The Storage ShedWell, my housing situation is no longer, and I had to go put a few more things in the storage unit.
I go in, and move things around, and I see a leaf. Well, one of many dried, pressed leaved. See, we got married in October (8 years ago). We made our own table decorations, and one part of it was these beautiful fall leaves that we pressed. We saved the extras, and tucked them away.
So I pick up the leaf, sit on the floor of the storage unit, and have a cry. Then I look at some photos of her, more water works. Then I look more closely at the photos. I see in her something that I am now - someone amidst enormous transition. Funny I didn't notice that when I was so young. I'm the age she was when she met me (I was 20).
We have been writing some via email. I'm not sure exactly what it is she wants to communicate to me, but it is nice to be able to talk without the constant jabbing. Actually, I'm having a hard time not doing any jabbing.
I've seldom been posting as I feel like my past sexless marriage is the smallest issue on my plate. I keep waiting for my life to begin.
But then I think about my life. I have (and my wife too) lived a life that is truly incredible. I have done more in 32 years than most do in ten lifetimes. Having the zest for life that I always had, I feel like I've always been the luckiest SOB on the planet. Then I think about the things that darkened my life, and honestly, my career as a teacher is high on the list. It feels good to be going into a new direction, and even if I have to live a student's life for a few years, I'll be able to set off in a new direction and hope that I won't have to rely on anyone else ever again.
All these things seem tied: my work, the problems in my marriage, her desire to go west, my 'pleaser' personality, the fantastic life I've lived. While I'm still so sad about all this, I keep coming back to the idea that my life, with all it's ups and downs, has been truly amazing, and I need to learn how to share my experiences. I've just been so many places and done so many things, and achieved so much in a very short time.
I still feel it was the right move to leave, even though my life feels very hard right now.
FilteringMachine 31-35, M 4 Responses 3 Aug 11, 2012