Headed Out...

I am headed out on a family camping vacation today. It is the first vacation that we have done together in several years. I am nervous because my husband and I are so disconnected, also we will be seeing family and friends. I have not shared my marital woes with anyone, which is probably why I am connecting here. I am curious to know if any of you that are in this "sexless marriage" situation share what is going on in you marriage with friends and family. I suppose the reason that I have not is that I am ashamed, or that people will judge me for staying, or thinking about leaving. I have read a few stories on this site. Most of them don't seem to have a "happy ending" that involves things improving and staying in the marriage. Does anyone have any thoughts to share on that?
fixinme fixinme 51-55, F 7 Responses Aug 12, 2012

Your Response


"People" WILL judge you - for all sorts of things.

That is a simple fact of life, and is predicated on the fact that most "people" are idiots, who rather than make up their own minds, rely on truisms and herd mentality to conduct their lives.

If you are going to embrace the herd mentality, and base your choices on 'what people think' rather than your own informed decisions, then I am afraid you are going to wear a fair few whacks in life, and you'll deserve them.

Tread your own path.

My two cents here but going off experience, dont share your problems with mutual friends. Because if you smooth things out with husband everyone knows your business. If you have a personal friend you can confide in thats great.

If not anything you offer your family friends will become the subject of gossip and ineuendo.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Generally speaking, I don't share what is going on with friends and family. But recently, I've been dropping hints with my spouses relatives that 'all is not well.' I think I'm doing this to lessen the blow, should things not improve. Nobody wants their family members to be unhappy, so knowing that things aren't great makes it easier should they suddenly hear that a split is happening.

Sexless marriages are not uncommon. When I split from my ex and told my friends and family, I found three close people in the same situation. Look at the size of this group, I think it is the largest on ep! My personal philosophy is to simply not care what others think of my life. If they gossip or fail to show compassion, it reflects on THEM, not me! Live your life for you.

Here is what I did:

I figure at my age (same age group as you fixinme) I have paid my dues and I don't owe anyone an explanation as to my whereabouts, or the state of my marriage, etc - with the exception of the husband.

I worked a deal with the husband wherein I live my life as I see fit in a Don't Ask/Don't Tell arrangement. With that said, I do not concern myself with what others have to say about my conduct because I have my home base covered so to speak. I do NOT share the situation with any others with the exception of my sister - she lives with my husband and I and we are very close.

My larger point here is this:

There comes a time in every adult's life when you have to decide what is not other's people business and this is a good opportunity for you to practice keeping mum. Marital problems might be in the category of "it is NOBODY'S business".

I also find as I get older that the need to share all this crap with family is greatly dimished and is nonexistant now - once you share then many folks are compelled to give you THEIR opinions, and I don't need other's opinions on what I do with my life. I live as I see fit - without apology or endless explanations - an attitude and practice that has provided me peace of mind.

You might want to remain silent and get support elsewhere and simply NOT involve these other people.

Do what YOU feel is right.

I like this x 1,000!

Me too MissLee!!

Thanks...this is advice I can works with

I shared mine situation with my best friend 2 years ago. I told him that my marriage would be ending as soon as my daughter graduates. He didn't judge me and if you have real friends they will not judge either.

Personally, I would assume that it would depend on well you really know these other people, including your own kin. If you are in any doubt, there would seem to be little benefit in raising the flag with them.

I also suppose that it depends how far down the road of abandonment and alienation you feel you have travelled after 18 months. How much you are convinced that you really are prepared to burn those bridges that are behind you and accept that you are as near a point of no return for you as makes no odds.