Love And The Cash Register

I've lived in a sexless marriage for almost 11 years and a troubled relationship for 5 yrs before that - all with the same man. Well, if you call me approaching him and performing oral sex on him w/ never any reciprocation or advances from him "sexless" - yup that would be my marriage.

At 42 I was puzzled
At 45 I was mad
At 47 I married him thinking it would change someday
At 50 I was depressed and losing hope
At 55 I told myself I was silly to want sex
At 58 I am just about finished.

I used to think it was me - that he didn't find me physically attractive.

Trust me the many men I've encountered in my life never thought that.

Now I realize it's his extreme and crazy need for control that drove his actions - I guess really I should call it inactions - all these years.

My back aches as I type this and the lump in my throat waffles my breath.

When I say he has never approached me for sex I should confess he did once - I woke in the middle of the night and he was stroking my butt and confused and disbelieving, I said "___, it's me," and he recoiled as he woke himself.

Nothing was ever said about it.

That was a good several years ago.

The oral "sex" - if you can call it that - stopped four years ago and that's when our marriage really began spiraling.

Looking at the timeframe I realize that there's an extreme amount of anger and frustration between the two of us - mine stemming from his callous attitude towards sex and his from somewhere I suspect rooted in feeling out of control somehow.

I'm very interested in this control issue thing if anyone can add anything.

I told him recently it was immoral for him to have married me - that I married the man I loved (how could I have done that??) and he married a cash register.

Really that just about sums up our relationship.

I have been so foolish.
I'm so disappointed in myself.

Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting
56-60, F
13 Responses Aug 14, 2012

Well as I was wondering,this is it! I'm not married,never wanted to be,but I do commit my love and attention in my relationships,I love to be hugged,kissed,cuddled and made love to,I love being able to make love to the person I care about too....I give my all.<br />
Then just like BAM! I get a zero response from my partner on the sex and intimacy level,to the point where sex was only when she was asleep,or at least pretending to be,that went on for over ten years,making love to someone who was asleep.I then turned into a 'Somnophilliac',got relly excited at the idea as soon as I heard my lady sleeping,it forced me to be 'Creepy' and silent,no yelping or screaming,slurping or slapping flesh.<br />
But as soon as even a blow-job phased out I realized that someone was trying to control me,I first saw it in a few very disturbing dreams,everytime I slept with her and she was mad about something,the dreams came,nightmares actually,very vivid and shocking images.<br />
Then I read up about 'Narcissistic Perverts' and what they get up to when trying to control other people,well replace 'Control' with 'Destroy'.Then it hit me hard,what a dummy,what a ****,pratt,nerd....After calling myself all the names I recognized the symtoms of how my relationship worked,then I realized that I had been weened on the same model relationship with my Mother and older it was inevitable that my unconscious mind was seeking the same characteristics that I'd suffered as a child; Humiliation,Rejection,Shame,Guilt and now I'm building another me,one that doesn't need the crutch of mental abuse to survive,I can drop the whip that I ude to punish myself,take it back from the hands that I've thrust that whip into....and start something completely different.<br />
<br />
Yes you too have fallen into the hands of someone who prefers to destroy you. When you spoke of him fondling you in his sleep,was it his mother he was thinking of,his sister or worse?<br />
<br />
Look up what I've mentioned so at least you can understand the mechanism of how your relationship works,you haven't suffered for nothing,and at 58 there's lots more fun to be having,don't throw the towel in as yet,the match is not over!<br />
<br />
There are some great tools to be pocked up to boost your self esteem,FIND THEM!

I have no idea who he was dreaming about. I never asked.

Hah! I don't think that when you're actually dreaming that it's about anyone,I was just joking......but at least you know that he has the desire to share it with you when in deep sleep!
I used to wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and be slowly making love to my lady,it was as if my dream of her became real,then I'd slip back into the dream,then back to reality...wondeful!
Don't wake him up next time and see where it goes,maybe it's part of the solution?

No. Wishful thinking on your part.

Yes I know,but when you use positive thoughts and luminous imagery,then things change.If you want the world around you to change,then change the way you look at it.
If you're wearing yellow tinted glasses,everything you see will be influenced by those glasses,I can tell you that the sky is blue until the day I die,but you will always see it as green......unless you change your glasses.
It doesn't matter if others don't change,but you can.And everything,I promise,WILL change.
And by the way,my wishes do come true!
Give yourself a chance!

1 More Response

Hind-sight is 20/20... There's no way you could have known things would turn out this way. Stay strong!

You and I have a lot in common! Married at 39 - infertility at 42- sex about 3 times since. 50 getting REALLY sick of it!! Xxx

Arrrrrgh! Stop making me think!!!!! Okay, i was married for 40 years, the last 16 were sexless. Last January I had to leave. I am in recovery in AA, and her drug and alcohol use, and more important, her "alcoholic" attitude and thinking were toxic to me. Through AA, I have learned many things, the most important is acceptance. For 3 months after I left, I was hateful and spiteful. When I started to re-focus, on the fact that hate and spite are self destructive emotions, and that the only thing that I can change in the whole world is ME and my attitude, I replaced hate with sorrow and :pity" for my wife. I accepted her, myself and our situation, and things started to improve. Currently we are going through an "amicable" divorce, because when she saw that I was only trying to help her, things lightened up. Now, she tolerates me, while I accept her for who she is. Sometimes it isn't easy, but I have help. Today, I am happy, not everyday, but I can handle the bad days, too! If you would like to discuss this, I will be happy to...:-)

GON-E<br />
<br />
Get out now!

So how do you end the disappointment?<br />
<br />
Keep reading, f4w (and writing...)

Waiting, (not Fool4)<br />
I see you are new here on EP. As others have said below, keep reading here. You will see your story over and over. Read the comments and gain clarity<br />
<br />
ILIASM member Hrts recently posted this comment: “Sometimes the stronger we are, the longer we're able to stand a situation we never should have tolerated at all.” I think that is very true for those of us who endured a decade or more of SM. <br />
<br />
Take that strength, and work toward a better life.

Make 58 - finished and out...don't dwell on what you should have done...or you'll spend another 10 years stuck and miserable.

Your story should read like this <br />
<br />
At 42 you were puzzeled, at 45 i was mad, at 47 I LEFT HIM!!!<br />
<br />
Now at 58 fifteen years after first being puzzled i hope you are forming an exit strategy.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Are you planning on remaining "foolish" and "disappointed" ??<br />
<br />
Or do you have some plan of acvhieving a higher quality of life.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

FOIA - you made me laugh!

So, you are here now and you have come to terms with what is. What next? Put an end to it? At this point if you do nothing you are going to go from being disappointed in yourself to hating yourself and I think that just should not happen.<br />
<br />
What do you do? Take one last big financial hit to get the monkey off your back or do you grit your teeth, hunker down and hope that he pegs it sooner rather than later?<br />
<br />
Another POSSIBLE way of looking at it is if you pay the price to free yourself of this emotional and practical burden you might meet a man who is financially independent and only wants to **** you silly but is willing to share practical resources with you as a means to an end. I don't know personally but I have heard it is quite the popular thing amongst horny men.


Sad so many years of frustrations,I feel identified with you .Sorry I can´t add nothing to help you just to say that many couples are struggling with the same issue that You have, It is not your fault , for any probably physiological reason of a low sex drive of your husband.But I know that It is hard for men ask for the help of a doctor in this area.