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How Did I Get Here.......?

How did I get here? A sexless 3 year marriage. Well…. A little background info…

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 27. In fact, I never went on a serious date with someone I was attracted to until I was 28. (Sad isn’t it.)
And now my sex life ended when I was 35. Almost 3 years ago.
I went to a college with a guy-to-girl ratio of 4 to1. And what few women there were had total attitude. Engineers and fine arts major don’t work to well together. In fact, in my graduating class of 125 mechanical engineers, 5 were female. No chance there…. I kept my head in the books.

I had a career, owned my own house and 3 cars before I had sex. I have only had sex with one woman I was actually attracted to (my wife). In fact, I know of more women who wanted to have sex with me than I have actually had sex with. (They actually told me so, that’s how lame I am!) But once I did, I kept an open mind and wanted more….then came the wife.

At first, everything was fine when we were dating. It was regular enough and we both seemed to desire each other. She did things to arouse me. But that’s always when the end starts.
Around the time I proposed, she started getting “the shot” for protection. That killed ALL of her libido. And she freely admits that. The end had started. Once she moved in with me before the wedding, it pretty much stopped for the most part. It was different when we only saw each other a few evenings and on weekends. Now with her always there, it got rare.

She seemed into it on the wedding night but had no interest (although we did it once) while on our honeymoon in Europe.
Once we got home, we were consumed with the construction of our new house. And she hated her job. Her depression setting in.
Seven months after getting settled into our new house, she really hurt her back (again) but this time, it did not heal. The next year would be a nightmare of emergency room visits, attempts at physical therapy, cortisone shots, then finally surgery (12 months after it all began). Then two months of recovery. (No sex during all this of course, not even touching)

All the while, she was depressed about her job and her loss of income (due to disability – can’t go shopping!). With the worst of the back problems having past, she could now totally focus on her misery about her job. 6 out of 7 days a week, I did not want to be around her. She could have a week of vacation but still be miserable because she still would have to return to work afterwards.

Meanwhile, two more dogs entered our life to accompany the two we already have. And these two are her shadows. Never anywhere but at her side.

She has taken to spending all day in bed, watching TV….like 8 hours per day. And the dogs at her side.

Finally, this Christmas, a break. A new job! One she likes……

But still, every time I try to get close, no reaction from her. Now the dogs get all up in my face. When I complain that I can’t get near her, she says I am being ridiculous. When I ask real questions like “do you want me? or “do you want me close”? I get the rolled eyes and am told I am being ridiculous.

I have started to hate holidays or my birthday because her gifts show very little effort.

With her new job and manageable back (not perfect), she is more happy and pleasant to be around. But if she comes from the bathroom in a towel and I put my arms around her, its more like I am being a pain, but I may get a quick hug. Most of the time she complains I am too dirty…. Even after a shower its rarely enough. I think I need to be boiled for her to be OK to touch me.
She like me around….I pay most of the bills, bought her a nice house, paid for a chunk of her new car, take her on the occasional vacation (still a complaint from her there)….but she doesn’t want me. I can’t remember the last time she showed any interest in me physically.

And she is continuing with the shots, mostly because she like not getting her period….those shots do prevent pregnancy. They make the woman have so little interest in sex, there is no sex!

I am not sure we could be in a room together and alone…the dogs won’t allow it. When we did go on vacation, she quickly rolls away from me. She never snuggles up against me.

Its not like I don’t do my part…. I take care of all the cars, all of the outside, wash the floors, clean up lots of dog crap, dust the furniture, vacuum the rugs, do my own laundry….. She shops for food…….takes care of the dishes, and some general pickup. I work 55 hours a week, she works 35 hours a week. She watched 8 hours of TV a day, I watch 1 hour.

We now are on two years with no sex, and very little physical contact. At this point I don’t think she cares anymore.

Imagine if your whole sex life lasted from 27 to 35.

Yes, I have had to take to online satisfaction… I am not dead, I still have desires. She thinks I prefer online **** but the reality is that I have no choice. Now I am very depressed on how my life has taken such a poor turn over the last four years. Three years of marriage and you can count the sex on just one hand!
And she gets totally disgusted with me if she catches me “taking care of myself”. She claims to never touch herself…. To her, I am a pervert. Trust me I am not, I have normal desires. Most men are worse than me.

Now depression is setting in for me. I just don’t want to face the rest of my life without intimacy, touch, love. I thought being single and virgin was sexually frustrating, being married and “celibate” is much worse.

Thanks for reading… I appreciate your time.
roch649 roch649 36-40, M 7 Responses Aug 15, 2012

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You've played your role in her life.



First chance she gets she is going to drop you like a bad habit.



See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce will shake out for you. You are going to need this information - way sooner than you might think.



Tread your own path.

Being 'used' to provide a lifestyle for someone is pretty common here.



OK, so here's my quick advice. Make your plans to move on to wife #2 while she still has a job, and before kids somehow enter the picture.



Once you're clear, go hang out in a ***** club for a while. This will cost you, but consider it the price of an education. Do this over and over until the idea of interacting with a beautiful woman doesn't intimidate you and your self esteem has fully recovered. When you're ready, go out into the dating world again and find someone that you deserve.

The paucity of intimate interaction has nothing to do with medical issues - your wife is engaging in parasitic behavior using the marriage as a "legitimate" cover. You are the meal ticket. If you do not get this squared away your suffering has only begun.



Face the pain now or deal with it later when life is even MORE painful. The longer you remain married (jurisdictional dependent of couse ) the more she might accrue in what is known as "divisible marital assets".



Pay now or pay way more later.



Deal with this.

Couldn't have said it better. Jump while you're still close to the ground, or get dropped when you're a mile high.

Dear Roch



I sadly echo what has said by the others, and that takes a lot for me to say, as i am in a situation that i find hard. but i do feel my boyfriend loves me. From what i have read and thought about it dosn't sound like your wife loves you, she may in her own way, but it really doesn't sound like the right way.



Your so young and life is so very short, you need back what you give out if nothing else. So hard i do understand really but i can't see why you would waste anymore time.



I wish you well, and wish you courage whatever you decide Love Donna x

its tough, when I am upset, I am sure I don't give the most honest evaluation of the situation which makes her look worse. But the lack of sex and intimacy is just horrible and the fact that she does not seem to care makes it worse.... I fear for what is coming.....I just don't want to be 50 and miserable some day. Better off alone than handcuffed to a situation that does not make you happy.

You are going to leave aren't you? You are going to have to leave, you do realise that? Whatever it costs. Apparently woman are better at deciding this than men, not that it is easy for anyone, but it's just another little thought to leave you with.



She is using you and she sounds as if she has no conscience about it, none at all. Of course, when you tell her it's going to be a big surprise because she will say she didn't realise that you were that unhappy. And there may be an element of truth to that but would it make any difference?



When she asks why, tell her that you have decided to join a monastery where dogs aren't allowed. She won't get the joke or the sarcasm or the cynicism behind it and she won't worry about it for very long either as long as she squeezes whatever she feels she is entitled to out of you, beforehand.

You are being used... She does not love you, it is absolutely obvious... I personaly do not understand why you are wasting your life with this person...I do not see any slightest reason to keep this marriage from your message, but plenty to leave it...If you want my advise it is very straight forward- never touch her again and RUN! She is not the only woman on this planet, you will meet many women who are very happy to enjoy sexual relationship with you(regular and sensual) and have children with you... Good luck!

Your not alone! I cant believe how many similarities there are between our stories! I too waited until i was 28, married at 30 and the last time i had sex was 34 the last time i had sex. The only difference is im a woman and instead of 2 dogs we have 2 children!



I dont know what your next step should be, but i do know that counseling has been a help for me and my husband. Its a slow process. I find that the connection that we used to get from having regular sex we now get by going to counseling every week. Baby steps for now!



Good Luck!

thanks for your words....I appreciate hearing them. For a long time, I just held back because of her medical issues. But now, my frustration grows. I know the confrontation will be hard and she will not take it well. I don't want to throw away everything we have but I feel its time we got it out in the open and talk about it. i just don't want to face the rest of my life with someone who is just a roommate and expects so much from me, but gives little in return. thanks,