First Letter

okay, so I am thinking about bringing up the lack of sex and am not sure how to go about it.

you see the first 5 years of marriage we fought and had sex. we communicated thus the fighting. but my hubby views those years as being bad cuz of the arguing. and sometimes i wouldn't know that I'd pissed him off, he'd leave at like 6pm, not come home until 2am or somtimes 12 the next day.

yeah. not that I'm perfect. I have temper tantrums. the more I hold it in the worse my outburst will be. trust me better to have tiny temper tantrums that one big drama. trust me.

I am thinking of fighting it. He thinks that the less sex we have the closer we become. yeah. as platonic friends and parenting partners. but not husband and wife.

I am not sure HOW to go about it.

i am thinking of sending him an email. to get his attention. he doesn't always pay attention to my texts and if I beg for attention he'll just brush me aside. any ideas?
darktippedrose darktippedrose
31-35, F
9 Responses Aug 15, 2012

Hi Rose,
Read all your above chats and man you are one hard fighter! I would love to help you financially if you could accept it as Zakat.

I can always accept zakat. but you don't need to send money. I would much rather you pray for me and just listen to me and give me empathy more than anything.

What would happin if you came to bed all dressed for sex,, and instead of cuddling up to your hubby,,you just start ************ in front of him,, not for his visual pleasure,,but to just please yourself. Could he be that 'not into it' to be able to ignore you ?<br />
Christ,,the Pheramoans alone would drive me crazy,,Don't know he can resist .

yes he would. he would leave the room until I was done. and act like nothing happened. and tell me not to do it because I might get raped by jinn. or bad things would happen to me. and how ************ is a form of cheating, and small sins lead to bigger sins.

He just seems to have a way of switching the train back to your tracks,,no matter what you do ! I can see why you are becoming frustrated.

yes he does. he knows just what to say and how to say it so just about everything is always on me.

Like you say I feel your pain, the more touching and kissing and just smelling her hair ( making my self horny) helps to heighten the whole essence of the being married.

thanx. empathy helps

This is funny and sooo transparent.

why is this funny?

Uhhh duhhh....

u think its funny when women are horny and their husband ignores them?

I personally don't think is funny because I am on the role reversal of where you are. I understand your predicament first hand, and I understand how you feel. I sometimes wish that I would have known my relationship was gonna be like this before hand so that I would have been able to do something about it.

I feel ya. the ONLY reason that I do NOT regret my marriage is because of my kidz and because of the great women I've met, online and off, in the process and also the aspects of my religion that I learned about.

2 More Responses

gotta admit - I think Baz is right on this one. Bringing up the subject is a direct confrontation of the status quo. Challenged the other will either find a way to include a bout of reset sex and/or try to guilt you into not making a decision either way. Hence I simply for now regard this as a friendship, and the current living arraignment ba<x>sed on analysis of the options and costs both emotional and financial. Since I cannot with any accuracy pinpoint the moment when there will be a gate opening, I cannot start "the talk" as it seems to be called here. I think however that as an accident I managed to write a pretty good start to it as a reply to another story here. Just because I cannot set a date does not doom me to inactivity. <br />
Since you sound like a person that could - like me - have a bit of some aphasia or other stress induced problem that makes you less of a communicator...running through all the possible answers and your response could be a good thing to do first. If you are ready to state an end-of-the road date....then go for it.

Use whatever medium you like to make your point.<br />
<br />
All I'd suggest that your communique needs to involve a time line, and a consequence.<br />
<br />
Without a due date and a consequence, it matters not what you say or even if you say it. Without those two components you might as well **** into a head wind.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Oh Yeah !!

He has probably simply become conditioned to avoid stress and anything to do with it. Worse than that, if 'doing it' is the cause of the conflict, as opposed to 'not doing it', then he will avoid 'doing it' in the future rather than 'doing it' to avoid conflict eg. doing the dishes in order to avoid continuing to be nagged about not doing the dishes (I wish I could come up with a better analogy than that).<br />
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I think that if you have this clarity of vision about the issue and you are quite confident about the impact that it has had on him and you then your only feasible approach is to be completely open and candid about it, face-to-face.<br />
<br />
Do you worry that if you do not get the sort of positive response that you might hope for that you might be compelled into having yet another tantrum, big or small?<br />
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Please try to take this as well-intended advice and not criticism, from someone who has a natural inclination to volatility, but is really just tired of all his own past dramatics. I personally don't consider having more little tantrums as opposed to fewer big ones any sort of personal triumph. I try to tell myself that if I cannot win someone over to my way of thinking by sheer power of persuasion then either my case was possibly never a good one in the first case or that I have personally failed to put my case well enough.<br />
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If at first you don't succeed don't blow up, just resolve to be calm but bloody determined. Believe me when I say that patience is usually really a true virtue. No matter how you approach a problem there is never any guarantee there will be resolution. That's just life.<br />
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I like the idea of documenting what it is you want, need, to say. I would go further. I would endorse rehearsing the issue(s) in your mind even going as far as imagining the ob<x>jections and other negative responses your partner might come out with and how you might deal with them in a constructive manner. Perhaps the most important point, though, is that it is most important to not deny your partner their feelings, even if sometimes you feel that they are not exactly accurate or proportional.<br />
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It all reminds me of an old joke: "When an Englishman abroad who doesn't speak the language can't make himself understood to the locals he just SHOUTS LOUDER".

ahhh. okay thanx so much. yes i will try. its a lil hard for me cuz on one hand I wanna mention all the stuff he's done but then I defend him on the other. and then when I do try, something gets in my way. so I'm not sure if maybe I should change our environment first before working on him (i.e. my daughter getting sleep medication) or what. Its really weird how I can hate him and love him at the same time and live with the problem. but I will try in an email. allow thinking.

and thanx for patience is a virtue, it doesn't always feel like it lol

well i would never text my hubby i would make my notes # them and go over and over my issues and also my expectations, i would come to a conclusion which generally is either you are in or you are out. i would also like to sit down with him weekly to discuss wether it was working and is do able, good luck keep us informed

okay thanx. I appreciate it.

the problem is he would never go to counseling or involve anyone else. hes one of those guys thats always right, avoids confrontations but when he does, again hes always righ, doesn't want to involve anyone in their problems and quite frankly, even when the kidz are in bed, I can't drag him away from the computer. hes always reseraching the illunity or african tribes or some religious subject.

he doesn't LIKE to spend time with me.

and yes, I do have some fear. I don't know why but I do. I'm afraid to confront him about teh sex issue. I don't know why, but yes, scared out of my mind, my hubby knows how to do the smallest thing to belittle any issues i have and make everything seem likes its my fault when, HELLO, I am not the ONLY person involved in the marriage.