Update On My Situation

I posted a couple months ago about being the OW of a man in a sexless marriage. Thank you all for your advice and insight regarding the situation. It was quite helpful.

Since we started having sex, I've come to view his marriage from an entirely didn't point of view and realize there is more to his "sexless marriage story." With that, I thought I share:

- When we first met, the party line was: "Marriage is great. Just not getting sex at home." I then came to see the marriage wasn't great and, in fact, was riddled with LOTS of issues and the wife was perpetually pissed off and angry. Hmmm....why is that?

- Added to the point above, I realized that it really wasn't sex he wanted, but an emotionally connection and to feel "wanted" and "needed." So often he'd say, "I never felt so wanted and needed....." He adored my daughter and was really into my boring domestic life. (Note: This was his second marriage. They didn't have kids. I often felt like what he was really looking for was a friend.)

- Even though he was desperate to have sex, we waited many months to have sex. As many here pointed out that was a red sign.

- In the beginning, pre-sex, his party line was: "I am highly sexual and have a strong sex drive, etc...." Honestly, he's not that highly sexually driven in comparison to others I dated.

- Last 2 times we had sex, he made comments like, "Well....good to see all the plumbing is working." Indicting there were perhaps time in his marriage that he couldn't get it up.

- Finally, you'd think someone who was looking for sex, gets it and it's great, and claims he adores the woman, be over the move moon. Instead he freaks.

I've read the posts on this board and honestly feel bad for people here who are in a sexless marriage.

In my situation, though, I see that perhaps the person I am with may have a hand in situation.
ponnye ponnye
1 Response Aug 17, 2012

It is quite possible you are right. The question though is did he 'make' the situation or did the situation 'make' him? I am willing to bet there are quite a few men here who think it likely the latter. And in the end of the day does it really matter? It would be entirely valid for him to say that it was all his fault but that he can't fix the situation and that it would actually be unhelpful to his current partner to stay in the relationship when effectively she maybe doesn't. Who knows? You or I certainly don't and maybe even he and she don't.<br />
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Has it made you reflect again on your own position? It would be mighty strange if it did not, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it changes things a jot. These things will happen and people in their more reflective mood will tell themselves that they ought to take a more rational and positive approach to it, the much-admired problem-solving approach, but sometimes, for all sorts of reasons it just does not happen and never will.

Two the two posters above: Agree. One wonders did he "make" the situation or did the situation "make" him. I can see what it would do to one's self esteem if your wife is is always rejecting you. However, I now wonder, is it possible that something happened in the marriage that sparked the rejection..

As another poster wrote effectively and eloquently a while back: When a someone in a sexless marriage has an affair, it creates another set of problems. While he/she gets their sexual needs met, it shines light on other areas of the marriage that aren't working. You think the problem is sex, but it is much more complex. Thus, with us, we had this amazing emotional, sexual and intellectual connection. It was forcing him to re-think everything about his marriage, himself, etc.... and he couldn't handle it.

As for me..... The situation has made me step back and think much more deeply about my needs and wants. My role in this relationship, etc.