I Live In A Sexless Marriage, Too!!!

Once again, your kindness is greatly appreciated Thanks again & Bless you. I hope all is well with you are your partner.

Don't think I haven't thought about that. Yes, I have asked myself what it would be like if the tables were turned. I have not thought about the exact scenario you presented, but I have considered what it would be like to be in her place. Obviously, I would not like it if I became impotent and she divorced me. There is no doubt that would hurt, but it also hurts very deeply when you are the one with the desire and it is not equally felt (in the situation I am presenlty in). If she left me I would be hurt, but I would also get on with my life, just as I have to now.
You are right, marriage is not just about sex. It is about much more. But if you feel sex is not a beautiful and necessry part of a happy, healthy marriage, then I think you are in a very narrow minority. I think most would agree that there is nothing wrong with having a beautiful, vibrant, romantic sex life with one you love.
We have tried and tried to help her relax and feel comfortable with sex. Believe me, I have tried over and over and over. I consider myself to be a very understanding and sensual man, so I have put a great deal of effort into finding an answer to this marital problem. But it is also a two-way street and both have to want to see positive results. I cannot force her to want sex. I would not want that for her or me. That is something she has to desire. There are two of us involved in this process.
I am very sorry for what has happened to your wife. I commend you on making that committment to her. That is obviously a very noble thing to do. I feel confident that if my wife were in the same position, I would do the same thing you are doing. But, my situation is different. That is something you are overlooking when you present your hypothetical supposition to me. My wife has the physical ability to have a beautiful sexual relationship with me, but she has chosen not to make that change. Once again, I am not going to force her to change something that is too painful for her.
I don't feel that I should have to justify my desire, need, or love for sex. That is part of who I am. We are all different. Therefore, even though you are entitled to your opinion of me, I do not believe I have been or are being selfish in how I am handling this situation.
I say this with all due respect, but you should be more careful in judging others and their individual pain and suffering. As much as I admire you for being so courageous in your lifelong decision, I also know that judging another when you know so little about the entire experience is a foolish decision. You could easilyt come up with one scenario after another to show me where I am wrong or selfish, but those are just hypothetical cases, not real ones for me. Most everyone here on this site has also lived with the same pain, shame, and hurt that I have experienced. Maybe you should make an attempt not to judge others in such a cavalier or hasty manner.
In conclusion, I want to say that I sincerely wish you and your wife true love and happiness.

I understand your pain soulmate2u. Very respectful response to the newbie. I am not that patient right now. Best wishes.

Thanks for your kindness. I understand why you may not be so patient right now. This is alot tougher to go through than most people realize. If you have not been there, then you dont fully understand the suffering. Its just not as simple as teaching your mate to hug you, touch you and kiss you. If it were that simple, I am sure we would all have much better sex lives. Please know that I understand your pain and hurt also. It is very very hard to live with everyday. I pray for the best for you and thank-you again for being so considerate and kind.

You are a sweetheart. You know you are.

Thanks for your comment. I'm sorry for your situation, I know how hurtful that can be. I hope that you can find some help. The abusive thing has to be on you mind alot. You poor thing. I don't have any experience in that arena, so I cannot be much help there, other than to pray you and your littel girl will be safe. Maybe you should see a couselor to get help on that. Or see someone at a center that specializes in marital abuse for women. I wish you the very best in working something out.

Yeah, as bad as it has been all these years (and it has been VERY BAD for extended periods of time), she is a very good person.

Thank you so much, D, for your advice. I know you are speaking from firsthand experience, which is always more meaningful. It makes sense that adding two more people, each with their own personal agendas, is going to make even the easiest decisions a bit more difficult. I am going to take you r advice to heart and once again thank you for taking the time to be supportive and helpful. There are some extremely caring and kind people on this site and you are one of them. I wish you the very best in finding you true love and happiness.

You are probably right. At this point I believe that whatever way it works out is the way it should work out. It will end up being the best for both of us. Thanks for taking the time to be supportive. I know everyone on here feels the same hurt that I do, so it is really meaningful when one takes the time to just say something nice. Thanks again & the very best to you.

Thanks alot. We will see what happens, but either way I am getting on with my life without any anger or blame. I hope you find your happiness, also. Best of luck to you.

Thanks for your support and kind words. I hope that you are able to find an answer to your issues. I have to say that the practice of forgiveness worked so well for me. I would recommend it to anyone in the same situation. Thanks again and the best to you.

Congratulations and good for you. I hope it continues to work out for you. Can't wait until we get to have the daily and beautiful intimacy that we deserve, right?

That is if we find it. But at least now there is hope, before, only acceptance of how things were and no hope of change:)

Best of luck to you. you deserve it.

My maturity in this was almost a survival mechanism. I had to find my way out of the pain, just as you are doing now. I am probably a little further ahead of you on the curve, because I was very angry for a LONG time. It hurt and it was unfair. And it did make me mad. I hope for your sake that you can let it go because that is what helped me find my way out of this. Thanks for your response. I hope that you can find all of the peace and happiness you deserve.

Thanks alot for being so kind. I am just getting started on moving forward. But it it always amazes me that none of us have met, but we have so much in common. We really are all One. And your kindness proves that.

Thanks for being so nice

Thanks for being so nice

No doubt about that. I have to admit that I have stayed much longer than I probably should have. There was a lack of honesty until the end (in my case). But, I also found out firsthand that continuously arguing about this problem does not make it go away. In my sitaution, it only made it worse and even dragged out the pain for a longer period of time.

I definitely agree. It was really frustrating to be led on like that while the dishonesty lasted until the end. Probably even still to this day she would deny everything (in my case).

Arguing is useless, you are right. My point is that they are just not innocent victims with a different preference. Often, they are abusive, manipulative, and narcissistic. Ultimately, we have to set our own boundaries and not tolerate unhealthy situations and your attitude of forgiveness will serve you well. I have forgiven my ex, but i needed to be able to hold him to account to get there.

Thanks for your comment. You're right. I am there with you. In my next relationship I know that we will be sexually compatable. I am going to find a woman who is into Tantric Sex because I feel this is an incredible practice that helps both people maitain sexual desire over time.

Thanks so much. Sorry to hear what happened to you. I think all of us here know the pain you must have gone through and empathize with you. It's a sad person who treats another like that. It's too bad for her because I doubt she will find happiness after doing you like that.
It's funny but after I went through the process of forgiveness (and it took me awhile), everything got better for me. Believe me, my situation was just as bad as yours (for me), for a much longer period of time. it was terrible. But after I forgave, we stopped fighting over sex and I felt much better about myself and who I was. I was ready to move on with my life. Then, just recently, she was the one who finally admitted to me that she wishes she were the one with the higher sex drive and libido. She wanted to feel better about herself sexually, but all of her past issues just would not let her do that. She said that she wishes that she could have changed to be more sexual becasue she learned that a healthy sex life would have made a much happier marriage.
I tell you this to try ease your pain a little because no matter how hard or how long one tries to pretend they were not at fault (or, it was the other person, not me!), the more guilt we take on to hide the truth. But deep down we all know it when we hurt another person the way she hurt you. You can get on with your life and feel free that you did your best. She will have to live with what she did and guilt will ruin one's life. I wish you the very best in turing things around . I hope you can heal and find true love and happiness.

Oh, I believe you, good sir. And thank you very, very much for such an amazing reply! It brings me a vast amount of comfort and ease to know that others know exactly what I am going through and have went through. I did start forgiving to heal just recently, too. I e-mailed her (because she's back in the U.S.) just yesterday about how I won't ever forget her, but I will forgive her for how she has hurt me. When I did this, the tensions in my shoulders lifted, my appetite has slowly begun to return, and I can now truly smile again. Once again, thank you for that reply. It has made my morning and probably my day and it has really touched me. I'm going to save it to remind myself of how things are better now.

Thanks, my friend

Wow, you sure have the right name for yourself becasue you are REALLY ANGRY ! I did not say or mean that my desire for sex is a weakness. If it came accross that way then I am sorry because I did not mean it that way. I think my sexual desire is a very normal, healthy and wonderful part of me.
And she did not torture me. I was part of this also. It is never just one person. Just because she did not desire sex does not mean she is unloving. Try to understand that she was just protecting herself like we all do. She did not want to be that way. If she could have changed it, she would have. She tried.
She did not try to do anything to me. Some people, both men and women, just lose their libido as they age. We all lose certain hormones at a much higher level and rate than we think, even by the time we are 35 to 40!
Hey, man, I know it hurts when the one you love does not feel the same as you do sexually. I know I've been there like you have. But try to let go a little of that anger. It will only make it worse for you. It will never make it go away or make it better.

Thanks for your kind words. It was better that way than continually suffering. It is really going to be hard to be without her. I have been with her for 40 yrs. (dating & marriage), so I know this will be tough. But, we either want to change or we don't, right? There is no sense going on being unhappy. I am 61 and I still have great health. So does she. So, let's live and love, right?

I also love your optimism -- something I sorely lack on most days. You both sound very healthy mentally as well. I wish the best for you both.

Thanks again, you are a very sweet woman.