I Live In A Sexless Marriage, Too!!!

Sometimes I wonder, "how did it get this bad?" But, if I want to be completely honest with myself, I have to take some of the responsibility for this situation, also. It would be easy to just blame my wife because she has lost interest in sex, and I LOVE sex. It would be simple to chalk it up to the fact that she has a very low libido and I have a very high sex drive. I used to blame her. I was angry at her for a long time. I blamed her for my being lonely, feeling rejected, and yearning for intimacy. It was easy to do.
But I had to go through this so I could learn that I had to forgive myself and her. I had to forgive myself for having human weaknesses, and I had to forgive her for her human issues. We ALL have them because we are human beings and that is pert of our journey.
In reality, my wife is a very kind, loving and wonderful person. She is not "trying" to hurt me and she is not doing anything "to" me. She is just doing her best to make it through this life experience and do the best she can. If we are totally opposites when it comes to sexual interest, desire, and passion, then that is something we both have created. It is something neither of us wants and up until now, something neither of us is willing to change.
Well, I am now willing to change. I am going to do something about this. I still love her and respect her, so I am not going to try to hurt her, or get revenge on her, or cheat on her to prove I am right. I have talked with her and told her that she deserves to be loved and appreciated for who she is and she does not need to change. I told she is not wrong or a bad person for not wanting sex. And I really now believe this is true. It is no one's "fault". But, I also told her that I also deserve to be loved and understood. I deserve to be with One who loves me and wants me as much as I desire them. She agreed and we are at the end of our final "trial period" to see if we can save our marriage and be more compatible sexually.
So, right now, it appears that after 36 yrs of marriage, we are probably getting a divorce. I do not want to do this and neither does she, but neither of us wants to be unhappy anymore; nor do we wish to hurt the other in any way. I still sit here and wonder, however, "how did it get this bad?"
soulmate2u soulmate2u
61-65, M
16 Responses Aug 17, 2012

That you are coming from a point of acceptance for what was lacking and not an attack on your wife for being who she is shows a maturity and empathy that will serve you well in the next step of your life's journey. The ending of a marriage does not necessitate hating one's former spouse. Some of our endings are so cruel that retaining good memories are impossible. That you have this in you is to be applauded but keep in mind that you need to protect yourself and your future. Peace,D

Once again, your kindness is greatly appreciated Thanks again & Bless you. I hope all is well with you are your partner.

Suppose: You had become impotent and <br />
she wanted to divorce you (although you love her with all your your heart and mind)<br />
How will you feel now, while you are at the end of the trial phase?<br />
<br />
If marriage is only for sex, I would appreciate your decision.<br />
Please reconsider your decision. You confessed that your wife is loving, kind, and wonderful, then why would you lose her just because she says no to sex. <br />
<br />
Please teach her to touch you, hug you, and kiss you. These small gestures can make a lot of difference in your life. <br />
<br />
My wife lost her ability to have sex due to an accident, I am just 34 and she is 30.<br />
I have taken a strong decision to be with her till I die.<br />
I came here seek inspiration. But I am disappointed to see that the world is full of selfishness.

Don't think I haven't thought about that. Yes, I have asked myself what it would be like if the tables were turned. I have not thought about the exact scenario you presented, but I have considered what it would be like to be in her place. Obviously, I would not like it if I became impotent and she divorced me. There is no doubt that would hurt, but it also hurts very deeply when you are the one with the desire and it is not equally felt (in the situation I am presenlty in). If she left me I would be hurt, but I would also get on with my life, just as I have to now.
You are right, marriage is not just about sex. It is about much more. But if you feel sex is not a beautiful and necessry part of a happy, healthy marriage, then I think you are in a very narrow minority. I think most would agree that there is nothing wrong with having a beautiful, vibrant, romantic sex life with one you love.
We have tried and tried to help her relax and feel comfortable with sex. Believe me, I have tried over and over and over. I consider myself to be a very understanding and sensual man, so I have put a great deal of effort into finding an answer to this marital problem. But it is also a two-way street and both have to want to see positive results. I cannot force her to want sex. I would not want that for her or me. That is something she has to desire. There are two of us involved in this process.
I am very sorry for what has happened to your wife. I commend you on making that committment to her. That is obviously a very noble thing to do. I feel confident that if my wife were in the same position, I would do the same thing you are doing. But, my situation is different. That is something you are overlooking when you present your hypothetical supposition to me. My wife has the physical ability to have a beautiful sexual relationship with me, but she has chosen not to make that change. Once again, I am not going to force her to change something that is too painful for her.
I don't feel that I should have to justify my desire, need, or love for sex. That is part of who I am. We are all different. Therefore, even though you are entitled to your opinion of me, I do not believe I have been or are being selfish in how I am handling this situation.
I say this with all due respect, but you should be more careful in judging others and their individual pain and suffering. As much as I admire you for being so courageous in your lifelong decision, I also know that judging another when you know so little about the entire experience is a foolish decision. You could easilyt come up with one scenario after another to show me where I am wrong or selfish, but those are just hypothetical cases, not real ones for me. Most everyone here on this site has also lived with the same pain, shame, and hurt that I have experienced. Maybe you should make an attempt not to judge others in such a cavalier or hasty manner.
In conclusion, I want to say that I sincerely wish you and your wife true love and happiness.

I understand your pain soulmate2u. Very respectful response to the newbie. I am not that patient right now. Best wishes.

Thanks for your kindness. I understand why you may not be so patient right now. This is alot tougher to go through than most people realize. If you have not been there, then you dont fully understand the suffering. Its just not as simple as teaching your mate to hug you, touch you and kiss you. If it were that simple, I am sure we would all have much better sex lives. Please know that I understand your pain and hurt also. It is very very hard to live with everyday. I pray for the best for you and thank-you again for being so considerate and kind.

I guess it's never to late. I hope everything works out for both of you. Very courageous

You are a sweetheart. You know you are.

I can feel ur pain because right now I'm in a same matter as you!my husband can't have sex with me and he always says he's tired.the thing is I'm still young and so is our marriage,he don't cuddle me nor kiss me,all I'm doing now is just cry and cry,I'm 24 years and a mother of a 2yrs daughter!he's also abusive I'm even scared to divorce him!

Thanks for your comment. I'm sorry for your situation, I know how hurtful that can be. I hope that you can find some help. The abusive thing has to be on you mind alot. You poor thing. I don't have any experience in that arena, so I cannot be much help there, other than to pray you and your littel girl will be safe. Maybe you should see a couselor to get help on that. Or see someone at a center that specializes in marital abuse for women. I wish you the very best in working something out.

super wife

Yeah, as bad as it has been all these years (and it has been VERY BAD for extended periods of time), she is a very good person.

It is refreshing to read about a couple who appear to be able to work things out amicably even if this leads to ending the marriage. A much healthier and mature way to end things and have a parting with some good feelings intact towards both partners. Leaving a longstanding marriage is drama enough without it ending with deliberate acts of revenge and anger or using family and children as pawns who are forced to choose sides. <br />
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One caution I want to give to you soulmate2u. From the personal experiences of myself and my husband, we both thought our exs, especially his, would be amicable and this turned out not to be the case at all. Even after they both made promises to be fair and understanding, the endings of the marriages became a nightmare and we are still dealing with the repercussions of their actions especially as it pertains to mutual family members. Our feelings about this are changing as we continue to set up our boundaries in a healthy way for the benefit of our marriage.<br />
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All relationships are different of course and I applaud you both if you part as two people who have the maturity to show one another mutual respect and kindness. This will also be of huge benefit for any mutual friends and especially family members but most of all for the two of you as you make new lives for yourselves if events come to this conclusion. Peace,D

Thank you so much, D, for your advice. I know you are speaking from firsthand experience, which is always more meaningful. It makes sense that adding two more people, each with their own personal agendas, is going to make even the easiest decisions a bit more difficult. I am going to take you r advice to heart and once again thank you for taking the time to be supportive and helpful. There are some extremely caring and kind people on this site and you are one of them. I wish you the very best in finding you true love and happiness.

"Trial" separations inevitably become actuality.<br />
<br />
Mainly because, out of the dysfunctional environment, you can evaluate the dynamic far more ob<x>jectively.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

You are probably right. At this point I believe that whatever way it works out is the way it should work out. It will end up being the best for both of us. Thanks for taking the time to be supportive. I know everyone on here feels the same hurt that I do, so it is really meaningful when one takes the time to just say something nice. Thanks again &amp; the very best to you.

You definitely made the right decision. I also admired your thinking, rationale and determination to get to this point. The pain you are going throught right now is inevitable but it will be over someday. If you stayed, there would be only anger, regret and hatefulness between you and your wife.<br />
<br />
I believe that you will move on and be proud of yourself and happier. Best of luck.

Thanks alot. We will see what happens, but either way I am getting on with my life without any anger or blame. I hope you find your happiness, also. Best of luck to you.

Hugs, I have separated from my h too so that we could remain friends. He has no desire for me and I need that in my life. He is a good man in other ways and seems relieved I am not turning this into a hate vendetta.

Congratulations and good for you. I hope it continues to work out for you. Can't wait until we get to have the daily and beautiful intimacy that we deserve, right?

That is if we find it. But at least now there is hope, before, only acceptance of how things were and no hope of change:)

Best of luck to you. you deserve it.

I admire your maturity over your situation. I am married 25 years, totally sexless for 14 & am in the process of getting divorced. And I am angry. Perhaps I will be less so, when my spouse moves out ( if he ever does) . Maybe I will be able to get past the anger. I just don't want to waste anymore of my time with him. Good luck to you!

My maturity in this was almost a survival mechanism. I had to find my way out of the pain, just as you are doing now. I am probably a little further ahead of you on the curve, because I was very angry for a LONG time. It hurt and it was unfair. And it did make me mad. I hope for your sake that you can let it go because that is what helped me find my way out of this. Thanks for your response. I hope that you can find all of the peace and happiness you deserve.

I could have written every word of this. My STBX has been out of the house for two weeks. It's hard at first, dealing with the guilt of wanting "more". But it's the right thing to do. Do not deprive yourself of joy. <br />
<br />
If you need to vent, let me know. Congrats on being brave enough to call it quits and move forward.

Thanks alot for being so kind. I am just getting started on moving forward. But it it always amazes me that none of us have met, but we have so much in common. We really are all One. And your kindness proves that.

That is fine. Not being interested in sex, and wanting sex is a valid lifestyle choice. But, a refusing spouse rarely comes to you and states this outright (at least not until they make all sorts of false promises or spend years defining you as the problem, then they might make a no sex declaration after it becomes farcsical). It is not the lack of sex that is the real problem. It is the dishonesty. It is the cruelty of being led on. Blamed. Rejected with the expectation of fidelity to a celibate relationship. It is the have my cake and eat it too mentality. Complete dismissal of one's core needs to keep themselves okay. It is THAT which is unfair and mean. I am sure many refused spouses would have left years or decades sooner if their spouse was honest and didn't play this buying time game.

No doubt about that. I have to admit that I have stayed much longer than I probably should have. There was a lack of honesty until the end (in my case). But, I also found out firsthand that continuously arguing about this problem does not make it go away. In my sitaution, it only made it worse and even dragged out the pain for a longer period of time.

I definitely agree. It was really frustrating to be led on like that while the dishonesty lasted until the end. Probably even still to this day she would deny everything (in my case).

Arguing is useless, you are right. My point is that they are just not innocent victims with a different preference. Often, they are abusive, manipulative, and narcissistic. Ultimately, we have to set our own boundaries and not tolerate unhealthy situations and your attitude of forgiveness will serve you well. I have forgiven my ex, but i needed to be able to hold him to account to get there.

I admire your mature approach to this. It seems that you and your wife will have an amicable divorce. <br />
<br />
I think we all ask how did we get into this situation. The main question to ask is how do we stay out of this situation in the future. What did we learn from this experience? How can we apply what we learned to future relationships.<br />
<br />
I hope you and your wife experience the happiness you are seeking.

Thanks for your comment. You're right. I am there with you. In my next relationship I know that we will be sexually compatable. I am going to find a woman who is into Tantric Sex because I feel this is an incredible practice that helps both people maitain sexual desire over time.

I feel your pain and struggle. Although, I have only been in a 5 year relationship. She was the world to me and we have had these kinds of conflicts often. Except for the fact that she wanted to make love to her hand (albeit, unsuccessfully) all the time instead of me.. It didn't add up that she was asexual and she eventually took the easy route and cheated on me while constantly denying my findings of her unfaithfulness. We separated and now she's with someone whom I had considered a friend and plans to move in with him within a year. But, sorry, I digress. I just find it wonderful that the two of you can reason with this development in a sound manner compared to how mine ended up. I wish you and her a wonderful life after everything is finalized.

Thanks so much. Sorry to hear what happened to you. I think all of us here know the pain you must have gone through and empathize with you. It's a sad person who treats another like that. It's too bad for her because I doubt she will find happiness after doing you like that.
It's funny but after I went through the process of forgiveness (and it took me awhile), everything got better for me. Believe me, my situation was just as bad as yours (for me), for a much longer period of time. it was terrible. But after I forgave, we stopped fighting over sex and I felt much better about myself and who I was. I was ready to move on with my life. Then, just recently, she was the one who finally admitted to me that she wishes she were the one with the higher sex drive and libido. She wanted to feel better about herself sexually, but all of her past issues just would not let her do that. She said that she wishes that she could have changed to be more sexual becasue she learned that a healthy sex life would have made a much happier marriage.
I tell you this to try ease your pain a little because no matter how hard or how long one tries to pretend they were not at fault (or, it was the other person, not me!), the more guilt we take on to hide the truth. But deep down we all know it when we hurt another person the way she hurt you. You can get on with your life and feel free that you did your best. She will have to live with what she did and guilt will ruin one's life. I wish you the very best in turing things around . I hope you can heal and find true love and happiness.

Oh, I believe you, good sir. And thank you very, very much for such an amazing reply! It brings me a vast amount of comfort and ease to know that others know exactly what I am going through and have went through. I did start forgiving to heal just recently, too. I e-mailed her (because she's back in the U.S.) just yesterday about how I won't ever forget her, but I will forgive her for how she has hurt me. When I did this, the tensions in my shoulders lifted, my appetite has slowly begun to return, and I can now truly smile again. Once again, thank you for that reply. It has made my morning and probably my day and it has really touched me. I'm going to save it to remind myself of how things are better now.

Your approach is the right one because you prefer it and because it works for you. It really doesn't need to be more complicated than that. May best wishes go with you.

Thanks, my friend

I have to admit, I like your approach with your wife.

Thanks for your kind words. It was better that way than continually suffering. It is really going to be hard to be without her. I have been with her for 40 yrs. (dating &amp; marriage), so I know this will be tough. But, we either want to change or we don't, right? There is no sense going on being unhappy. I am 61 and I still have great health. So does she. So, let's live and love, right?

I also love your optimism -- something I sorely lack on most days. You both sound very healthy mentally as well. I wish the best for you both.

Thanks again, you are a very sweet woman.