For The Sake Of The Kids Bs!

I love this. I also live it. You're my hero.

Wow, we are very similar. I agree with you

Sorry I saw this post so late in the game, but although I agree that it is better to stay in a sexless marriage if all other aspects of the marriage are amicable, that does not mean you shouldn't take care of your own needs somehow. (Anyway, oceansun, look at those who write that staying for the kids is bs. Many of them do not have any kids so they cannot understand.)

In the meantime, try to do things for yourself. Manifcure, pedicure, excercise, maybe even a lover. There is a middle ground to all this. There is a way around all conundrums provided you are prepared to compromise. Extreme lengths are rarely necessary.

Well you know I agree with you on all of these points. Sometimes there actually is a lot of love in a relationship void of intimacy. Things do actually function quite well, even if just as good friends raising children. If this is what you have, then I do think you should do whatever you can to keep your family together. Your children deserve it and your desires can wait. Of course I'm not saying it's ideal. You are a sex person and to really feel bonded to your partner you want lots of enthusiastic sex with that person. It would be great to have it all, but you have children now and so you can't have it all. In all likelihood, our partners will never really desire us again, especially the way we desire/desired them. So if we stay we are deciding to try and find another way to be happy for our children. We understand that we can't just stay and 'suck it up', because that will just lead to resentment, fighting, and dysfunction. That's not ideal, but in this situation there is no ideal. The other choice is leaving and breaking up your family. Sure, maybe you find an enthusiastic partner who really gets it, but now you still only see your children 50% or whatever your arrangement is and have to live with the damage you have caused. Is that ideal? Of course not. If you can stay and find a way to be happy, I believe you should. Every relationship is different though as you say and everybody will make their own choice.

Thank God your children have a good mom. Not all do. You understand well that you are their caretaker. But caretakers need to also be taken care of. If you are not thriving it will become harder and harder for you to take care of the children. Then they won't thrive either. Get therapy. Make him realize that you are at the end do your rope and you need him to be with you on this. If he can't or won't then get therapy yourself. You are going to need strategies to help you deal with your refuser. You are going to need an unbiased ear to validate your feelings. You are going to need a shoulder to cry on.



Ocean I really worry about you painting yourself into a corner and falling into complete despair. Please get yourself help!

Well said OS.

My position on "staying for the kids" is that if that is the only reason you are staying then it would probably be better for them to grow up with two happy addresses, than one unhappy one.



That being said, everyone has there own path to tread through the horror and misery of being the refused partner in a sexless marriage. ...and no, I don't think that it's just as bad for the poor dear refusing partner. ...and if there is something outside of just not liking sex, then they should either deal with those issues or leave themselves...



But I digress... Everyone has to find their own way. Period. No one else can dictate what is best for someone else's specific situation. We can only give our opinions, and share what we have learned. Give support, encouragement and share our feelings...



Those of us who have left, have a much clearer view of what a dysfunctional mess we were part of, than it was possible to have while we were living it. It tends to give us a bit of a "reformed smoker" attitude toward those who have not yet made a firm decision, and are still involved in one of the "states of coping"...



...and sorting out exactly what their true feelings actually are...



It is cruel, unnecessary and uncalled for to tell a mother who is struggling with such a dreadful decision that she is the sort of mother who raises children who grow up to shoot up malls.



Absolutely reprehensible. Period.

My thoughts: both positions have points of validity. Staying may increase the chances that they will end up in a similar situation. Staying can make you very unhappy. Prolonged unhappiness makes bitterness, bitterness leads to all kinds of bad things.



Leaving, if you do not have a place to go, is frankly sometimes not the best option. A roof over your head is a VERY valuable thing - I speak from experience here.



It is ultimately your judgement call. The most important thing is to make your decision, rather than letting circumstances make them for you.



Intimacy is not BS. It is important and having it witheld from you IS damaging. I don't have kids, so my opinion does not carry much weight. But my opinion is that both decisions have upsides and downside that are very serious.



The ultimate factor is this: what is the home like for your children? Does it give a model that you want them to follow? Is it peaceable enough that they can develop without having spill over damage? While kids will be great more messed up no matter what you do, it does not follow that choosing poorly for them gives them benefit. What is the poor choice? Only you can decide.



I am of the opinion that your husband refuses you out of a hatred for his financial situation. The great thing about this is that is a correctable situation. Look heavily into what you can both do to fix that - leave no stone unturned. It could be possible that he wants you to be working, and is showing his resentment. If you are committed to staying at this point, first priority is getting out of the financial hole. Even if you decide to split later, at least you will do so on better footing. Not easy either way.



Do consider that he may be trying to get you to leave, especially while he is underemployed, thinking that he will 'get away' with low child support payments. I don't think that sounds like something he would do, but I could be wrong.



I do think staying or leaving is a whole 'nother ball of wax when there are kids. While I lean heavily on the 'leave him' side, the bottom line is that there is heartbreak involved no matter which way you go. Leaving lets your heart heal, staying makes it harden.



That said, if leaving makes you and your kids homeless - do not leave.

I've got four kids two that I stayed for and two that were raised by their mother mostly after we divorced. I've come to the conclusion that they grow up to be pretty much whatever they are going to be regardless of what we do. I'm not sure that we have nearly as much influence as we think we do because it seems that their friends have a lot more influence on how they turn out in the long run. All four of my kids are very different and I don't know how much influence that I had on them at all I know none of them are in any way like me. So what is it that we expect carbon copies of ourselves? All we can really do is love them and try to give them a secure and stable environment is pretty much what you are talking about I think and that's not a bad thing at all. But there is a point where sacrificing ourselves is counterproductive because it does set a bad example showing kids that it's proper to be a doormat.but finding the line and maintaining your self respect as opposed to doing what you think is necessary can be pretty tricky. Being responsible for someone else is tough and raising kids is probably one of the hardest jobs there is. It's one of those things where you always hope for the best but sometimes you just have to settle for survival. Good Luck.

" Mothers like that have kids that shoot up shopping malls"

You are vile and you disgust me.

You know I live in Toronto, You know whats been happening here, so if thats not a personal attack, I don't know what is,

open all the stories you want about being blocked, you're a ***** and you know it.

I will pray for your kids, they need it as much as mine.

"The interesting feature of the position that "the kids bgrow up great or ****** regardless of the parents" is that were it true, it makes even MORE sense to get out of a dysfunctional marriage."

Ya Baz and my point is that,

her kids aren't safe just because she got out of it,

and mine won't grow up ****** just because we are trying to work things out.

And making assumptions like that just turns my stomach

"See if I was a good mom, I'd sacrifice my life for my kids, dreams, hopes, happiness, all so that my kids can grow up in this bubble thinking that's it's all good and dandy."



Nope. That is NOT the definition of a "good mother". That is the definition of someone who teaches their kids to hide their true feelings, to NOT be true to themselves, teaching their kids to "stuff it all down". Mothers like that have kids that shoot up shopping malls.

If you are a person of conscience and integrity don't worry yourself a jot about what ANYONE has to say about the subject. You have to figure out what will be doable for not just you but for your kids as well, given your own and their particular circumstances. If your partner or soon to be ex-partner is going to be a total ******* there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change or stop that. You can only manage it as best as you think you can in the circumstances. Moralizing about something like this is just such a waste of precious time and energy, resources that you simply can't afford to waste. You will end up doing what you have to.

As a person that was stuck watching her parents before divorce, let me be the voice of the children. Get a ******* divorce already. Please. I can gaurantee that your kids will be happier. Staying for the kids is BS. You are making them live in Hell. They'd rather be anywhere other than home. Make it a realatively easy divorce. It'll be easier on the kids.

You make your choices on the basis of the facts, as you know them, at a given time.



If different facts arise, or different interpretations of known facts emerge, then you choice(s) may well alter too.



That's where this board comes into its' own. Opinions that one member might not agree with provide an opportunity for members to challenge their thinking.



The invitation to challenge your thinking is provided by this group. Whether you do or not is entirely your call.



And, challenging your thinking does NOT necessarily mean "changing" your thinking. Indeed it might just as often be a matter of re-confirming your thinking.



Tread your own path.