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An Improvement

My wife finally started reading "Sexless Marriage" the book. We have had a lot of discussions, but she is also really trying. I think that she finally got it. Her lovemaking to me actually felt like it should with a hand and bj. She is still working on the vaginismus, but at least she is enthusiastic about my release. I have found that her ******* give her bad headaches so we are trying to work on her meds. This situation is much better the last two weeks. We treat each other with kindness and courtesy in many ways like we were dating. She is trying hard.... and succeeding.... I just have to keep working on being a better husband. It's not perfect, but it is a drastic improvement. Now to the real problem.....I think I have fallen in love with a friend who I have known for six years. We have had many talks about many things including sex (she was in a sexless marriage and finally left) We have never been physically intimate. I have seen this person in almost every possible circumstance on a daily basis and there is nothing that I don't like about her. She is everything that I would want in a wife and lover. I know that it is an emotional affair from my viewpoint. She is a one man woman and has been dating a guy since her divorce, but doesn't want to get serious. It sounds really crass, but if this doesn't work out with my wife, I may lose out on someone who really is a match. I wish I had met this woman 30 years ago. I would have pursued her to the ends of the earth. She has feelings for me, but is a realist that I would not leave my wife. Of course, my wife's health is in decline because she won't exercise and get out of the house. I feel like a really bad person because I would much rather be with this friend, but it would be committing adultery and causing someone I really love to sin. I can't live with that. I should love my wife more, but her attitudes toward
sex for years have made it really difficult.
lonelydrummer lonelydrummer 51-55, M 6 Responses Aug 17, 2012

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The one thing i learned repeatedly is God will never require anything of us, He hasn't already made provision for us to fulfill it . Always we are set up to succeed,

Are you just waiting around for your wife to die? If you do, you don't have to take the "bad guy" rap and you'll likely get something -- life insurance, social security, retirement benefits -- and you won't lose anything. In the meantime, you'll get a few hand jobs and blow jobs. AND...you get to take lots of "emotional" stuff from your not-girlfriend. Perfect!!!<br />
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Not. <br />
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I'm not impressed with any of the characters in this story. They all seem to lack emotional depth and not a one is really a sympathetic character. <br />
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Princess BeDefinitive

Yes, princessmore. I'm not impressed with any of them either, including myself. I have been sympathetic and put up with my wife's crap and prudish attitude for almost 25 years. IT IS NOT PERFECT! I posted because I have to vent someplace.
By the way, my wife and I went to see Hope Springs tonight. A good movie with some good moments. But believe me, results are not seen after a week.

But I have to look at her going to watch this as an improvement. She still says that I just need to treat her better and everything will be ok. I hope that princess bedefinitive never goes through anything like I have gone through for anywhere near the length of time I have gone through it.

I'm definite because I've already lived through "all that" with one exception -- I ended my suffering at 10 years sexless rather than 25. The "sick" husband, the not-boyfriend, the leaving, and finally the death.

Back when I joined ILIASM almost four years ago, we said "it's not your fault". We have grown up. In this case, it is most definitely your fault. How sick do YOU have to be to tolerate this for 25 years? How dysfunctional do YOU have to be to think a couple of hand jobs and/or BJ's after 25 years of this **** is progress? If she's "trying" now, why aren't you LIVID that she didn't manage that for 25 years but now can pull it off?

Princess NoMoreTorture

"still says that I just need to treat her better and everything will be ok" ------
Quite often, our celibate spouses prescribe variants of this treatment plan -- it can mean "don't yell at me" but most often pertains to being wooed with scented candles or doing dishes. I've chased them both, to no avail in the past - to the point where it was obviously ridiculous - I was doing nearly all the housework and cooking and it still ended up cold.

I believe that the taking the position of "woo me, by these methods", is perhaps more accurately examined by backing up to what's actually true here - and that is that she feels disconnected from you.

In market research, especially regarding desire, people are often feel ready to tell you what they think they want, but it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what they *need.*

1 More Response

"Of course, my wife's health is in decline because she won't exercise and get out of the house." She does not want to take care of her own wellbeing,but you feel guilty about leaving her? I guess she probably desperately need some shake and wake up!

This is a crunch time where you stand alone. This is about choice and in making a choice there will be both a right decision and a wrong decision. You can try to make a "have your cake and eat it" decision but it will never actually be what you might wish to see it as. It will always be a choice between 'this' or 'that'. Life conspires to do that sort of thing to you, to us all.<br />
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Baz may well be right. It is a manifestation that your marriage is done even though at this late stage your wife is making some uncertain efforts to change things for the better. The one thing I would caution you against, with the best of intent, is to beware of any possibility that you might be fantasizing about how this other woman feels about you. She is dating someone else and that has to have some significance. Beware that you don't get caught up in the heady rush of 'now'. Give a bit of time and thought to six months from now, five years from now. It could be a bit sobering.

Thank you FOLA! I am already considering that. I realize that my marriage may never really get to the point that I wanted, which is really really frustrating. I guess I am having a sort of mid life crisis, but I also know that I cannot act on this with this woman. Even if I did leave my wife, she would find out who I was seeing and make this woman's life unbearable. My wife has an unbelievable tenacity when she thinks she has been treated badly. So I really have a great friend who I feel energized every time I see her and talk to her. I am thankful for her and want the best for her, even though it is probably not with me. She deserves so much better than she's had to deal with in her life, but she has come through it magnificently. What bothers me the most about this is that I should love my wife more. I should be directing my fantasies toward her. I wanted her for so long, but finally something inside
stopped desiring her like I should. I know that this emotional affair has not helped. But it really showed me what a real woman is like. I really want to fall in love with my wife again and I am encouraged by her trying. There are so many other complicated factors in all of this. Again, FOLA thank you so much for your kindness and thoughtfulness in your post.

Lonely,

Listen to FOIA. I know from experience. It's so difficult to watch the person that has finally awoken you with someone else, but if you're both available and it's truly meant to be it will happen.

Most importantly, you cannot torture yourself over e diminished feelings for your wife. Your desire for her can be completely independent from the love you hold. At least for me, the lack of desire was a defense mechanism. The only way for me avoid the pain of rejection and the lack of desire on her part was to convince myself, at least subconsciously, that I didn't want her too. When you've deadened yourself in this way, it makes the feels for the person that's awaken you that much more intense. The euphoria of feeling alive makes you ascribe to that person all the perfect characteristics that you seek. You see everything as they could or should be and not necessarily how they are. Best of luck!

You are correct in many aspects. But I have known this person for six years and talked about everything under the sun. This person is the real deal, not some figment of infatuation. There has been no physical relationship, but I know in talking with her what she went through is what I went through. We are very good friends. She doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone right now and still struggles with her decision to divorce her husband. She is a good person who truly wants to do the right thing. A breath of fresh air in this day and time. Thank you, ErroniousMonk for your great comments!

Mate, this has been done for ages.<br />
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With this new development with the new chick, and your attitude toward your marriage, it moves up into capital letters D.O.N.E.<br />
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By now, you have seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction ?? Got an exit strategy in do-able or near do-able shape ?? Time is rushing toward the moment you are going to need it.<br />
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Tread your own path.

your mental health is important too. Don't neglect your own well being. You still can be friends with your wife should you try to pursue this. What about an open marriage?