A Former Sm Addict

Oh yes I was wallowing in my SM because I felt that this was all I deserved. The misery and the pain. How hard I tried to get even an ounce of intimacy from my ex. How I debased myself and swallowed every insult and threat because I felt that I deserved nothing better.

Now that I live a life with my husband who is like a walk in sunshine and love, I reread my stories and shake my head that I allowed myself to live such a painful life devoid of respect and human decency for years. Who in the hell was I back then? That woman is a stranger that I feel sorrow for. Not who I am now.

People get too comfortable with horrible situations. We fool ourselves into thinking if I only had more money, I could leave. Once the children are grown I can leave. He or she might change. I might suddenly become a man or woman that my partner will feel some desire for. All beautiful lies!

So in our addiction to a false hope we spend years in pain and anger hanging onto the fragile hope that there will be a magical awakening from our partners and we will be held and loved and have intimacy. Life is not like this! Reality is not like this!

We become addicted to what we wish for and not what is real. We become addicted to hope. People do not change!

I have read lately about people getting so desperate that they look for an open marriage. Joining sites that put them in contact with married people in similar situations who are looking for partners but keeping their shame marriages intact. No judgement here folks for I have also looked out of my SM for intimacy and affection but I was only fooling myself.

I found it impossible to live two lives. I had to make the hard choice to end my SM abusive marriage and move on. If I hadn't, I would be dead today. That simple. Many of you are not in my situation as I lived it a few years back. You are not living with a crazy person who intended to kill you.

Get your heads out of your behinds and make some decisions to have better lives. If you chose to have an affair be prepared for the consequences. Go for it. I have no judgement. If you chose to stay with a person who robs you of your self respect then do so. Your choice. We all own our decisions and the resulting consequences. Just think things through before you make any decisions and read here for there is a wealth of knowledge available.

I fooled myself for years thinking that my ex might change and become loving and respectful of me. Was I stupid back then! He was never going to change so I had to change. How I thought about myself. How I respected and loved myself. Once that happened for me I can draw a boundaries very quickly. No one is a part of my life who does not respect me! My Karma which constantly empowers me. You can accomplish the same thing but first of all, you have to respect yourself. Peace,D
dartist dartist
56-60, F
7 Responses Aug 18, 2012

A fantastic analogy. We become addicted to the misery...<br />
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To which I say.... 'screw that, I'm OUTTA here!'

Dartist, I find these posts written in retrospect of our SMs so helpful. The path to improving our self esteem wasn't laid out before us. We had to find it on our own...clear it...and make it ours. As you've clearly pointed out, once we begin to value ourselves, it's only a matter of time before we identify our SMs as subpar and begin the exit process. I am a little over two weeks away from my divorce being final. It took 20+ years for my self-esteem to be decimated. It only took two years to rejuvenate it, and see it flourish. Thank you.

Hi Dartist!<br />
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You are sounding remarkably like Baz! No bad thing to be honest but it is HIS role.<br />
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MissLee, Thank you for reading and your comment. I am in one of these transitions that brings me further along in my life. Spending quiet time and gathering my thoughts. Peace,D

Very wise words. Thank you for taking the time to write these things.

Thank you Baz. I never thought of this as an addiction until tonight. Lots of therapy lately which has opened up my eyes. I recognize that I used to be a crisis junkie. Discussed this with Rob. It was how I was raised and continued into my adult life for years. Quite wearing and destructive. Always had to be in the position of the "fixer" of problems. <br />
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It has been quite an adjustment to be with a man who does not need fixing. LOL! One I now find a joy. I do not have that energy anymore quite frankly. That old baggage was hard to toss off and I clung to it as a supposed comfort. How I have changed over the past few years! Thank you for your comment. Peace,D

I reckon there is more in this being addicted to a dysfunctional spouse than anyone might think.<br />
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I wrote a story "Addicted to Your Spouse" quite a while back which explored this (it wasn't a very good piece actually) as it seemed to me to be a reasonable theory. The similarities between staying in a dysfunctional situation, and engaging in harmful levels of alcohol / drugs / gambling seemed pretty logical to me.<br />
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All involve engaging in self harming behaviour. All are very very difficult to "give up". All involve denial as the first line defence. Rationalising as the second line defence. And the way out also hinges on getting out of denial, and into acceptance. And, the embracement of the life law of choice and consequence.<br />
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Great piece you have written here sister dartist.<br />
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Tread your own path.