Not Being Authentic

way too complex here...tell her what you think

Hi there! Thanks for the shout-out! You are exactly right - developing my solid, flexible self and pursuing the approach that Dr. Schnarch teaches in Intimacy and Desire (which is MUCH different than conventional marriage counseling) is, in my opinion, the way to go for making a long-term relationship work (and be fulfilling for both partners). I really can't recommend his books highly enough. If you are lucky enough to attend one of his workshops, even better (worth every penny).



Baz is right about the choices made in your own interest and living authentically will destabilize a dysfunctional relationship. It is the quickest way to untangle the gridlock between partners. However, rather than the partner not liking it, I think that a common outcome is that the partner responds very positively to those changes and can be inspired to embrace their own authenticity in the process.



If you simply be who you are, and someone can't love you for that, then that makes your decision to stay or go really easy. Essentially, they make the decision for you.

I for one, lived my life "to go along, to get along." It has really taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I am really facing my unhappiness and rediscovering what makes me tick. It has been the hardest challenge of my life.

Even as a child, my interests that were not in the interests of my parents were criticized.

I think I really became a mindless little puppy who allowed himself to be led along by others. It's no wonder that I ended up self-medicating and sexless.

Be strong.

Regarding a spouse that derides your interest in music -



People that do not like music are best avoided all together. In particular, people that make fun of something that brings you joy (especially something as cool as indian flute music) is, at best, a jerk. Yes they may have other positive qualities, but you are dealing with someone who wants to see your joy of life diminished. Any wonder she does not want you? She can't even like it when you are happy because of your music. Maybe that is what she hates: your happiness.

If you make choices based on your best interests, you WILL shift the dynamic. That, is inevitable, as it will destabilise the dysfunctional situation even further, as you regain your control, and lessen your spouses control.



Refusives do not usually react real well to this shift, and their true colours emaerge. It is usually not pretty, but it IS the truth. And you can base your ongoing choices on truth. That's a good thing.



Tread your own path.

Sounds like the perfect soul-sucking *****. "I haven't got one of my own so I'll have yours as well. That way nobody is happy and we're all equal." She could maybe win an Olympic Gold for sneering.

Thanks mv for putting this in perspective. It turns out that being authentic is very difficult for someone who has been "going along to get along". This will be a challenge.

-----"When I do play I am derided and mocked because my wife doesn't enjoy that type of music."



True colors of a person certainly do come out when they lose control over another - if they have a strong need to control and there is a precedent in the home for that to happen.



As you grow and develop you will see more of these attributes come to the front - they were there all along but your powers of observation has been heightened and your consciousness has been raised.

As you are experiencing, "going along to get along" for years is highly detrimental to your mental and physical health. This philisophy might win a few battles (by your routine retreat) but you ultimately end up losing yourself. No one can stand up for you better than YOU. And no one as as much invested in standing up for yourself and your needs than YOU.



So no one can do it as effectively as YOU.



Best of luck in your search towards living a higher quality of life.



Regardless of relationship status!