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I Live In a Sexless Marriage

No More Sex, Damn That Menopause...

By: lovelyguy1
Written on August 19th, 2012
My wife and I have been married 25 years, and the last 3 years there has been no sex, which drives me crazy! She will not allow touching, or any intimacy, she says the menopause has made her asexual, no desire. I have asked if she would give me a blow but apparently her mouth doesnt work any more either. She just pushes me away. She still expects me to do my share of the housework, and work full-time, and pay for the mortgage etc etc. But no sex. And she expects me to remain faithful. If anyone can give me any tips?
By: lovelyguy1
Age: 51-55
217 people have read this story

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22 responses
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    hl42
    hl42

    So, for the people here who expect this guy to be all patient and considerate and consider her needs and it'll all be alright, how long do you reckon he has to wait - with zero - I repeat zero sex for 3 years?! Unilateral, no hj, bj or anything, "just" suck it up eh? For an indefinite time (which I predict will be forever unless he does something to change the situation).

    Aug 19, 2012
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      mvcmvc
      mvcmvc

      Agree. There are literally decades of life left he must do something to move things off topdead center.

      Aug 19, 2012
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      R23Olympic
      R23Olympic

      I'd say he needs to wait twelve months at most. At three years, he's way past the mark for patience. No doubt, some tough choices lie ahead.

      Aug 19, 2012
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    WildSpectrumArts
    WildSpectrumArts

    So you believe sex is payment for you doing your job as a person? Hmm. Interesting. Tips: Have some compassion for her situation. It is temporary but a bad attitude on your part can make it permanent. If you are on EP for support, you will find lots of it. If you are on EP to fool around, I'm sure you will find some idiot willing to indulge you too. But in regards to your sexless marriage, you should probably talk to her and have a group discussion with her physician and a marriage counselor to get things back on track. There is more there than just her menopause causing the sexual freeze.

    Aug 19, 2012
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      lovelyguy1
      lovelyguy1

      I am sure you are right, thanks for your helpful and thoughtful post. I dont see it as a payment, but i am frustrated that i am trying hard to help her in all departments and the sex and affection is non existent. [It has been three years and im still here so i cannot be said to lack patience....]

      Aug 19, 2012
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      WildSpectrumArts
      WildSpectrumArts

      Why are you here? You might want to think about your reasons or motives for being here.

      Aug 19, 2012
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    R23Olympic
    R23Olympic

    There is a lot of interesting advice on menopause and sexuality in the following article from webmd:



    http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/sex-drive-and-menopause



    The underlying question about your relationship seems to be the main issue. Is your spouse in love with you enough to try and make things better? Or is menopause used an excuse for inaction?



    Holding up your end of the financial and household responsibilities won't be enough. You'll need to tackle the emotional side of this issue as well, and appeal to her mental desire. Given the pain of rejection, that's certainly a hard thing to do.

    Aug 19, 2012
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      lovelyguy1
      lovelyguy1

      Thanks very much for your helpful post. I am holding up my end lol. My wife does love me, does not want to leave. But her nether regions are closed.

      Aug 19, 2012
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      R23Olympic
      R23Olympic

      My spouse love me as well. I pay for everything, so she certainly doesn't wan't to leave either. The real question seems to be: can one be satisfied with the level of intimacy that comes from someone who doesn't really enjoy sex anymore. If I had to do without completely, I certainly wouldn't be satisfied at all.

      Aug 19, 2012
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    FilteringMachine
    FilteringMachine

    That "exploding" feeling you have? Guess what? It is not sexual frustration. It is pain at rejection. Sure, it happens to occur within a sexual context. But from where I sit - six months away from my ex and almost three months divorced - I'm realizing that sexual frustration alone is rather easy and simple to deal with. The rage and hurt and anxiety comes not from blue balls or not getting your rocks off. It comes from being rejected from the one you love.



    I've not had sex for several months. That frustrated feeling I had while married? GONE. It was the rejection, the manipulation, and being used that causes that feeling. You are being taken advantage of, and that is the emotion you are experiencing.



    Don't delude yourself - you wife does not care about your needs - and also, she does not like you. There is no honor in loving someone who does not love you - stop telling yourself that there is.

    Aug 19, 2012
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      lovelyguy1
      lovelyguy1

      Thanks a lot for your post. I am not ready for divorce yet, though it is tempting in lots of ways; going to try to work it through, and maybe things will change.

      Aug 19, 2012
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      FilteringMachine
      FilteringMachine

      Yes. Maybe it will. It rains in the desert sometimes.

      Aug 19, 2012
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    hl42
    hl42

    Damn that Menopause... Excuse.



    I'd believe your wife when she says she is asexual, has no desire - at least, not with you. She's given you a unilateral decision on what's happening. And hey, if she wants to self-justify with menopause - that's her call. She may find she's writing herself off, as well as writing you out of sexuality.



    And there's the rub - so to speak. Regardless of their own feelings in the matter, a loving spouse wants to do whatever they can to help their partner be satisfied in what's important to them - whatever that is. And that's all about attitude, what goes on in the brain. For example, if I lost all my equipment, arms, legs, I'd still have my tongue, and I'd be delighted to put it to good use.



    And even if she can't bring herself to do that - the only honorable thing for her to do is to either release you from the requirements of fidelity, or accept divorce gracefully. Anything else is self-serving BS.

    Aug 19, 2012
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      lovelyguy1
      lovelyguy1

      Thanks so much for your thoughtful post. There's the rub lol - good one. I tend to treat here as if she has a physical malady however, a sexual malfunction which will rectify itself once menopause has run its course .... so i am hopeful that things will improve. Am i overly optimistic i wonder? thanks again.

      Aug 19, 2012
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      zsuzsilowinger
      zsuzsilowinger

      Here's a question for you that may answer whether you have cause to be hopeful: is she doing everything in her power to get through her difficulty? Has she seen a doctor about her lack of physical ability? Because nowadays if she is having that much difficulty it may be possible she could get hormonal help or something like that! Is she reaching out to you in other ways that shows she still values you as a person? Can you talk through these difficulties? Or is it more of an "excuse" without any justification or time line?

      Aug 19, 2012
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      mvcmvc
      mvcmvc

      Menopuause does not run it's course. It is permanent.

      From WebMed: " Menopause is the permanent end of menstruation and fertility, defined as occurring 12 months after your last menstrual period.

      Menopause is a natural biological process, not a medical illness. Even so, the physical and emotional symptoms of menopause can disrupt your sleep, sap your energy and — at least indirectly — trigger feelings of sadness and loss.

      Even though menopause is not a disease, you shouldn't hesitate to seek treatment for severe symptoms. Many effective treatments are available, from lifestyle adjustments to hormone therapy."

      The menopause phase can be used as an excuse to not do the hard work of digging down into relationship issues.

      She might be content with the sexless status quo.

      Aug 19, 2012
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      hl42
      hl42

      Statistically, sex life is NOT correlated with menopause. Duration of relationship is. For some women, sexual desire goes up, for others down.

      Yes, there are physical and emotional effects, which as mvcmvc says are natural and not an illness. And attitudes make the biggest difference there, in terms of getting treatment and overcoming silly negative self-talk and toxic stereotypes about what "should" happen, or that you turn into a sexless crone. BS. Yes - you can get vaginal dryness, yes, insomnia and hot flashes may happen, mood swings, the works. DW has some of these. BUT they do not stop us having a good sex life - that's down to attitude.

      My big feeling here is that the menopause was a great relief to her to stop the sex that she no longer wanted. And what's wrong with that is that it's unilateral and does not consider the unfair "bargain" where you're expected to be celibate because of the notion of fidelity in these circumstances - clearly an inhumane and absurd thing to ask anyone who's not willing.

      Aug 19, 2012
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    paxetlux
    paxetlux

    Have you got nothing else out of your marriage other than sex? Do you no longer get anything out of your marriage other than sex? If so, I think the only sensible thing to do is to move on. And if you should entertain the notion of entering into another committed relationship you should make it painfully clear that you are predominantly there for the sex. No sex, no longer a relationship. I am willing to bet that there will be a small band of women who do actually think similarly. Whether you can find someone from that who you can share an affinity with overall will be a bigger challenge.

    Aug 19, 2012
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      lovelyguy1
      lovelyguy1

      I am not there just for sex of course. My wife is a lovely, intelligent, feisty woman. And the cream on the cake was she was great in bed - but no longer!

      Aug 19, 2012
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    bazzar
    bazzar

    based on your other story and this one, you seem to be carrying a pretty "entitled" sort of attitude, which might not be helping you resolve bthis matter.



    Are you looking for "tips" to turn her into what you want her to be ? If that's the case, I got nothin - apart from an opinion that attempting to meld people into your version of what they ought to be is a road to nowhere.



    If it is tips on going about extramarital sex you are after, search enna30's "Outsourcing Your Needs" for one thing. Then search for member mvcmvc and read everything of hers you can find. Your search will uncover the fact that the affair option is a very very difficult one requiring resources and a skill set that not everyone has.



    You have some very challening choices ahead of you. Extensive reading in here might be a real good thing to do, just to help you get a handle on what you are dealing with, and the very few (and all challenging in their own way) options open to you.



    Tread your own path.

    Aug 19, 2012
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      lovelyguy1
      lovelyguy1

      Thanks for this. Yes, it is difficult, and no, i dont want extramarital sex. Its just that i get do damned horny and on edge. I am taking all kinds of calming herbs and st johns wort - this actually does help. But I feel like i am going to explode!

      Aug 19, 2012
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      bazzar
      bazzar

      OK, so you are looking for tips as to how to bear the unbearable. Things like you have already desribed will work for a while. So will hobbies, work and suchlike as distractive measures. But longer term, this will eat you up. My story "Recognize Reality" might be worth a read. Treating the marriage strictly as a financial partnership worked for me for quite a while. But it eventually failed - as all these bandaid measures do. Sooner or later you have to confront the core problem. The earlier you do this, the better.

      Aug 19, 2012
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