"Be Discreet."

If your husband (wife) told you to, "get a boy(girl) friend but be discreet and don't fall in love" as one of his defenses - would you?

Also, what does this say (what do you think?) to the members of the group about his/her mindset?

AND what does it take to compartmentalize each side?

Do any of you have arrangements like this?
Do they work?
Or is it just a compact with the devil?

I'm a firm believer that kids are lightning rods for this kind of behavior.
We have a 4 yr old granddaughter in the house.
Any experiences with that?
Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting
56-60, F
17 Responses Aug 19, 2012

My wife, in a fit of rage once told me to go out and get a girlfriend. I don't think she meant it -- just venting (duh!!).

This occurred when I had come to the conclusion that she may actually not love me at all and never did. I was still mad about her.

An old friend of mine -- a woman -- had been telling me about how luck my wife was to be with me, etc. At some point I just dropped the statement that the marriage was physically dead and that she had no interest in me whatsoever. She assured me that that was not the case and told me a bunch of things to do -- guaranteed to spice things up.

So I launched an assault on my wife. Cleaning, cooking, always immediately addressing every complaint, etc, then after a few weeks I took her out and we made love afterwards. Over a period of two months, we did it three times -- we were really working it here for us. It may have been a year and a half before that.

But I found after that that she was getting increasingly agitated with me for everything even though I was being the best model husband I could muster. In a fit of rage one night she accused me of hunting her all the time and only doing nice things to try to get her in bed. She accused me of touching her in the shower for the sole purpose of F**king her. Honestly, for the incident in question, that was not my objective -- I was just feeling loving.

So in this "Episode" she blurts out that I should get a girlfriend to take care of my needs. I ignored it and tried to calm her down. After that, I was pretty careful not to give her a massage or anything unless the kids were in the bed with us, etc. Careful not to give off the wrong impression.

After a few weeks, she actually accused me of having an affair. I did not know what to make of that. That was the third such accusation or concern she had had. And at the time, I had never even remotely considered such a thing. I later -- over a year and after a few more deal killers -- I landed myself in an affair. The really strange thing that has never made any sense to me was the fact that she NEVER has accused me of having an affair or even questioned it since I actually had one. If one of you women can explain that, I would be really interested in hearing THAT.

For some this is the only way. Or it's the brooklyn bridge.

Try wild sex first with willing lover ! The bridge still be there!

I've done this. In 1999, my husband told me to "do whatever I wanted, but don't bring home anything I didn't leave with." My kids were 6 and 9. I was "discreet" until about three years ago, when I lost control of a relationship w/a significantly younger, single, man who didn't seem to recognize boundaries. My then 16yr old caught us kissing and screamed out my transgression during an argument w/me, hoping to cause me grief with her father. He pretended not to hear. Today, my daughters are 19 and 22. The 22yr old has just begun her 1st year at a Top 10 law school. The 19yr old is an RA on the Dean's list at a great university where she's on track to graduate in 2.5yrs. Neither is promiscuous. Both are extremely judicious about the types of guys they choose to date. Whatever you decide is up to you. Choose wisely. Be careful.

So, would you do it all again?

Do what? Marry? Or have an affair? If the latter -- Yes. But in re: your question of mindset: it bothers me that my husband appears concerned only about "appearances." I wish he cared enough to be furious at the thought of me with someone else.

I have none. If you have read my story, that just about sums it up. I do believe that children, when especially when they get a bit older, sop up things around them like sponges. Discretion is hardly ever very discreet. I get the feeling that you are still together at this point, mainly for your granddaughter. Tough situation, as, is she was a child, I would advise you to leave your SO...I don't have the same type of experience and I do not know what I would do in your situation. All that I can draw on is my experience, so I will leave this to others...

It is very personal choice but I could not do it.

This is harder then you might think. Don't forget your most active sex organ is your brain. It is hard to get naked with someone you don't love. 30 years in the service I learned how to do it but, I always felt guilt when it was over. We baby sit our 3 year old grandchild and have done the same with all our GCs and it is do able.. We have learned if you don't want the answer don't ask the question. If you are wanting to do this always meet in a very public place for coffee several times before you get naked with the guy or gal. And don't ignore your husband.

I have an open marriage where H is aware that i see others...Like FullMoon I didn't ask permission nordid he didn't tell to go there...I just went. <br />
After 2 years of sexlessness he drove me there & it was after trying eveything else so when he found out about 8 months in...he was shocked and hurt but he also blamed himself and we breifly tried to be intimate but jezz by then I wasn't into him anymore and ga ga over a new guy...so that was short lived and we are back to sexlessness...only I have my now second boyfriend and he is aware of it. <br />
It isn't perfect and not for everyone but we are simply not ready to walk away from our family and each other. Pretty sure eventually we will, when ready. Or when one of us is sick of living this way. <br />
As for love--yes I'd say I loved both boyfriends--the first one the most & he was single & far away so of course it didn't last. My new one is married and local like me and doesn't want to change his situation--this is probably best suited. <br />
Best of luck to you.

I think very dimly of people who tell their partners: "Let's stay married. You go get some on the side, I don't mind." I bet the next thing they think is "Ok, I am done with this; now I can plan on my root canal tomorrow, yay." If they stay in the marriage, the least they owe the refused is to mourn with him/her.

Well, at the very least they can still be jealous and possessive ;-)

It is not up to them. They lost all say when they refused, structurally. <br />
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And usually, they don't mean it.<br />
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My personal take is that I couldn't hack the complexities, nor could I reconcile being with someone who wasn't prepared to bust a gut to help me get what I want.

I did this after months of the wife telling me to go bother someone else for sex. When she found out i had taken her advice her reaction was Volcanic.<br />
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You cannot win here. If you are being told this you are being set up to fail<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

See? As Elaine said, "fake, fake, fake and fake."

I see Frustrated's scenario as the most likely to occur. You're married to someone whose psyche is messed up. What may seem like a perfectly reasonable solution one day, may very well seem disgusting the next. If you're that gung-ho to do it, just do it. But please, meet with an attorney first. Know upfront what you'd do if he suddenly changes his mind. Hell, I'd even get him to sign some kind of paperwork acknowledging he approves of this (depending on the divorce laws in your area.) I cheated. Once I felt that passion, experienced fulfilling communication...I asked for divorce. My advice...just get the damn divorce...stop dancing around the obvious.

Vast majority of us here are in dysfunctional marriages bereft of intimacy.<br />
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Looking beyond the marriage to meet this need for intimacy means you are looking for a level of normality in your life. You are actualling looking for the component your spouse is not providing. And, whereas sex is part of that, it ain't all of it.<br />
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A spouse who suggests you simply go out and root someone else is missing the point completely.<br />
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In effect, they are suggesting you find a masturbatory aid - in the form of a person - and that ain't actually what you are looking for.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I just had to join in with Ein and say what a wonderfull line.Its the best laugh i have had for a long time.

We actually had this conversation earlier this year, when I thought if I could just get some physical attention I could hang in there. He agreed that we could open our marriage, and then started to make demands, like "but don't sleep with someone just for sex, you have to feel something for them..." etc. <br />
<br />
At which point I went, huh? Why are YOU setting boundaries here?<br />
<br />
I decided I didn't want an open marriage after all, I wanted to "move on". <br />
<br />
We are now separated but I haven't actually found someone else, as it's a "little complicated" and I'm just feeling relieved that I'm no longer "married". <br />
<br />
Once I found I didn't have to rely on HIM for sex, I felt much more free to just relax about the whole deal.

Yes, sex will go the way of movie entertainment. People saw movies in theaters a lot and still do, but the number of hours they spend in front of a family television is far more than hours spent in a theater. Then the single family telly got split up between the parents and kids. So for some time there was duo entertainment, but now it's all solo thanks to phones and tablets where you watch video all by yourself. Sex will go the same way, all solo, all the time.

It works perfectly for me... I did not ask permission (I don't like any control over me)... My marriage won't change(Nothing can make my husband healthy young and not depressed), so I had to do something... He does not know and I am not going to hurt him, unless (there is always a risk) something goes pear shaped... I am fully aware of it... What happen in the future nobody knows... but I am fully alive last 6 months... I can't give any advise everyone chooses his own way...

Happy for you!

Pointless complexity and inviting all kinds of bad consequences. Nyah, I will pass. (Helps that I have essentially no social life, and there are no potential candidates in the workplace. I also doubt that sex with a woman will ever do it for me anyway. What's the point?)

It seems unlikely that one will just casually happen to meet the right person, and then gain that person's complete understanding regarding the complexities of their situation.

I wouldn't be able to help you here, it's not what I want. I can't imagine there being a woman (in my case) who would be interested solely in sex. At least not one I would find attractive, or be interested in. It seems like a recipe for disaster. Good luck :)

He does not care about sex anymore and his love for you is minimal, find someone to talk with or find a special friend.

No experience with that. Given the current state of things I would be sorely tempted but would expect my wife to meet the other person so that we can be FWB in a larger sense. However, wouldn't know where to start at my age to find somebody mature and independent enough to work at a FWB relationship.

What's FWB? Sorry I'm so dumb - been this way all my life.