Anyone Have Success?

Has anyone resurrected their sex life inside of their marriage? If so, how did you do it?
modernfortinbras modernfortinbras
26-30, M
10 Responses Aug 19, 2012

We're trying. <br />
At least I am having sex with my spouse (and not just things that take AA batteries).<br />
She's emotionally neglected me as there's a lot of anger, pain and mistrust on my part. This all hurts.<br />
But of course the lack of connection is partly related to the sexual deprivation as well. <br />
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I would like us to go to a sex therapist for at least a few times, because both of us have big, sex-specific problems. We're already in couples', and I have been in individual therapy for a while.

I have a 4 part series in ILIASM "What I Did About It", Parts, 1-4. There are several other stories in this forum as well as the group titled "I am working to improve my marriage". I am one of the 7 Baz mentioned who has repaired my marriage (with significant effort from us both).

Well not the best advice here but my wife found my journal and it got me seriously laid a couple of times. Well that was a month ago. Maybe i need to write more in it. lol<br />
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You know i feel if they will talk about it and seek help then you have a chance. If they get mad and deny help then you have what you have. Talk can be cheep as is the case with my wife. Her personality stands in her way!

You are 26. You have fun with your wife, you just don't have sex. Oh, and you are lonely and have no one to talk to about this. On an average this sad group overdoses on the "leave yesterday" line but this is a case where I am entirely with the "leave now" camp. If you were a woman you could at least pray for an early menopause. As a man, in the "worst" case, you may have to wait until you are 85 to get some balance.

No, I don't think it happens, because even when you stay with the same person, it is a different marriage - it's been reinvented. And yes, I'm one of the few who's been able to go down that path.<br />
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And please, don't come over all snooty about people who leave - for two reasons. First up, people who come here are already going to unreasonable lengths to stay in a bad situation. And it's not in their control whether it will get better or not, and as Bazz has pointed out, the chances are slim because it's already been proven by the sexless outcome that the marriage is in ER whether both people recognise it or not.<br />
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Second, when you make changes, you have to let go of the outcome. You can't control that. For me, it could easily have lead to divorce, and I'm no better or worse than anyone who's taken that (or any other route).<br />
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Finally, and even though we've been able to get to a better place - that's taken years and years of pain and rebuilding trust. Given your age, the fact that you're already looking to chat with others outside the marriage, and you don't mention kids - I'd have said, I wouldn't continue - too much cost for too little prospect of a good life - for both parties. It's not doing the other person a favor by flogging some horses.

I'm not meaning to be judgmental of those who leave. Often, I think that makes sense.

HL42, well said. The scale of change required to pull up from this kind of dive is simply not the kind of thing that's going to happen on its own. It is my belief that there must be a serious and sincerely intended ultimatum - with teeth. In my case, we were already eulogizing our former relationship and contacting lawyers, and an affair had already happened.

Your second point, about making changes and letting go the outcome: it's an important one. There are some things that can be compromised and some that can't - and those will shift by person, depending on their priorities. Note that your partner, who is also in a sexless marriage, also will have some changes that she requires, to be fulfilled. This is a scary game to play, this stage, because you must stay focused on what each of you need, and keep in mind that either of you may find the other to be incompatible with those goals or desires. It's painful and difficult, but you must use those needs as the skeleton on which to build the new relationship --which leads to the first point. I think a lot of people come on here expecting to "fix" their spouse and "restore" their relationship to whatever it was, just prior to failing. That's not going to happen. Whatever that was, it had a design flaw that worked for you and not for your partner. Whatever you build again with each other, I find it best to think of it as a new relationship. In my case, what worked best was to constantly consider my wife as a new person who I just met (maybe, she moved in next door). This mental game often helped me maintain boundaries (which included knowing when she'd stepped too far beyond them). I could always apply my "girl next door" test -which was, would I want to date this person, if I'd just met them? It's an enormous and time consuming piece of work to even point it in the right direction.

As to whether, knowing what I know now --would I have embarked upon it in my twenties? Without And I love my wife, but when we both have discussed that point, we've both said the same thing - we both have some 15 years invested, kids, house, etc, and we do love each other, but we would not choose to be married to each other, with such a trend established in our twenties. The length of the remedy will take longer than the amount invested in the relatonship. I think in such a case, might be better to roll again.

Yes i have. I stopped being a doormat and laid down some consequences for her behavour. The wife actually respects me now.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I can think of 3 members who have produced the result you speak of. I can think of another 4 who have made claims to have done so (on pretty flimsy evidence), but let's be generous and counr the full 7.<br />
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There are 30,118 members here last time I looked, so do the math. You are hoping to be in the 0.02324%. <br />
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I'd be betting that you ain't.<br />
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Tread your own path.

But how many have made a real effort?

If you read a few dozen stories in here you might realise what a thoughtless and grossly insulting remark you have made there.

But, just to humour you this once, my estimate of those 30,118 members who have made a real effort would number roughly 27,106 or 90%. And you have just insulted them all.

Everyone I know in this situation has made a phenomenal effort. I've improved my diet, attire, worked out, and read every possible source on improving my sexual technique. That's just for starters. Now I'm getting ready to spend a lot of money to change our living arrangements. This is a serious effort which spans years. We're not just sitting around and hoping that things will get better. Wake up and see reality. The odds really are against you. "Made a real effort?" ... Wake up!

For me, I’m 35 and had gotten out of shape a little bit. I could feel that my joints and muscles starting hurting because of sitting long periods without ever moving. So I started exercising, watching what I was eating and started to slim down. As I started to look and feel healthier, I could see that the wife was started noticing me more. I went out and did the extreme; so I went out and got a full body wax job and had a complete tan all over my body. I personally cried as the lady at the salon was ripping the hair away from my marble bag. That same week Friday, the wife and I started drinking. I put on some really relaxing music to play in the back ground. Walked over to her looking her right in her eyes getting closer to her mouth so I could feel her breath. I refrained from kissing her but slid my face so my mouth came close to her ear. I whispered into her ear about how sexy she looked. She had on really tiny shorts that showed her legs and a very small amount of the lining on her ***. Man was she so hot looking that night. She slipped her hands up my shirt very slowly lifting my shirt off to expose my chest. At that time I pulled up on her hands and placed them behind her head telling her not to move. I backed away from her and began to slowly remove my buckle on my pants. Then removed them as well exposing the only thing I had on which was a small black G-string. Her eyes lit up in amazement, a big smile filled her face, her arms dropped to her side. With the soft Jazz music in the back ground, I started to give her a lap dance. I only got half way done with it thou, she grabbed my sides pulling the front of the G-string closer to her face ----- Let’s just say BINGO! It is the most basic rules in psychology that still works today. You can’t make anyone else happy until you make yourself happy. I felt like **** during the time I was out of shape, not only that but depressed as well was a killer. And yes I did feel weird sharing this story with you about the G-string!

I'm working on getting back into shape. I don't know if that will help my sex life, but I hope it helps me. Thanks for the encouragement!

My experience is that if you work very hard and treat your spouse the same way you did while you were dating, you might be able to double the frequency of intimate encounters; say from once a month to twice a month. But things can't be too far gone for this to work, and your spouse has to be on board. If your sex life is completely dead, then no resurrection may be possible.<br />
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After dealing with this issue for many years, I'm going to second the comments from MMF. If you're in your twenties and asking these questions, cut your losses and move on. Don't waste the best years of your sexual life with someone who can't become what you really need. The resentment will build over time. <br />
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Do yourself a favor and open the possibility for good sex while you're young. Don't get stuck with years and years of unsatisfying 'duty' sex.

I understand where you're coming from... but honestly, I'd rather be with her and never have sex than to be without her.

You say this now, thinking that you are managing the problem. You haven't caught on that this problem is a moving target, where the magnitude of irritation increases year by year, until it spills over the bulkheads and begins cascading into other aspects of your relationship to each other and other people. Think of how much your thinking has changed on this from, say, the first month you noticed until now. I imagine that took a year or two, right? Now, add 10 years on to that, or 20, or 30, and the stress of a job, kids --where this thing that means so much is absent, leaving you with mostly the work. How are you going to feel about a "partner" where this is absent, in that time frame? Where is this trend headed? Not only that, but the familiar pattern is to cut off ALL intimacy (kissing, hugging), eventually, out of the fear that it might lead to something more. If the marriage is intimacy averse, it's already gone **** up. Time for a new marriage-- to reinvent it or select anew.

I have to agree with Vjerilood. There are very few success stories posted on this board. This is very discouraging for us who hold out hope that things will get better. Unfortunately, once a refuser always a refuser seems to be our motto. How I wish that I could tell you that we have many many success stories, but they are few and very far between. Sorry I could not be more encouraging.