The Ultimate Fu!

I have been into the wine tonight and am letting go here folks. Been in a grief support group where I live and been listening to others in the group and remaining a bit quiet about my life as it is so dramatic. I do not want to take away from others pain at loss but I have wanted to scream out at what my life was like for years. Not the appropriate place to totally vent. I will go into individual counseling and let go at that point. Being respectful.

I am so angry! My ex shot himself in the family home that was under contract to be sold. This happened because of an injury I sustained in 2007. From that point on I lost the ability to work and we lived on credit cards due to my loss of income. I did manage to get a two day a week job taking care of an elderly woman to pay some bills but we got behind and had to file Chapter 13.

I had made a plan to leave this horror of a marriage that was sexless, loveless, and devoid of any compassion for my surgery and loss of income. My injury ended that so I had to regroup and try to work out the financial hardships.

My ex did everything during that time to alienate my children from me and he accomplished just that! It was only after my daughter wrote to me telling me what lies he filled my children with that I became aware of just how evil he was. He did such a good job that neither my son or daughter refuse to have a relationship with me at the present time and he was their stepfather!

My ex shot himself in his bedroom in the house that we had just sold. From that point on my life as been pure hell with my two children! Even the detective that responded to the 911 call advised me to leave the premises because he feared for my safety in direct relationship to what my children were saying about me! My own children said things to the police that put my well being in jeopardy! I was dumbfounded!

Never underestimate what your ex might do! My ex told me over and over that he found it appropriate to destroy anyone or thing that I loved if I left him. I refused to believe him because my mind does not work that way. He did a marvelous job and I am left cut off from my children and my grandchildren as as direct result of his actions.

Where do I go from here? I am lost. I now live with a wonderful husband who is loving and kind. I love our marriage and how easy it is to love one another but a huge part of my life is missing. I have written and made phone calls to my son and daughter and have been met with silence. What do I do now? A part of my heart has been ripped out. How can I make peace with this?

Do my children miss me?. I have grandchildren and am being denied any contact with them. How did the two children I loved and fought for and given to what they needed cast me aside? It breaks my heart.

I do not know if I am the extreme of living in a SM? I have no answers. The loss that I feel is so incredibly painful. I do not know what steps to take now. Should I close the door on my son and daughter or should I continue to try living on false hope?

I do not want anyone in this group to feel the pain of such rejection but we all have to be true to our hearts. Perhaps my story is an extreme. I hope so. My choice came down to death or life and I chose life. I do not regret that but it came at a price. A hard price but I pay my price for the alternative was my own demise. Peace,D
dartist dartist 56-60, F 11 Responses Aug 20, 2012

Your Response


Thanks to all of you for continued support and very thoughtful and helpful comments. Until and unless my children can contact me with a degree of love and RESPECT, (Huge word in my vocabulary now) I am remaining quiet as I wrote to them both over the past few months and have been met with silence.

I will only surround myself with people who accept my life now and my right to live in peace and love. Six weeks of grief counseling helped me a lot and I will sign up for individual sessions this week to deal with the PTSD.

Today I received a payout on my sold house and started shaking as I endorsed the check for deposit. My attorney called last week to tell me that this was coming and I felt relief then but today, holding the last part of twenty years spent mostly in fear in my hands, caused flashbacks. Something neither Rob or I expected. I could not converse with the bank clerk in any fluent way. Could not eat when we stopped for supper.

I know that the check was an emotional trigger. I had actually given up hope that I would receive anything from that place but life does give us nice surprises. Thinking that anything good would come to me from that past life gave me a real jolt. I still do not quite believe that it is real. So further help is required to get me through some problems. That I understand this is a huge help to me. I keep the faith. Gratitude and peace,D

Mother Dartist~

You can't win an argument with a ghost, so don't bother. Trying to set the record straight about who your NDH (now dead husband) was will fall on deaf ears and you'll be accused of trying to besmirch his sterling reputation (I have to contend with this one with my NDX).

I agree with Vegas that they little kiddies know very well who Daddy was...but it serves their twisted psychology (DON'T STAY FOR THE CHILDREN, FOLKS!!!) to have you the undeserving ***** and him "Saint Daddy". When he killed himself, he was making his final grand statement. Final. Grand. Statement. Thing is... he can't make another one. He only got one and he made it. He wanted the last word. Hahahahahahaha He gets NO MORE WORDS.

I think the only thing you can do is live better, refuse to be abused, pray the children get healthier themselves, and, when appropriate, point out to them the things you've learned. I think Vegas has a good way to deal with the grandchildren too. Although it may not work as well as you'd like. My mother only has one grandchild now...her other two were children of the son who won't speak to her.

Those of us who decided to go into the future with my mother, we're all so much happier now. We loved our daddy, don't get me wrong, but we aren't sorry that he won't be screaming at us anymore either. We're all getting healthier together.

Daddy is still dead and he gets no more words. We get the words.

I don't know if that rambling helped at all but I hope so. I have great affection for your case, D, as it is so very close to my own.

Princess NiceFamilyDinnerPartyWithNoYelling

Thanks to all of you who have been so thoughtful and understanding. Sometimes all of the past few years gets to me and I feel such sadness. I know that I was not responsible for my husband's suicide. He made a choice that has affected so many people in a negative way. My dear and kind husband has pointed out a fact to me that I have not owned. My ex had threatened violence many times over the years and especially to work colleagues and his bosses. Perhaps in some way I prevented him from taking innocent lives in the process as Rob has told me so many times. Friends have expressed the same thoughts. I have a hard time getting my head around this.

Not one work colleague came to his funeral and I did find out through my realtor that two of her clients worked with my ex and he had stated many times the desire to get even with people that he worked with especially the bosses. Perhaps they saw the potential for him to harm innocent co-workers? I did relate this to my children but it has made no difference.

I do know that my friends in the art community were very leery of coming to visit our home because he had related many episodes to them of running drivers off of the road late at night and laughed about this. I never knew this until last year and always wondered why friends seemed to avoid visiting for cookouts or a place to stay when they were in the area to attend art events. It is eye opening to be told these facts. I assumed that they did not enjoy my company when what they feared my ex and chose to not be around him.

Looking back on my life for all of those years I do wonder how I managed to have the strength to survive this? I know that I have PTSD. Twenty years of such drama does not simply disappear. Now that our life together has reached a point of stability is when I am able to address this fact.

One of the reasons that I have not addressed much of this in group support is that two members are super religious. One woman falls apart at every meeting and gets a huge amount of attention. I did mention the suicide and the fear that I lived with and she immediately turns everything back to her and gets a bit "preachy" with me. I am not there to be preached to for my spiritual beliefs or lack of belief in something she adheres to so I remain respectful and keep in mind that group is not all about me and my drama. Why I will go for individual counseling after the conclusion of the group. Then I can let loose and get to the core of my PTSD.

Now that I have healthcare again I am able to afford meds to address my insomnia and anxiety. I have been lucky to get three or four hours of sleep a night and this is not sufficient. Taking care of myself is taking care of my marriage which is my priority. Also I got a call today from my Chapter 7 attorney telling me that a check is in the post for my share of the sale of my house. Hurray! The final chapter in my old life and one that I welcome! This will be a huge step towards buying a home with my husband if we decide to go that route. I do find myself looking at real estate magazines with optimism again. Something I refused to do until I heard that my house had been sold. Life does move on after all.

I was sitting outside tonight with my sweet kitty Tiamo in my lap thinking about life. How tragedy brings out the best and worst in people. How so many people that we think we know have facades of love and kindness and then something happens and the true person is revealed. That we can never truly know the adults our children grow into being. Why is it so hard for children to accept their parents happiness? A parents right to be happy? Neither me or my husband would ever tell our children that their choices are wrong. It is their right as adults. Why doesn't this work the other way?

All my husband and I ever wanted was acknowledgement that we had the right to make our own decisions. Friends and work colleagues have given this. My husbands lodge members. Members of the EP community. Therapists and family physicians. Family has not and I wonder why? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Peace,D

Maybe it is time for you to tell your children that their choice to treat their mother with disrespect IS wrong. There ARE wrong choices.

Again, I think maybe after seeing the therapist and seeing what they say.

You, my precious sister Dartist, are still in the game.

That puts you in a position where some seemingly minor event at some indeterminate time in the future could have far reaching consequences. And could deliver up to you a very unexpected outcome.

There is of course, no guarantee that said outcome will be the one you might desire, equally, it is not written in the stars that it won't be.

But you are still in the game.

That's a good place to be.

Tread your own path. has a post on Aug 10 about families being torn apart by abusive members. You may find solace and good advice there. Being a victim of a manipulative ******* is NOT gender-specific.

My darling -forgive yourself and trust in the universe that all will be made right again.

Dartist, you said "My ex shot himself in the family home that was under contract to be sold. This happened because of an injury I sustained in 2007...."

OK, you know that statement is not true, right? You're not blaming yourself for his suicide, are you? He chose how HE would react to financial difficulty and to separation/divorce. Lots of people go through bankruptcy and/or divorce without going postal.

Talk with your counselor about this, please.

Be gentle with yourself.

D~Having been estranged from my mother (we are not now) - the only advice I can give you is to give it time and space. I know that is so very hard when your heart is breaking. Healing takes time and space. I think you should keep reaching out to them - every so often - letting them know that you miss them and love them. Then you need to let it go at that.

You can't control what they do - only how you deal with your own pain. Don't let it make you brittle. Nobody should have to sit with this kind of pain - but you are a strong woman and I know you will make it to the other side. Continue to fill your life up with love...and as hippy as it sounds...peace.

I for one think you should let go in group therapy. Having been in group therapy - I learned the most by those who had suffered so greatly. They tend to have perspectives that help. It's not disrespectful IMO. Also - when you talk about it in RL to other people - it makes it easier to deal with sometimes. Sharing a burden is sometimes very freeing.

Peace to you girlfriend...and NCIGFH.


I am very sorry and cannot imagine anything worse. I don't see how you can close the door on your children. Have pity on them that they grew up to love someone who told them such lies, obviously they do not have the knowledge of the truth.

It is perhaps through your personal counsellor that you can learn some new techniques in how to approach your children so that they can truly understand what happened. Only by exposing the lies to the light of day, I think. But you have not told us the whole story of what happened, so i do not know how to advise you.

By "not the whole story", what I mean is, what is it your children believe of the situation?

I don't think you have to tell us, but maybe even someone in the support group could help, and certainly your personal counsellor.

Wishing you peace, ***hugs****

On the day that my ex shot himself I was fortunate to have the son of my good friend at my house to help me move heavy objects into my storage unit. I went upstairs to tell my husband that he had arrived and found my ex dead in his room. We had separate bedrooms at his request for years and lived together as a convenience until the house sold.

I called my children at work and then the police arrived followed by my son and daughter and spouses. My son and daughter actually shoved me when I walked up to them crying. I went back and sat on the porch while the police did their investigation. The troopers that kept me company as I was shaking and in shock were appalled at my children's treatment of me. The chief of detectives told me to find a place to stay as he felt that it was unsafe for me to remain in the house due to what my son and daughter and SIL were saying. My SIL is a bully. When I told the detective that I was moving out due to the house being sold he encouraged me to leave as soon as I could. One trooper said to another that he had never witnessed such hatred from children in his career. My DIL came down and hugged me and told me to not pay attention to anything being said. My friend's son also came down and told me that he was going to hit my son and SIL and had to walk away.

One conclusion that I have come to believe is that my son and daughter saw me abused for years at the hand of their stepfather. As a result they lost all respect for me. If I did not value myself why would they value me? I did what I could for them and was always available to talk them through life's problems. My husband has experienced the same treatment from his son and daughter.

Good friends told me that my children would resent me moving on and having a happy life. I found that hard to believe. If you love a person you want them to be happy. What both me and my husband have experienced from our children says nothing about us. It is about who they are as adults. There is not enough peace of mind and happiness in their own lives to spill over into our joined life together. Until any of them reach that point we will be estranged. If the situation continues we will be so far removed that there will be no reconciliation because we have learned a huge life lesson here. Do we really want people like this in our lives? No we do not. Boundaries and respect. This is our choice. Peace,D

I am very sorry. I still believe the counsellor and your support group might help you more than we can here. It is a tragedy for sure.

If you were in the same position again but also with the benefit of hindsight would it change your decision? I would hope not because it would be wrong.

Because of what your evil ex-husband managed to achieve you are alienated from your children and grand-children and your children would be quite satisfied to see it destroy you. If you have done all you can towards reconciliation then there is truly no more you can do.

Try to persuade yourself that this is not your loss but theirs and that you have so much passion, energy and emotion to give to those that appreciate it. It sounds to me that this wonderful man you met, your second husband, is that person and that you need one another in that respect in order to heal. Don't waste it where it is not appreciated, it's like letting precious water flow straight down the faucet without being used.

Another way to perhaps to look at it is that relationships of any kind are only of value unless they have true meaning. Even if your children were to agree to a truce with you, the probability would be that it would be grudgingly given and would not be satisfying in any way.

Who knows, time might change things of their own accord as far as your grand-children are concerned. They might want to make up their own minds, you just can't predict that.

I would not change my decision as it was clear for me. My DIL came over to the house after the funeral and asked me this very thing. Was I still leaving? I said yes with no hesitation. My future would not be compromised by my ex's actions. For one I gave my word to my beloved future partner that I would be with him and nothing was changing that! Then the house was sold and I had to leave after sorting out the suicide and the rest of what has to ratify the sales agreement. It put me back a few weeks but I left ASAP. Spent all the insurance money to satisfy these requirements plus the funeral which was left in my children's hands. Never one word of thanks for doing the expected thing.

When I arrived in England and saw Rob, I collapsed and was ill for over two months. Totally empty and discouraged. In time I slowly recovered but was treated by his son in a very hurtful way. Also other family members and Rob too. Why we decided to move to America. What one learns about people could feel more than one book.

We no longer make predictions for we feel that is a senseless waste of energy. We hold close and keep in contact with those who show us that our decisions have value. The rest can go to their own personal hell on earth.

We life everyday as best friends. We laugh and enjoy our joined life and have much planned for our future. And we love! Oh how we love! People comment here as to how much we are joined as a couple. They wistfully ask how this happened for us? Our response is to have self respect and self belief. The rest will follow in time. Peace,D

So sorry to hear this! It is a very sad situation. Do know that your not the cause if his killing himself. This you do not own!

Something I would like for you to entertain. My wife spent some years in and out of the mental health hospital and she never wanted to talk about her problems because she felt that she did not have problems that needed to be heard because of everyone else's problems were greater. ( so she felt so )

In turn this did nothing more than held up her recovery for years.

When you turn to this type of help of that you are, witch I applaud you for! please tell your story. This is what helps you get the anger you hold put to words.

Your children will some day surface the reality. You can not change that. Just love them and give them the time to move through life a little and they will have to rely on some mental health support sometime in there life and you will be there and in a better place to take on the change that will come at that time.

When your children do surface you will Shift this and it will be the right thing.

You are not alone and you will be in a better place in time.

I experienced something like this ( without the suicide however ). My children surfaced after reaching out for help and we do ok these days.

You can do this. Keep your faith.