The Ultimate Fu!

Thanks to all of you for continued support and very thoughtful and helpful comments. Until and unless my children can contact me with a degree of love and RESPECT, (Huge word in my vocabulary now) I am remaining quiet as I wrote to them both over the past few months and have been met with silence.



I will only surround myself with people who accept my life now and my right to live in peace and love. Six weeks of grief counseling helped me a lot and I will sign up for individual sessions this week to deal with the PTSD.



Today I received a payout on my sold house and started shaking as I endorsed the check for deposit. My attorney called last week to tell me that this was coming and I felt relief then but today, holding the last part of twenty years spent mostly in fear in my hands, caused flashbacks. Something neither Rob or I expected. I could not converse with the bank clerk in any fluent way. Could not eat when we stopped for supper.



I know that the check was an emotional trigger. I had actually given up hope that I would receive anything from that place but life does give us nice surprises. Thinking that anything good would come to me from that past life gave me a real jolt. I still do not quite believe that it is real. So further help is required to get me through some problems. That I understand this is a huge help to me. I keep the faith. Gratitude and peace,D

Just to add to Princess's walked-the-walk truth:



He doesn't get the last word. He only gets it for now.



I lost my beloved first wife to cancer. And then there was a few years where her idealized image prevailed in my mind and behavior. But as good as she was, and as useful as that was to the healing process, it was unsustainable -as lies always are.



My deceased wife was a mess. Very often, she committed the bad marital sin of expecting me to choke down a lot of bullshit just to keep the peace. In her final days, it got even worse. If she'd had an 11th hour cure, we would have almost certainly gotten divorced up the road.



And your ex-husband's current Mount Rushmore greatness status will likewise be revised when the pain and recrimination lessens. As will your many imaginary crimes.



In the meantime, don't feed the fire. Don't engage on the subject. If they do. Listen, say you respect their feelings, but then shut it down.

Mother Dartist~



You can't win an argument with a ghost, so don't bother. Trying to set the record straight about who your NDH (now dead husband) was will fall on deaf ears and you'll be accused of trying to besmirch his sterling reputation (I have to contend with this one with my NDX).



I agree with Vegas that they little kiddies know very well who Daddy was...but it serves their twisted psychology (DON'T STAY FOR THE CHILDREN, FOLKS!!!) to have you the undeserving ***** and him "Saint Daddy". When he killed himself, he was making his final grand statement. Final. Grand. Statement. Thing is... he can't make another one. He only got one and he made it. He wanted the last word. Hahahahahahaha He gets NO MORE WORDS.



I think the only thing you can do is live better, refuse to be abused, pray the children get healthier themselves, and, when appropriate, point out to them the things you've learned. I think Vegas has a good way to deal with the grandchildren too. Although it may not work as well as you'd like. My mother only has one grandchild now...her other two were children of the son who won't speak to her.



Those of us who decided to go into the future with my mother, we're all so much happier now. We loved our daddy, don't get me wrong, but we aren't sorry that he won't be screaming at us anymore either. We're all getting healthier together.



Daddy is still dead and he gets no more words. We get the words.



I don't know if that rambling helped at all but I hope so. I have great affection for your case, D, as it is so very close to my own.



Princess NiceFamilyDinnerPartyWithNoYelling

Your kids are mad because you blew up their perfect apple cart by having some kind of rational, juicy life. They preferred you sick and beaten (at their beck and call). Daddy's death is just the cover story for a crazier rage about what they feel's been taken from them -you as eternal servant and whipping boy.



They know they're lying; they know he lied. They are protecting a lie. They need the lie. The lie makes them feel safe, that the world is just and ordered. But they were unjust to you, continue to this very day, and that's another huge lie that needs to be swept under the already very lumpy carpet. The lies get all tangled up. It becomes to hard to sort out. So call him a saint, you a *****, and their plate is clean (except it's not).



Therefore, do not ever engage the lie. It will just be shouted down. Express proportionate affection in ways that don't hurt you (send the grandkids some gifts on B-days ect.). Continue to love and heal yourself. No fire burns forever. They will come around.



In our deal, the Bonehead convinced the kid that P was an addict and a *****. The kid knew it wasn't true but was well-pissed off herself (see above). We mostly took the high road, and 3 years later (3 years!!), it's better.



P said, "if she never came around, it was still worth it. I showed my child strength and truth. He didn't. Someone had to. It fell all to me. Everything always did. It had to stop".

Thanks to all of you who have been so thoughtful and understanding. Sometimes all of the past few years gets to me and I feel such sadness. I know that I was not responsible for my husband's suicide. He made a choice that has affected so many people in a negative way. My dear and kind husband has pointed out a fact to me that I have not owned. My ex had threatened violence many times over the years and especially to work colleagues and his bosses. Perhaps in some way I prevented him from taking innocent lives in the process as Rob has told me so many times. Friends have expressed the same thoughts. I have a hard time getting my head around this.



Not one work colleague came to his funeral and I did find out through my realtor that two of her clients worked with my ex and he had stated many times the desire to get even with people that he worked with especially the bosses. Perhaps they saw the potential for him to harm innocent co-workers? I did relate this to my children but it has made no difference.



I do know that my friends in the art community were very leery of coming to visit our home because he had related many episodes to them of running drivers off of the road late at night and laughed about this. I never knew this until last year and always wondered why friends seemed to avoid visiting for cookouts or a place to stay when they were in the area to attend art events. It is eye opening to be told these facts. I assumed that they did not enjoy my company when what they feared my ex and chose to not be around him.



Looking back on my life for all of those years I do wonder how I managed to have the strength to survive this? I know that I have PTSD. Twenty years of such drama does not simply disappear. Now that our life together has reached a point of stability is when I am able to address this fact.



One of the reasons that I have not addressed much of this in group support is that two members are super religious. One woman falls apart at every meeting and gets a huge amount of attention. I did mention the suicide and the fear that I lived with and she immediately turns everything back to her and gets a bit "preachy" with me. I am not there to be preached to for my spiritual beliefs or lack of belief in something she adheres to so I remain respectful and keep in mind that group is not all about me and my drama. Why I will go for individual counseling after the conclusion of the group. Then I can let loose and get to the core of my PTSD.



Now that I have healthcare again I am able to afford meds to address my insomnia and anxiety. I have been lucky to get three or four hours of sleep a night and this is not sufficient. Taking care of myself is taking care of my marriage which is my priority. Also I got a call today from my Chapter 7 attorney telling me that a check is in the post for my share of the sale of my house. Hurray! The final chapter in my old life and one that I welcome! This will be a huge step towards buying a home with my husband if we decide to go that route. I do find myself looking at real estate magazines with optimism again. Something I refused to do until I heard that my house had been sold. Life does move on after all.



I was sitting outside tonight with my sweet kitty Tiamo in my lap thinking about life. How tragedy brings out the best and worst in people. How so many people that we think we know have facades of love and kindness and then something happens and the true person is revealed. That we can never truly know the adults our children grow into being. Why is it so hard for children to accept their parents happiness? A parents right to be happy? Neither me or my husband would ever tell our children that their choices are wrong. It is their right as adults. Why doesn't this work the other way?



All my husband and I ever wanted was acknowledgement that we had the right to make our own decisions. Friends and work colleagues have given this. My husbands lodge members. Members of the EP community. Therapists and family physicians. Family has not and I wonder why? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Peace,D

You, my precious sister Dartist, are still in the game.



That puts you in a position where some seemingly minor event at some indeterminate time in the future could have far reaching consequences. And could deliver up to you a very unexpected outcome.



There is of course, no guarantee that said outcome will be the one you might desire, equally, it is not written in the stars that it won't be.



But you are still in the game.



That's a good place to be.



Tread your own path.

Shrink4Men.com has a post on Aug 10 about families being torn apart by abusive members. You may find solace and good advice there. Being a victim of a manipulative ******* is NOT gender-specific.

My darling -forgive yourself and trust in the universe that all will be made right again.

Dartist, you said "My ex shot himself in the family home that was under contract to be sold. This happened because of an injury I sustained in 2007...."



OK, you know that statement is not true, right? You're not blaming yourself for his suicide, are you? He chose how HE would react to financial difficulty and to separation/divorce. Lots of people go through bankruptcy and/or divorce without going postal.



Talk with your counselor about this, please.



Be gentle with yourself.

D~Having been estranged from my mother (we are not now) - the only advice I can give you is to give it time and space. I know that is so very hard when your heart is breaking. Healing takes time and space. I think you should keep reaching out to them - every so often - letting them know that you miss them and love them. Then you need to let it go at that.



You can't control what they do - only how you deal with your own pain. Don't let it make you brittle. Nobody should have to sit with this kind of pain - but you are a strong woman and I know you will make it to the other side. Continue to fill your life up with love...and as hippy as it sounds...peace.



I for one think you should let go in group therapy. Having been in group therapy - I learned the most by those who had suffered so greatly. They tend to have perspectives that help. It's not disrespectful IMO. Also - when you talk about it in RL to other people - it makes it easier to deal with sometimes. Sharing a burden is sometimes very freeing.



Peace to you girlfriend...and NCIGFH.



LadyA

I am very sorry and cannot imagine anything worse. I don't see how you can close the door on your children. Have pity on them that they grew up to love someone who told them such lies, obviously they do not have the knowledge of the truth.



It is perhaps through your personal counsellor that you can learn some new techniques in how to approach your children so that they can truly understand what happened. Only by exposing the lies to the light of day, I think. But you have not told us the whole story of what happened, so i do not know how to advise you.



By "not the whole story", what I mean is, what is it your children believe of the situation?



I don't think you have to tell us, but maybe even someone in the support group could help, and certainly your personal counsellor.



Wishing you peace, ***hugs****

So sad. Look forward not back. Smile if and when you can.

If you were in the same position again but also with the benefit of hindsight would it change your decision? I would hope not because it would be wrong.



Because of what your evil ex-husband managed to achieve you are alienated from your children and grand-children and your children would be quite satisfied to see it destroy you. If you have done all you can towards reconciliation then there is truly no more you can do.



Try to persuade yourself that this is not your loss but theirs and that you have so much passion, energy and emotion to give to those that appreciate it. It sounds to me that this wonderful man you met, your second husband, is that person and that you need one another in that respect in order to heal. Don't waste it where it is not appreciated, it's like letting precious water flow straight down the faucet without being used.



Another way to perhaps to look at it is that relationships of any kind are only of value unless they have true meaning. Even if your children were to agree to a truce with you, the probability would be that it would be grudgingly given and would not be satisfying in any way.



Who knows, time might change things of their own accord as far as your grand-children are concerned. They might want to make up their own minds, you just can't predict that.

So sorry to hear this! It is a very sad situation. Do know that your not the cause if his killing himself. This you do not own!



Something I would like for you to entertain. My wife spent some years in and out of the mental health hospital and she never wanted to talk about her problems because she felt that she did not have problems that needed to be heard because of everyone else's problems were greater. ( so she felt so )

In turn this did nothing more than held up her recovery for years.



When you turn to this type of help of that you are, witch I applaud you for! please tell your story. This is what helps you get the anger you hold put to words.



Your children will some day surface the reality. You can not change that. Just love them and give them the time to move through life a little and they will have to rely on some mental health support sometime in there life and you will be there and in a better place to take on the change that will come at that time.



When your children do surface you will Shift this and it will be the right thing.



You are not alone and you will be in a better place in time.



I experienced something like this ( without the suicide however ). My children surfaced after reaching out for help and we do ok these days.



You can do this. Keep your faith.