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Expecting Overweight Wife To Change Turned Into A Sexless Marriage

Shame on me, I should have known better. There's a lot of truth to the saying you can't expect to change someone. My frustration stems not from a change I tried to implement, but promises and reassurances my wife gave me. Since we started dating she often mentioned how she wanted to get in shape so I knew she is aware of the problem, but talk is where it stops, any attempt at losing weight fizzles within a couple weeks. I have always told her how much I love her, and given her loving encouragement any time she tries to better herself. I have been with this woman for 9 years, married for 4 and last night for the first time I openly confronted her about my unhappiness and put it out there, that if things do not change I am not sure how much longer I can stay in this marriage.

Intimacy at the beginning of our relationship was not a problem, but that's pretty typical when things are starting out. Everything is new and exciting. At the 3 year point in our dating relationship I struggled with this same issue and almost convinced myself to leave her. In the end I was so madly in love with this woman that I couldn't even think about living a life without her. Well its been 6 years since then and I can say we have a great life together, a nice house, no kids, both luckily and gainfully employed. I essentially have the worlds best roommate. While that's great to have in a marriage, its not enough for me. Call me selfish, but I need passion and physical love and intimacy. The problem now is I am just not attracted to her body as it is. And its not like she "let herself go" its been that way all along. So I'm not oblivious that my attitude changing is one half of this intimacy problem. Over all this time I've been supportive, loving and encouraged her in any weight loss topic she would bring up. I take care of myself so she can have a good looking husband and was hopeful she would try to reciprocate my actions. When that hasn't happened resentment started to build in my heart and passionate thoughts began to go away.

Once the resentment and anger began, Over the course of the first 3 years of our marriage, the intervals went from near daily, to couple times a week, to maybe once a month, to some indefinite time in the future. I know too that she carries resentment that I don't want her more, and I understand, I would feel the same in her shoes. But honestly as much as I want to be physical I just don't often get excited at the thought of being with her anymore. I'm not a Cheater and would end things before even starting them with someone else, but the frustrating part is I'd rather just be with my wife at a healthy weight, I don't want to be with someone else. But I am so depressed, tired, exhausted with the current situation that I don't know what to do anymore. My hopes are that someone here may be able to share their experience and help me get through mine.
WantsMorePassion WantsMorePassion 26-30, M 15 Responses Aug 21, 2012

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I hope you are still married.

I'm going to tell you some things that might just save your marriage, and your wife.

30 days is all it should take to set the path. If after these 30 days you try these things and they do not work...and your life has not improved and your wife has not improved....then you will send me your email address and I will send you a $20 Amazon gift card. I trust you will be honest with me in doing this.

Let's just say I'm paying it forward.

First off, I want to tell you that I respect your candor on this topic. However, I think you have handled it wrong. You married this woman "as is." Divorce hurts children. Marriage problems hurt children. It hurts everyone. I know that's the last thing you want.

Some of the things I suggest you do may take some work and may make you uncomfortable. However, I can assure you that they are quite effective. Keep in mind that you love this woman, and keep in mind that nobody who is of their right mind WANTS to be unhealthy or unattractive to their spouse. Having a weight problem can mean that there is more going on in her mind than eating. It's a symptom.

How do I know this? Because I am the woman you are describing. I am desperate to get healthy and attractive for my husband. I am trying very hard to work on my issues. However, as amazing as he is...my husband has a personality disorder that we have to work through as well. You see, I cannot tell him these things because when I do, it is assured I will never get them (for reference, Google PAPD).

Yeah....I know the mind of a fat wife. I wasn't always like this. I also happen to be a "guy's girl." Love football and ***** clubs? Fishing? Steaks? Heavy metal? Action flicks? I'm your girl. I've grown up around men and I love men. I also love all the intricate details and hypocrisies of being a woman. Because of these things, plus the fact I was told I have a beautiful face....my husband has stuck with me thus far. Still, there are some things lacking. It's a work in progress. Marriage often is.

Once upon a time before my husband, I had a man in my life who encouraged and inspired me to lose over 120 lbs. He was an amazing lover, a confidant, a work out buddy, and bestie. He made me feel that no matter what size I was, I was the most beautiful woman on earth. To this day, he is a wonderful friend. However, he doesn't hold a candle to the man I married :) I'm going to tell you about how he helped me to shed all that weight, and how it made me realize I'm worth more than a number on a scale...and how my husband deserves a happy, sexy and fit wife.

I want you to take these next 30 days and treat your wife as one would treat a spouse who is in the process of recovering from a very bad illness. Essentially, you are.

For the record, you yourself have stated that you are otherwise happy. GOOD.
Let's build off that. As I said...30 days....

1. Laying down the ground work....

• First off, please take some time without the kids to sit down and talk to your wife. Revise your statement earlier. Tell her it's not really about the attraction so much as her health. Lie. Tell her that you said what you said out of anger. Tell her that you do not want to have your children worry about tending for sick parents at an early age. Tell her you truly feel it's not fair to your babies or YOU that her weight can possibly be a cause that you might have to raise your children alone. Being overweight is a matter of HEALTH. And that you kind of resent that. Also, tell her that she's beautiful, and commit yourself to your relationship. Tell her at least three things you love about her. Ask her to help you as you both work on your relationship. It may be a lie...but DAMN effective. End the conversation with an I love you and leave it alone.

• Go into your wife's undie drawer and get her bra and panty sizes. Go online, or go out and get that woman a sexy set of underwear. Plan some time ahead, get rid of the kids and set it on the bed. Tell her to put it on. **Trouble getting it up because of her weight? Pop an ED pill either way. Please don't tell her you did it.** Make her stand in front of you and show you the beautiful mother of your children. Relax and make LOVE to your wife. Tell her how much she means to you and how gorgeous she is. INSIST on peppering her with kisses in the areas of her body that she will not allow you to touch (all fat girls have them). Tell her you don't care. Compliment her skin and her legs...anything. Afterwards, make her lay on that bed with no covers...naked.

• Treat your wife as if she's already thin. Play pretend if you have to, but "fake it until you make it." Tell her you love all of her sexy curves. Pretend to watch her taking a shower. Dance with her in the living room. Act towards her as if she was your thin wife. Text her and tell her she looked beautiful this morning while sleeping. Tell her you love her outfit when she gets dressed to go out. Tell her you love her hair. ANYTHING. EVERY DAY. In doing this, you are helping to build her self esteem. You are removing her staple of turning to food to cope with feeling bad.

2. Time to get her moving....(reference-Pavlov's Dog)

• Take a walk with this woman every day. Clock out the path of a mile on you car's odometer and do not tell her you are doing this. Play a game with your wife. For the time it takes to walk this path each day...rain or shine...you are to act as if you are not a married couple. You are only to act as if this person walking with you is your very best friend to which you can tell anything to. Talk about your wife, your husband, your job....that hot guy/girl you saw at the mall the other day. Take this time to know each other as people outside the confines of a marriage. The only rule is...NO SCOREKEEPING over anything that's said. Remember, this is your "buddy time." **And btw, you might not want to fess up to your plans for her weight loss ;)**

• Wrestle. Play box in the front yard. Take the kids out to play and beg her to play with you...like a kid. Interactive video game nights, sign up for a yoga class, go hiking. Anything that will get her moving.

• Sex...three times a week. Pop that pill if you need to, but do it. No excuses. No beating off.

• Take the stairs, park farthest from the front of the store.

• Ask her if she's lost weight. If she says no...that's fine. Simply say "It really looks like you have. You're looking great!"

• Tell her that her *** looks cute as hell in work out clothes. Tell her she's sexy as **** when she's sweaty.

• For each time she gets active with or without you, compliment something about her. Try to come off as nonchalant as you can.

3. Eating....

• It's important to set the tone as the head of the household with your wife and children. This will allow you to say that as a father, you want to set the tone for a healthy lifestyle for your children. Allow a snack night for the family, and make the rule to only eating healthy otherwise. Making this decision is a happy thing! Do it with enthusiasm and a smile! Positive encouragement and rewards to the kids for making healthy choices!

• DO NOT punish your wife for eating poorly. Simply tell her you worry about her health when she does. It has NOTHING to do with the size of her ***. Give her a hug and ask if she's stressed and needs to talk. You daily walks/talks should help keep this door open.

• Distract her from food with fun activities. As with drunks and toddlers, positive distraction works every time. i.e. pick a play fight with her, take that bag of chips out of her hand, say "c'mere sexy" and tickle her. Give her a hug! A kiss! Anything to distract her. Trust me when I tell you it establishes a subconscious habit. Neural-pathways in the brain become rearranged for the new behavior and weakens the pathways to the old behavior the more it is performed (I know my stuff-I'm a very smart girl).

• Watch closely for her trigger points. See what makes her eat. What are her stress buttons that make her rely on food. After some time, ask her about it...for example "Have you noticed that when you get off the phone with your mom, you tend to grab the cookies?" Hmmm...wow, I never noticed it before. Wanna talk about it, beautiful?

4. Getting her (and you) the help you both deserve and need....

It never hurts to seek therapy. It can even benefit healthy relationships. Seek out somebody to talk to....to "improve your communication skills." Encourage your wife to go as well on her own. Perhaps you might want to go alone as well. It would help to get these frustrations out into the open, and a therapist/counselor can help you find ways to process your feelings.

I pray to God you guys work through this. Everyone deserves to be happy. Your children deserve to be shown what a healthy relationship looks like and they (and you guys) deserve to know that they are special...just the way they are :)

Let me know how it works out.

To add to this....talking about children as if you were to have them and assuming it is a desire for the both of you.

This is why I would never, ever be with a person who hinted that they wanted me to 'change' in order for them to be happy with me. That type of situation rarely ends well and we all really deserve someone who can love us for who we are, not who we can be molded into.

hmmm...tricky this one. I also don't think this is so much about her weight. I struggle now to find my husband attractive and it has nothing to do with the physical stuff. Too much pain, hurt, humiliation at his rejections...that stuff eats up at you. Very hard to get turned on when he tries in his fumbly ways to do anything. I think that is just something that happens to all of us the longer we go without sex and intimacy in our marriages. <br />
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RE the weight - I lost well over 100lbs in the last couple of years and I would say that no amount of asking will make any difference, she needs to do it for herself. I gained so much weight from my unhappiness at my sexless marriage and I wasn't a tiny thing to begin with. It took my wanting to change, my getting therapy and realising that the sexless issue was 'his' issue, not mine. And stuffing my face wasn't going to change that. <br />
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Your wife has her own issues going on if she's put on weight. Be supportive if you love her but I truly believe nothing you say or do, including leaving, will make any difference. That kind of weight will not shift until she is ready to do it.

Funny, my wife put on a lot of weight, and that's *somewhat* part of why she doesn't like to have sex with me. But I still think she's hot. <br />
I fell in love with the person, so whatever my wife looks like, I'm still hot for her.<br />
*shrug* Having lost 120 pounds, and then putting ten back on...massive weight loss is hard as h3ll. Really. You have to eat less than you are hungry for...daily. With as few mishaps as possible. For over a year.<br />
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I once had all these criterion; it took getting on antidepressants to assert any modicum of control : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binge_eating_disorder<br />
Yep, that's right, I get stoned from inhaling a ton of food, and I still have to fight it day to day.

Sigh....this really bothers me. The woman has been overweight all along. The man fell in love with her, found her desirable, even though she was overweight. He knew what she looked like! And NOW it bothers him?! C'mon! It's not like she pulled a fast one on him & starved herself, so she could "catch" him. She is the same! HE has the problem. Some people just aren't active. Lots of thin people are couch potatoes. True, most people that lose weight do have more energy. <br />
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I was a normal, healthy weight when I got married. After YEARS of no intimacy, I found comfort in food. I am sure my H wasn't attracted to me. And that was fine with me, because he wasn't attracted to me when I was young & fit! He paid no attention! I tried to get him to do physical activities with me. I had to go for bike rides alone. I went rollerblading alone. He was never interested in activity, even though he is a normal weight. If the activity doesnt involve an engine( cars & boats) he's not interested. <br />
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I have since lost most of my excess weight. And soon he will be gone too!

I don't try and deny that the mental changes are with me, but I can't help feeling somewhat betrayed by unfulfilled promises either. But look at what you said. I'm faced with a similar decision, do I pack on the pounds and lower my level of activity and put myself at serious health risks (heart disease has claimed the lives of 3 male family members/relatives), no I'm not going to do that I'd like to live past 50. And in your own words you talk about coming full circle, losing most of your excess weight and soon your H... so what exactly is your message?

To begin with a lot of this is your fault as you knew the situation before you married. Its not like she gradually balloned throughout your marriage. Its just like buying a house next to a train station than complaining about the noise.<br />
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However i am sympathetic to your predicament. 300lbs you say and wont do anything about it. That would be a desire killer for most people. The question that needs to be anseered here is it a deal breaker for you?<br />
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If so start preparing an exit plan.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

From my reading, you have lost hope and respect for your wife. While you are in love with some aspects of your wife, your desires are changing with time. While hope was enough before, it won't be enough for the future. Resentment will continue to build, because there is very little you can do to change someone else.<br />
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Encouragement is one thing, but falling out of love because someone can't change themselves gives the appearance of being a bit shallow. Physical attraction is a strange thing, so most of us would at least understand how your desires could change.<br />
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You don't have kids, and both of you earn money. Now is the time to decide what you really want in life. If your wife can't be that kind of person that you'd find attractive, then now is the time to move on. Your wife deserves someone who will love her for who she is, just as much as you deserve someone who is a good match for you.

Thanks for the comment. Yes most of my hope has been lost that she'd be able to join me in more active things. I don't like that when I imagine our future together I see myself being active and her unable to participate. I accept the shallow comment and its fitting given the circumstances. I don't want to be that guy, I never thought I'd be that guy, I always thought loving her would be enough and with love would come desire, but apparently it doesn't always work that way.

Why can't she be more active? Does she not want to? I only say that because being larger doesn't mean you necessarily can't be active. When I was much larger I could still walk for miles and go swimming or hiking etc. Does she not do it because she can't or because she doesn't want to? Maybe you could start by inviting her to do less strenuous stuff like walking in the park?
I do understand your resentment, I kinda feel that way about all the sexual promises i've had from husband, about how he'd sort his problems out, it would all be fine, yada yada yada, nothing ever happens. And like you I knew going in what the situation was. Am not judging you btw, but I think you need to be honest with her about how you're feeling. You have an image of what you want your future life to be like. She may have that same vision but doesn't know how to make it happen (it can be very overwhelming when you have a lot of weight to lose, it seems such a huge task...no pun intended) or she may have a completely different vision. If that's the case you'll have your answer. Be grateful you have no kids - and go find the life and love you want.

How much weight are you talking about, WantsMorePassion 26-30?

I don't know, I've never asked her to give me a number, thats her business. All I'm wanting is for her to be at a healthy weight where being active is no longer an issue.

C'mon. You can do better than THAT. I sense waffling...anyone else?

She won't tell me the number and I've never pressed the situation, if its an estimate you're after I'd say ballpark 300lbs.

That's a lot of weight. Someone in here suggested lap band. I'm surprised her doctor hasn't brought it up. It could change (and save) her life.

1 More Response

Ok. You're treading in cautious territory here and most of the responses below are from women. I am no petite, slender woman but I am comfortable being active and engaged in the world around me. Where I live summers can be unbearable but any other time of the year I walk 5-8 miles a couple of mornings a week and love to swim and bike. <br />
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If you make my curves into an issue they will cease to be an issue for you because you will never see them again except through my clothes. It's no different than if I made a big deal about your penis size not satisfying me. You'd never share it with me again, would you? Well, that's how size is to women. <br />
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If you want her to be more active, use positives like LovelyAlone suggested. If you want to be attracted to her physically then ask yourself what is a turn off. Are you turned off by fat? or are you turned off by the attitude she is portraying by not being active in life and engaged in the world and you think the fat is a glaring symptom of the disengagement and lack of activity? There's a huge difference. I'm a size 16 and curvy with hips and junk in the trunk and muscles to boot. And I promise you, I am sexy in bed. Because I am engaged and loving and active... the things she may not be in life or in bed. Unless you are one of those men who cannot stand any woman with real curves, you would enjoy sex with me I am pretty sure. That has nothing to do with a few extra dress sizes and everything to do with how much I enjoy life, how much I enjoy sex and how much I want you to enjoy it with me. <br />
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So maybe a lot of these guys are right and this isn't so much about weight as it is about intimacy and connection. Some people use a lot of weight to put up barriers between themselves and significant others. Could be like your wife. You don't talk much about her personality or personal situation here. But it's something to consider.<br />
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Best of luck to you though.

How much weight are we talking about here??

You're not seriously asking me to list my weight on here, right? lol. Listing my dress size was a stretch for me. :-)

LOL
No.
I'm wondering how much weight HE is complaining about.
God love ya'!

Sorry - I'm new here.
I'll catch on to the posting applications - eventually!

Great comment Hell!

No worries F4W. I was just checking. :) Thanks mvc. I think the nickname I have been given by WP and a few others is "Furious". I'll PM you to explain why.

@hell, You were spot on with the problems with intimacy and connection. Curves are not an issue for me, I enjoy them. What I'm missing is that connection I had with my wife when we first were married, bring that back and I probably wouldn't even be seeing the weight as a real issue. I will try and continue to be positive, my only concern is it hasn't worked in the past, and got to the point where its at now where I'm sharing my story in hopes of figuring out how to fix my marriage.

4 More Responses

She is probably not ever going to be at your level of athletic ability/interest, etc. You did know that when you married her but it seems that you thought she was somehow going to change into a slim, strong, athletic woman.<br />
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Not going to happen in all probability.<br />
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I would venture a guess here that you have been athletic all your life. And I would venture a guess here that she has NOT been athletic all her life and finds cultivating the habit of daily exercise to be much more of a challenge than you do and not worth the time and effort. Whereas you find exercise to be fun and well worth the time and effort.<br />
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Now, with that said, people can raise their levels of athletic ability, but it is more difficult for them to do so if they have not cultivated the habit of being and thinking athletically. And one must have an interest in it, one must want to make it a daily habit, and one must do it for their OWN health and well being. <br />
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Regardless of relationship status.<br />
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You can encourage her to engage in athletic activities, but in the end, it is HER that must do the work and maintain the interest. I do agree that being physically active together can strengthen a relationship immeasurably.<br />
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This certainly is an area that can drive a stake into the heart of marriage if not properly handled - the athletic who marries the couch potato does not, at times - and over the long term, bode well. <br />
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This might be a dealbreaker for you. You have lost sexual interest in her. She is NOT going to turn into your physcial dream woman no matter how hard you love her. She never was from the start!<br />
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You want to scale that mountain and she is content to stay at ba<x>se camp, or at home - what happens then?<br />
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You BOTH feel neglected.

There is a lot of truth in your words. I didn't ever expect her to become the athletic woman you described, but I did expect her to get to a point where doing physical activities would be less of an issue. My frustrations developed because she expressed her OWN interest in getting fit, but never continued to follow through. I want her to care about herself because I care about her. And in some weird reversal of logic my brain sees her lack of interest in taking better care of herself translating into "I love you husband, but not enough to make a change to be healthy enough so we can share more adventures together". Hell I'd be thrilled if she even wanted to come to "base camp" while I hiked. (note it also doesn't help that when I Hike I often see happy couples together). Maybe we just have interests that are too different I don't know. I look at marriage as a shared life adventure, and its hurtful to me when my spouse has little to no interest in sharing my interests. You are very right in that we are BOTH feeling neglected and as unhappy as I am, the worst thing about all this whole situation is I know that I've really hurt her.

I am getting from your further comment that this is LESS to do about size and MORE to do about activity level and the unwillingness to join you and notch up her level of activity in a general sense as HellHathNoFury so well detailed in her comment above.

I'm not 100% convinced this is really about her weight---I think you might be sublimating your frustration about not having sex into frustration with her appearance. The reality is that over time it gets increasingly difficult to desire a refuser. Humans tend to desire those who desire us, and be turned off by rejection.

He's refusing her, nyartgal. Because of her weight, he says, but I think it's more complicated than that.

Your both still young. If you made a mistake in your selection of a wife then change it. I made a similiar mistake but had kids. So I stayed married to raise them and to provide for the family. Now that the kids are nearly gone, I dont know what I will do. I feel obligated to provide for her, at least to pay the house off. <br />
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I am overweight and did not do anything about untill my doctor told me that this was the year that I was getting a lapband. It's no magic bullet, I have taken a hundred pound off and have another hunderd to go.<br />
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Wieght loss is extremely difficult to do. Most insurance companies will pay for a lapband or similiar procedure becuase it is cheaper than one heart attach. If the insurance company will not pay, then pay for it yourself. It costs about $10,000. (a used car). <br />
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The weiht loss in itself will not turn on her sex drive so dont set any expectation there.

To clarify, its not her sex drive that has issues, its mine in relation to her physical appearance. I feel ashamed that I am unable to reciprocate when she is interested in being physical. I realize how shallow all of this can sound, but when the time comes to get physical, I need more than just our love. I don't know how our relationship got to this point.

Well, it seems to me that your judgment of her is causing problems. You were fine, in the past, with having sex with her, as long as she had the intention of losing weight. So it's not like her body was repulsive to you. So you were OK having sex with her, as long as she felt bad about being overweight.<br />
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But what if she doesn't feel so bad about being overweight? What if, over time, she's come to accept her body as it is? What if she's made attempts at weight loss, but realized it was too difficult or just not important to her?<br />
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Will you only have a good opinion of her if she dislikes being overweight? What sort of person, in your mind, is overweight?<br />
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What do you think are her reasons for managing her body the way she does? Are there any other indications that she is unhealthy-- blood tests, disease, injury? (Overweight, on its own, is not a clear indication of health problems.)<br />
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If she is unhealthy, does that make her less of a good person? What if she's pretty healthy, but just overweight? Does her appearance repel you so much that you would turn down great sex if she offered?<br />
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You need to decide on your priorities, to figure out your course of action.

I agree, this isn't all on her and I'm aware of that. Perhaps I'm fixated on the weight and there is more going on. I don't know why she doesn't take more interest in her own fitness, maybe because I've been so supportive all along she realized I love her regardless and then thought weight was a non issue. I still love her very much and I'm willing to fight for my marriage and told her as much, I don't want to leave, I just have been miserable for so long that I need help finding a way to get back on track. And since you asked I don't have some idealistic view of what a woman should look like/weigh, media outlets portray beyond unrealistic expectations. To me being overweight isn't some magic number height/weight ratio, but if your weight prevents you from doing something, then I see that as a problem.

Well, DO you love her regardless? Do you love her and want to have a sexual marriage with her, regardless of her weight?

What does her weight prevent her from doing? And if she is unable to do something, is that a deal-breaker for you? Do her limitations prevent her from being a good wife to you?

Yes I do love her regardless, I would love to have a sexual marriage again. I don't think there is a more loving or caring partner than her anywhere, these are all reasons I fell in love in the first place. Whats happened is despite all this love, the prospect of being intimate with her just doesn't excite me anymore and I want to find a way to fix it. I'm open to changing anything on my end as well and indicated that to her. I want to stay married I just don't want a sexless marriage. As for examples of what the weight is limiting, going for a short 2-3 mile walk and talk about our days for example. I'd love to do that with her, but when we go we make it about .5 miles and have to head back because she is sweaty out of breath and tired. I'm an active person, I enjoy hiking among other outdoor activities and would love to be able to share more than just the pictures with her. The essence of my issues are, I look at life as an adventure and want a partner who can share in most aspects of that. I get that we all have our own interests, but most of the time what I would love to do with her she is physically incapable of doing.

Okay, so now we have more specifics. You want to go on long walks with her, and she is unable to walk as far as you want to go. You also want to do other outdoor activities, but feel she is incapable of those.

You have said she is a very loving and caring partner, and that you love her very much. But your feelings of love are not translating into sexual desire for her.

Is she interested in becoming more able to take long walks with you? She can do that without losing weight. She can develop a gradual walking program with you, if she wants that. Just start by walking .25 mile out, then walking .25 mile back. If she walks that distance and it's comfortable, and you don't make her feel bad by disapproving, she'll be more likely to do it with you again the next day. So then walk another .25 mile, or maybe she'll want to increase to .35 mile. The point is to increase gradually, in tiny increments, according to her comfort. And the whole time, make pleasant conversation and smile. This is something you can share with your wife, and she doesn't even have to lose weight.

There is a big difference between saying, "I would love to take walks with you and go kayaking," and saying, "I find you unattractive. You need to lose weight."

One will create resentment in your marriage; the other will communicate love and get you laid.

P.S. I am a really fat lady. My husband thinks I'm pretty and sexy. We just took a vacation and walked for many miles, rode amusement park rides, went canoeing down a wild river, went swimming in a natural spring, and had sizzling-hot hotel sex. I'm not in particularly good health, but I did my best, and we have an album full of photos to show for it. I guarantee, I would have done NONE of these things if my husband had resented me for being fat and told me I was unattractive.

Thank you for the good advice. Per one of your other posts in a different topic I am also going to take a long introspective look and see what I as the Refuser in my marriage can change about myself.

I think you are missing a key point: if his descriptions are to be taken at face value, his wife is not committed enough to her own needs, let alone the needs of the relationship or the interests of her lover, to continue such positive actions. If I were to guess the best way forward I'd say she needs professional help, and he needs to decide what he wants out of renegotiated marital terms. Because the terms are changing whether he represents himself at the negotiations assertively and fairly or not.

Men can be thick headed, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out when you are shortchanged in a transaction persistently. The idea of give and take is reciprocity, and even if the shortshrift is slow, if it is a persistent trend reciprocity will tend to make people pull back in other ways to compensate emotionally.

The husband seems to be mostly honest about his feelings, which are perfectly valid to have given the promises she either expressed or strongly implied in exchange for his attention earlier in the relationship. He may not have been assertive enough, for fear of wrecking the relationship or just rocking the boat. But if it was a clearly stated expectation on his part entering the relationship, he has a good reason to expect some follow-through. Because if she can't tell him the truth about what her own behavior is going to be on this matter, he has no reason to trust her in any other aspect of her comminication.

Look at it another way: a woman who has a morbid habit is in a relationship with a guy who wants her to reverse the morbid trend. Never mind the romantic elements, that is just dysfunctional. The fact that lots of other people are dysfunctional too has no bearing on how much each person is or is not investing into the relationship. He obviously feels cheated in the exchange - and if she made such a promise she really is cheating him.

Perhaps she though she could wait him out. Or she hoped that she would want to engage his physical interests, but does not really like the activity enough to push her own envelope. Or maybe she is a food addict and just won't deal with it. Either way it is unassertive and deceptive. We don't call it infidelity but there is nothing faithful at all in baiting and switching.

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Here's what i get from this story:<br />
<br />
I met this great man I fell in love with, but he just didn't have quite enough money. I knew this was an issue for me from the start, but I stayed with him for years anyways, even marrying him, because I was so crazy in love with him. He always promised he'd be rolling in the dough one day!<br />
<br />
Over the years I've gently tried to encourage him to make more money, although all his efforts fizzled after a couple weeks attempt. I almost left him because he didn't have enough money, but I talked myself out of it.<br />
<br />
I've lost my urge to be intimate with my dream man because he just doesn't bring home enough dough to satisfy my fantasy. <br />
<br />
I'll never cheat but I think I'll dump his sorry *** now, because I just can't see myself sleeping with someone who just doesn't fit my ideal. Too bad I didn't realize my own boundaries years ago, before I married him and destroyed his self esteem by constantly mentioning how yucky his income was.

PS: If I've misread this entire situation, my apologies. I'll be back to correct it. This is my initial response in the midst of studying procrastination)

Close, but you missed the point where I never brought up the issue at hand until now. All I've done over these 9 years is basically say "yeah thats a great idea, I'm proud of you for looking into that" when she brought up trying to better herself. I knew she had self esteem issues and wasn't about to worsen them by regularily bringing up the issue. After 9 years I got fed up of holding in these frustrations and decided rather than leaving I'd actually talk about it with her and try and save our marriage.

your still a young man and its sad to hear while you have everything in your life except kids and a love life, as an older woman who has had weight problems in the past can totally understand were you wife is coming from. When you are over weight you do lose all confidence in yourself and who you are , her weight problem didnt worry you when you met and fell in love maybe over the years she has gave up on herself after trying to lose the weight it does start to consume your whole world, every day thinking I will do it from today, to wake up every morning feeling the same way, sometimes its easier to ignore it but that doesnt solve the problem. I could suggest trying all sort of things to walks together or romancing her again, but it really comes down to her and when she has had enough of being over weight. Just remember its her you fell in love with not her body size.. maybe if you told her that, who knows.

I do still love her, I would do anything for her. I tell her these things. To try and spice up the romance I initiated "date nights" once a week where I take her out some place romantic. It hasn't helped, but I keep trying and am open to any suggestions to bring the romance back.

WMP, how has "date night" not helped? Are you hoping that a date will help you feel more attracted?

Are you experiencing general problems with sexual desire, or difficulty getting/keeping an erection?

Yes I was hopeful that date night would help rekindle some of that spark that attracted me to her in the first place. While we've seen some good movies and watched some nice sunsets together, these are nice but all sedentary actions. I'm wanting to actually DO something with my wife. I wish it was as simple as ED, a pill or visit to the doctor can fix that.

WantsMorePassion, proposing those short walks and then lengthening them gradually, as I suggested, may be a good activity, then. However, I want to remind you: great sex would also be a very physical activity!!

At over 300lbs, she needs therapy. There is something wrong there. If what I suggested above doesn't work for you, then I suggest spending a couple of nights in a hotel with a letter stating you won't come home until she agrees to get help.

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