The Small Of Her Back............Not really a sexual place to touch. No, maybe not even terribly intimate. Yet, When my hand found that little indent just above her waist, in the center of her back as my other arm encircled her shoulders, as her arms wrapped around my shoulders. There was a moment - both electric and peaceful. A second where it really mattered not what else was in the world. Political bickering, mayhem, the stress of the job......nothing these can do to come between us.
She is beautiful beyond measure in my eyes. Her heart is open and she will discuss anything, feelings I have, wonder I have seen, the role of women and men in a relationship, even things we might disagree about. And there is no malice, no waiting for the other shoe to fall -or get thrown .......there is understanding. And there, as my hand spanned the small of her back I felt allowed to express a physical ex
It comes to this for the denied. You are married yet so distant, not bound willing - but tied by legality and tradition, vows, finance, fear, and memories. Touch so simple is so often not felt, it is intoxicating to suddenly find your hand touching a spot on someone else, that is not the rather hollow in comparison, touch of the greeting of an acquaintance. We talked - she allows me to vent a little sometimes....I saw a tear and heard a sniffle from her as something I said touched a frayed nerve still tender from the divorce. I apologized for bringing that on. She noted that she was OK....and we moved on to a different subject.
I had finished fixing the leak....I was leaving. As always she was showing her gratitude for my time and effort - by hugging me goodbye. As we parted we said I love you.... and I believe we both mean it, as we have said it often over the years. The hug has happened before - and I love them. They sustain....they deny the feelings of inadequacy, of rejection, they provide a moment to support the idea that I deserve to be loved in return.
I am not married to or dating her....I can not ask for more, and be at peace with myself. If there were more, than I would owe her more in providing from me safety, assurance and support. I cannot from this position of being married to someone else, offer all of those without taking them from someone else. But I dearly enjoy the moment my finger tips slid across the small of her back.
It is the missing of this, and the thousand other little touches that drove me to type "sexless marriage" into a search engine. It is that touch that convinces me I was right - this is not "normal".
How this will finally play out is likely already decided. When - is a different story - I don't want to repeat all that here. But I very much would like to repeat touching someone that at least appreciates that I did something for her.