The Small Of Her Back

............Not really a sexual place to touch. No, maybe not even terribly intimate. Yet, When my hand found that little indent just above her waist, in the center of her back as my other arm encircled her shoulders, as her arms wrapped around my shoulders. There was a moment - both electric and peaceful. A second where it really mattered not what else was in the world. Political bickering, mayhem, the stress of the job......nothing these can do to come between us.

She is beautiful beyond measure in my eyes. Her heart is open and she will discuss anything, feelings I have, wonder I have seen, the role of women and men in a relationship, even things we might disagree about. And there is no malice, no waiting for the other shoe to fall -or get thrown .......there is understanding. And there, as my hand spanned the small of her back I felt allowed to express a physical expression of my love, of that I find loveable about her. She did not allow me too close....our bodies maintained a civil distance. But yet...I cherish that tiny little moment as my hand held her body.

It comes to this for the denied. You are married yet so distant, not bound willing - but tied by legality and tradition, vows, finance, fear, and memories. Touch so simple is so often not felt, it is intoxicating to suddenly find your hand touching a spot on someone else, that is not the rather hollow in comparison, touch of the greeting of an acquaintance. We talked - she allows me to vent a little sometimes....I saw a tear and heard a sniffle from her as something I said touched a frayed nerve still tender from the divorce. I apologized for bringing that on. She noted that she was OK....and we moved on to a different subject.

I had finished fixing the leak....I was leaving. As always she was showing her gratitude for my time and effort - by hugging me goodbye. As we parted we said I love you.... and I believe we both mean it, as we have said it often over the years. The hug has happened before - and I love them. They sustain....they deny the feelings of inadequacy, of rejection, they provide a moment to support the idea that I deserve to be loved in return.

I am not married to or dating her....I can not ask for more, and be at peace with myself. If there were more, than I would owe her more in providing from me safety, assurance and support. I cannot from this position of being married to someone else, offer all of those without taking them from someone else. But I dearly enjoy the moment my finger tips slid across the small of her back.

It is the missing of this, and the thousand other little touches that drove me to type "sexless marriage" into a search engine. It is that touch that convinces me I was right - this is not "normal".

How this will finally play out is likely already decided. When - is a different story - I don't want to repeat all that here. But I very much would like to repeat touching someone that at least appreciates that I did something for her.
Wolfy1 Wolfy1
46-50, M
8 Responses Aug 21, 2012

The first hug I had from a man other than my husband that I knew was "interested" in me, felt very much like that. I'm now almost hyper-aware of touch, having been denied it for so long. <br />
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I have to disagree...the small of the back *is* a very intimate spot. Where a man places his hand when he's walking through a room with you to show a sort of ownership. Where a man's hand naturally falls in an embrace like you describe. It's a place rarely touched by anyone that is not a lover.

when we were young, my XH used to say it was his very favorite spot on my body to stroke, touch or kiss. He's the only one who ever has focused on that spot, even though we ultimately had a SM.

I've always thought it a very intimate, even erotic, spot. Sad that your x recognized it as such, yet ultimately abandoned *every* such place...

My story is deceptively written - the woman I placed my hand on is someone I love very dearly but have only a close friendship with.

My wife on the other hand...(not yet x...this still requires time) is the one that will not miss that touch, but likely will miss the handy....

.....and yes I like that particular spot....and it felt as though I arrived there naturally - not like I stole a touch, but more like I was allowed....that was particularly of notice as allowance ,even of intimate touch that is not necessarily sexual, is denied by my wife.

I understood that...I don't think it was deceptive, just coming from a different angle.

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OMG I so agree.

Wow, a true soulmate.<br />
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Have you tried looking deeply into her eyes and asking her gently if she'd like to become the new 24/7 at-home caregiver for your mother, who is a demented 88-year-old Alzheimer's patient.<br />
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Or if you think she might not be ready for that level of intimacy, maybe try "I love you, and I want to be with you, but first either my mother or my wife must die, preferably both." It's so romantic!

are you his wife?

Noreen is just like my wife you see. Hence a personal attack job to cause me to rave out.

She is admittedly asexual, and usually prone to attacking me as though I forced my wife to become caretaker. This is not true, but she hits close enough to the truth to try to show me as selfish, just as would many of the spouses of members of this forum.

So I will ask in return, which is cruel, selfish and mean. To wish for mom to live for ten more years as her brain slowly stops telling her to remember things necessary to live. Her sister (my aunt) died this way. Mom cared for her until she could not. My aunt lived for several years after that......but it was not a quality life, and it bugged mom enough that she was releived when my aunt passed. Is it not more selfish to hang on to mom to hold control?

This is a real insite into the mind of a refuser.....I think that making people live long after they themselves would have chosen to go simply to say you took great care of them is a more selfish position than mine.

I will be saddened when mom goes- but there is much of her missing already. Yes she is the gate ..... but I have stated many times here that I will wait until that gate opens......even if I have to watch my friend marry someone else as she must not wait on me that would be a cruel thing to ask of her.

Is it so wrong then to note that I find touch to be something I miss and enjoy when I do find it with someone that is living fully and to whom it is also important.

Note I am typin on an android - and it makes me nuts

I just don't understand why Noreen pops in to a forum dominated by people that enjoy communication by touch and value something so simple missing from their lives. I have never gone to the asexual side of this place to chide them for their unfeeling selves. Wait . I do actually - making people as unhappy as they are is power. Too bad - I got another hug today----so I am feeling OK.

"rave out"?

"I think that making people live long after they themselves would have chosen to go simply to say you took great care of them is a more selfish position than mine."

Are you blaming your wife now because she cares for your mother too well and doesn't allow her to die? Now that is perverse. Are you expecting her to smother your mother with a pillow or something? If that's what you really want, then man up and do it yourself. If you feel so strongly that it's your mother's time to go, then you know what to do, instead of resenting your wife for being "cruel, selfish, and mean" by providing good care to your demented mother.

The reason I "pop in" is that your posts are so cold and unfeeling. Every time your wife has to go into the hospital for an operation or serious medical problem, you complain about how it affects YOU and how it makes YOU feel. You seem incapable of empathy for your family member who is desperately ill and must undergo a scary medical crisis. Does your wife know that you hope she'll die someday soon? If all your feeling for her is gone, as it seems to be, the decent thing would be to walk away. Afterward,, I bet you'd be glad you took that decision.

btw, I am also a person who enjoys communication by touch. We're very huggy in my family. It's not sexual touch, which is great for me. So I am feeling OK, too.

There's no need to chide anyone for being asexual, or sexual for that matter. Your coldness, ingratitude, and lack of empathy, however, disturb me to the point that I must comment (since EP is, after all, a public forum).

And there is your proof folks.....

Nowhere in the quoted sentance (or anywhere in the response) did I advocate killing anyone. I also have responded to correct people that have suggested that my wife passing would be just desserts. I don't pop in to the groups in which asexuals discuss how wonderful it is to them to be free of sex to tell them what I think of why do you come here Noreen? It appears to be to chide us for having normal needs in regard to touch. For desiring that someone we once loved to communicate via touch ...and sex being part of that, so we can feel loved by them in return.

You so wonderfully illustrate my point...please return to tell us more about how unfeeling I am for having stayed by my wife's hospital bed to feed her ice chips to restart her kidneys....(by the way Mom was on her own when that happened). How coming home from work to run her IV and pack a wound was completey cold -(same incident prior to Mom being in her care).

The use of drugs and medical technology to prolong life well past the point of actually living it is cruel to my view....and somehow that is twisted to advocating killing. Come back and post some more of your snark in reply - twist it however.

It is not that I wanted to have the feelings for my wife turn from loving tenderness and need to be together into a strained friendship. I would like to think that perhaps we can simply part as friends when the opportunities are correct. I know however from previous behavior that this will not be allowed - by my wife - who will use the same ridicule and snark to point me out as the bad guy. I loved her dearly even through all the sickness. I have clearly stated that. I do not however love being dismissed, being told that my sex life is over because she has chosen so...for suspect reasoning...and not even getting the hugs that it appears Noreen's family enjoy. I do not love ingratitude for holding it all together while she was in the hospital. My wife will never likely be not sick...she is a diabetic. She is getting better at handling that - but how is it my fault if she did not care for herself. And why am I not due at least loving mention as a caretaker for her. Noreen - you have posted several times to accuse and berate me - when I have done nothing to you - others here including Enna30 have chastised you for your unreasonable responses.

Read the posts ILIASM folks....

This is what your spuse it thinking of you .....and why I have not used the block button.

Geezus woman...this post is anything BUT cold and unfeeling. You've obviously got issues. Write about them in your own story, and stop following people around to disagree with.

Oh you make me cry. Would your mum want this for you? I don\'t think so. When I first got here and was having some tough times you were wonderful to me. I get that you choose this but can\'t you just choose some other path???

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You sound mournful.<br />
It's understandable but the real mystery is why we're where we are/why we chose to go here/there in the first place.<br />
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Why do we bring this misery down upon ourselves and I'm pretty much convinced that's what most of us do.<br />
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Granted I've only been here a few days but I've read and read and read and one of the common themes (I'm picking up) is "I shoulda' known."<br />
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I shoulda' known - I shoulda' known - countless times over countless things - there have been so many - I've forgotten some! - but I wasn’t paying attention – I didn’t know.<br />
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No - that's wrong. I knew. I knew in my gut but I refused to believe it.<br />
I wanted him to love me as I loved him.<br />
I so wanted it.<br />
I tried to make his dreams come true.<br />
I tried to make him love me.<br />
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I tried to buy his love.<br />
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WHY did I shove my intuition down?<br />
WHY did I ignore the signs?<br />
Why did I refuse to believe?<br />
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Something is tickling at me telling me it’s some form of narcissism –- not just in him but also in myself!<br />
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I don’t believe we’re blameless in these situations – blameless may be too strong a word but somewhere – somehow – there’s something flawed in our own makeups that allowed us to get in and then stay (so long) in these situations.<br />
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There’s self esteem issues involved I’m sure.<br />
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What are your thoughts?

I am sure you are correct.

In my case I do have character flaws (as does everyone). I can be harsh, and my temper is quick and a little to hot. I however.....note that I am not perfect, that the situation is not perfect. I search and take personality tests...trying to be as honest as possible even if I think I might not like the outcome. I am a tiny bit Neurotic - I tend toward the glass being half empty. It is highly likely this - over time- brought my wife down a bit. I also exhibit tendencies that are the exact opposite of that diagnosis. I am generally very strong in crisis...and able to maintain rational thought in the middle of a mess. It takes more than life has thrown at me to bring me down. Read some of my other stories - there are examples there.

I am taking the time now to KNOW me....and work on these items that make it hard to have a relationship with others. I own them -only I can choose to fix them - and I owe it to myself and anyone I love to do so.

If the wife were doing the same - and we simply GREW apart....well a mutual decision could be rationalized and then realized. Since she chose a unilateral positive belief in HER self - and cannot accept that I might have a different feeling. Only one of us may now grow...........and then leave.

It does not have to be this way.

The woman I wrote about in this story may not be THE one that will provide that for the rest of my life. But at least I know what I am looking for.

I did not know that 23 years ago.....and that is both our faults....and kinda normal...unfortunately.

You know you want to...

You know your are absolutely correct....

If it were me i wouldnt even be coming round to fix the tap. I'd let her drown in it.

It's not the wife with the broken pipes. It's the woman he loves but dares not expect a relationship with until he's fully available.

Hell - yes

My apologies. I misunderstood the story.

I admit I wrote it partially that way. It was intended that you be misled until the jolting statement of not being married to or dating this woman hugging with see it ought to be the small of my wife's back that tingles me.....or mine that she gets tingles from.

1 More Response

*sigh*<br />
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Achingly touching, thanks for sharing Wolfy.<br />
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Pass me a tissue, would you, Ron?

Aw, shucks. You are making me cry!

Ron - I am almost afraid to that sarcasm...??


In that case - thanks....