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Another One Bites The Dust !

I share this not to brag..boast...or celebrate.
I ended my marriage last month.

To the spouses out there who think that with-holding of intimacy is a control tactic, or a power struggle....be forewarned.

You may find yourself sitting in the living room...across from that spouse who you have taken for granted for far too long...and hear those fateful words..."Our marriage is over"

To all those who have had the thought cross your mind....it is not something you wander into lightly.

The month of July was utter hell and a bit of a blur.
And the coming months will not be easy either.
We are discussing the exit....civil is the norm...actually better than it has been.

A 20 yr relationship...the victim of 15 yrs+ of continued shutdown and denial.

Eventually, everyone has their line in the sand.
There was no 'event' for me....just a sad realization that I could no longer live this way.

I don't know how many more comments I will make in this group. I am saddened by how big it has become over the years, but happy that people in the same boat can find others who have sailed this sea.

To those who may ponder my other posts about meeting a wonderful person.....it was not the trigger.
There is much to consider there...and I have chosen to end first...explore second.
But it was that cognition that I could feel and love and be excited in someone elses presence that finally made me decide and concede that my marriage was over.

You cannot decribe or appreciate the magnitude of those few words, until you have lived them.

To any that are interested, comment and I will respond.

I removed my wedding band the night I ended the marriage....it had not been removed before. A simple act can bring such sorrow...because I thought it would never come off.

Anyways...to others..as a learned member is fond of saying...."Tread your own path"

I wish myself well.....I wish all of you well.

Beaverman Beaverman 41-45, M 25 Responses Aug 21, 2012

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Just a quick update for anyone that is still interested.
I have survived 2 weeks quite successfully. My kids tell me that while they miss me when I am not there, they are finding that the 50/50 ( and to her credit flexibility is the name of the game which makes things so much easier) is not as bad as they thought.
They like that they have 2 houses.
I like that I have less chores to do because now I am cleaning up after me and the kids.....and not an absent spouse.
Don't get me wrong...I have had a couple boo hoo nights, and I have had a few sleepless nights. But this feels right.
So
Surgite !

Cheers

Go brother B.

Tread your own path.

Beaverman, The road will be rocky, you will feel sadness for the life you are leaving, even though the one you are moving towards is going to be better. It may take a bit of climbing, and you will stubble at times, you will question yourself, but YOU will be happier in the end. I truly wish you all the future happiness you deserve!

Thank You CC.

"But it was that cognition that I could feel and love and be excited in someone elses presence that finally made me decide and concede that my marriage was over."<br />
<br />
I DID live those words, beaverman. It took that type of emotional jump start for me to leave as well.<br />
<br />
Heading to the courthouse today to end what should have been ended years earlier.<br />
<br />
We all deserve better. Congratulations to you for making it happen.

You've been on this board going on 2 years now Brother B.<br />
<br />
Congratulations on graduating !!!!<br />
<br />
There have been a couple of other graduates in the last 24 hours too.<br />
<br />
May this transitional phase of your journey go well my brother.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

A quick note for those who care to follow along.<br />
I have begun to move my personal belongings to my new home....<br />
I am taking surprizingly little from the house.<br />
I did some light cleaning there tonight...........set up the kitchen a bit.<br />
<br />
Suddenly it was 11 pm...so I sat on the floor.......had a cold drink from the fridge that I had plugged in 5 hrs previously.........and had a flashback to "st.Elmo'sFire"<br />
<br />
I was having a cold beer on my living room floor...after I had cleaned my bathrooms and my kitchen.....and it was one of the best beers i had ever had.<br />
<br />
I don't kid myself.....there will be some agonizing nights when the kids aren't with me...I know that. Bu t I amused to that agony.........and it will be less because now there is hope.<br />
<br />
And that is what it boils down to I guess. i was nervous and anxious as I made the arrangements for all the utilities to switch tome in the new place....but it all went smoothly.<br />
<br />
At 46 yrs of age....I have hit the reset button. For those who are where i was 3 months ago........it is a survivable event if you have inner strength.<br />
<br />
Keep the comments coming.<br />
cheers

Fate must have had me stumble upon your post and thank you for your candor. As I can mimic everyword you said about my 22 yr. plus marriage except I can't leave for another 4 years till our last child goes to college. Watching it die a slow death for the past 15 years and trying every tool under the sun to rescue it, I've now acknowledged my bitter truth. It was no one event, no affairs, no one's gay, no health issues, no money issues, no depression. Nope, simply a total withdrawal and shut out by him from all intimacy after he passed age 45. And this said by a woman who get's hit on regularly, wedding rings or not. I am just one of the silent legion of wives living in a sexless marriage. God speed and good luck as you pick up the pieces and move forward.

Unfortunately I speak from experience as far as being in a marriage with very little intimacy. Two children were born out of my union. In 15 years of marriage I can count on my 2 hands the amount of time I had sex. Obviously 2 of those times I became pregnant (planned).<br />
<br />
It got to the point that my x-husband's job was causing him (so he says) to be uninterested in intimacy during our marriage, due to stress. I am a very giving, passionate woman and here I found myself in a marriage that was really a parental friendship or living with someone like a brother. I gave it 15 years before I finally decided to move on with my life. I was able to be a stay-at-home mom during the formidable years.<br />
<br />
I did not want to 'cheat' and stay in the marriage -- that would only confuse the issue.<br />
<br />
My children were 8 and 11 when I filed for divorce and it took 2 years because my x hubby was in denial that I would even file. Ironically, the day the divorce was final, i cried and then after the Judge sounded the gavel, I was in the court house hallway crying hysterical because I never thought my marriage would end. But I chose this path.<br />
<br />
My children have a better relationship with their father because of the divorce. My divorce was one of the few where there was no acrimony, no bitterness, just sadness that it was over. To this day (14 years later) I am still best friends with my x-husband. Divorcing him I realized that it was best for the family.<br />
<br />
I have moved on and I am in another relationship.<br />
<br />
If anyone wants to vent, I'm here listening. I was a matrimonial paralegal for 5 years and have seen and heard it all.<br />
<br />
I hope everyone going through this finds peace somewhere and some time in their life!<br />
Good luck!

Thank you everyone for the responses.<br />
It has been quite the adventure to say the least.<br />
I am crushed daily by the thought of causing my beautiful children heart ache....and I don't know what to do about that. They know and see that their parents (me) are unhappy....and they don't want me to leave the house.<br />
It is just an additional la<x>yer of guilt and pain to wade through.<br />
Which explains why I am awake at 3:45 am and I have to work in a few hours, while my uninterested sexless wife sleeps blissfully upstairs unfazed by the entire turn of events.<br />
<br />
This would be one of the unpleasant nights.......and for those that are thinking of doing the same ; know this : You will spend many nights like this..doubting your decisions.<br />
<br />
It is agonizing and heart splitting.

I am new here and very inspired by your courage to end an intolerable situation. I hope to land in the same place as you and others who have decided that a marriage without intimacy is no marriage at all, but infact - a defacto divorce. Thanks for sharing and I hope you post more updates as your new life unfolds.

and yes i forgot to mention that it was ur heading of another one bites the dust that i had noticed cuz i too say that after every single relashionship

thats sad to hear i feel for you although im not married im also in a sexless relashionship right now and it is very trying.if u need to vent u can email me

What you have written is very similar to my situation. <br />
<br />
I hope, like me, you are looking forward to the fun and opportunities that the future will bring.<br />
<br />
Best wishes, <br />
<br />
Payne x

Well said brother. Your story is mine except I took off my ring long before the day. And I outsourced.Best wishes to you in your next chapter.

Best of luck to you, Beaverman.<br />
<br />
Princess OutIsGood

May your future include much happiness. It is good to be out of an unhappy situation.

Much empathy...<br />
<br />
Regardless of how hard or easy the coming months may be, they will never begin to reach the desolation that results from the rejection of you at a level that can only be reached by someone to whom you have given the essence of yourself.<br />
<br />
In spite of everything suffered during that last year, and in the ensuing two years since the end, I continue to feel an internal contentment that was impossible during the sexless years of my marriage.<br />
<br />
I would, and could, never go back to that.<br />
<br />
I'm happy for you, and wish you only the best that life has to offer... <br />
<br />
Be happy!<br />
<br />
FoP

Welcome to the other side, B-man.

It happened for me several months back when, turning into our driveway after our second meeting w/ a marriage therapist, he said to me, "If it's that important to you - get a boyfriend." I felt the bottom fall away from my world. <br />
<br />
I'm still here but it won't be long.<br />
I'm planning.

Thank you for your post, a thoughtful riposte to those who say this route is easy or what you could or should have done to "save" the marriage.<br />
<br />
What struck me is exactly what you said - sooner or later - there is no choice.

good luck,

Beaverman,<br />
<br />
I can empathise with the sorrrow and pain of mourning the ending of a marriage and hopes and dreams. In time the intensity will lessen. Breathe and keep walking. One life to live - live it with love, passion and intimacy. Be well.

The same thing happened to me in July. I'm 3 weeks out (since he left for the other side of the country), 4 since it verbally ended. I wish you luck and love. I'm doing well---maybe in that early euphoria stage, but hell: the absence of pain is pleasure. <br />
<br />
I also decided to end it before starting with someone else. Had a very brief fling which was my reawakening, but there is someone else that I have plans to spend some time with soon---and I didn't want to lie, cheat or sneak around. He isn't the impetus for the separation, but his existence has helped me remember that there is life outside my sexless marriage. I'm tired of living a partial life, I want full tilt experience. <br />
<br />
Strength and happiness to you...

I totally understand. Married almost 25 years, no sex or intimacy for 14 ....& one day...after years of "thinking" I knew I had to change it. It has been excruciatingly painful. I hope it is worth it. I just can't pretend that our marriage is ok, is good anymore. It is dysfunctional, has been for years. Unfortunately, it is too late. I don't love him anymore. The gap is too wide. <br />
<br />
I have met someone. HE is NOT the reason for my divorce. He has shown me what I have been missing. It makes me sad that I missed so much of life. No more....

Good luck to you. We all have our line in the sand and you obviously reached yours. <br />
<br />
You have decided to tally up the bill and present your wife with the account owing. That is a price she will have to pay for the rest of her life.<br />
<br />
Good Luck in your future endeavours. Life can only go up from here<br />
<br />
Stay Strong and Good Luck

So contradictory isn't it ... ending a relationship with someone you had once pledged your love and commitment to? I knew that feeling, and whirlwind of emotions, and I'm sorry you had to experience it, but I'm glad you've moved on to the next happier phase of your life.