I Try Only To Be Verbally Attacked

Poor guy sounds though as this is very common place!!! Seems there are two types of people in every marriage one who does want sex and one who doesn't. why don't the people who want love and sex swap partners with those people who have no desire for sex or intimacy!!! Oh slight problem there because as soon as you get married one of you turns into the doesnn't want sex or intimacy person!!! Good luck I'm in the same boat!!!!!

Here's a new twist on all this just make things a bit more complicated. Saturday we leave on a week long vacation to the Seattle and Vancouver area. There wont be much distance between us allowing either of us to find our comfort zone. I seriously thought of canceling the entire trip but thought it would just push us to make decisions we might not want to make. Following through with the trip might be a good thing. We'll find out soon enough.

It's simple, just cheat on her. I've been in miserable relationships where even the slightest approach at affection was greeted with disgust and revulsion. Fine I disgust you that much I'll find someone who isn't repulsed by my advances and I did. I'm not sorry for what I did and I'm not making excuses. It happened it's history and so is she.

Your wife is displaying traits of a CLUSTER B PERSONALITY DISORDER.



I can't believe this hasn't been mentioned, but these are all textbook behaviors. The all-or-nothing mentality (called "black-and-white thinking" in the psych lingo), the sudden disproportionate emotional responses, the withholding of intimacy as punishment (emotional abuse)...



There are many types of Cluster B disorders, but they share in common a tendency to be dramatic/erratic (http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/healthlibrary/conditions/mental_health_disorders/personality_disorders_85,P00760/). The downside of Cluster B's is that, because they involved acting out against others, they create the most collateral damage.



Because you are male, I will recommend that you visit Shrink4Men (dot com) to learn more about these behaviors and how to cope with them. Do NOT discuss this topic with her, as the likely response will be another rage, and you'll never convince her to change anything. But you can take actions that will minimize her negative impact on your life (and the life of your children, if you have any), and help you determine if there's any hope for a better future.



If there isn't, then you can do what you need to do to take care of YOURSELF. That is the basic responsibility of every human being on the planet.

An acquaintance of mine calls Rogerian listening (or active listening) "Kabuki Conversation." As far as he is concerned, the formalized act of listening to your partner, then paraphrasing using specific carrier sentences, then allowing your partner to either tell you if you got it right, or trying to say it a different way if you got it wrong, then making "I" statements about how you feel about it, has all of the intricacy of Japanese formal theatre. It drives him crazy, even though he can see the usefulness of it and that it can work.



Why say that? Because each and everyone of those exchanges you describe would be candidates for Kabuki Conversation. And each of those conversations would be very difficult because of the minefield of emotions both of you have on every single topic. Not to mention any anger about having to use a process that can feel awfully contrived. It would take a lot of time-a *lot* of time- to sort them out and find a way to mutual empathy. You would both have to be committed to the process. You might kill each other in the process. You might seriously maim a therapist who was helping with the process (ok, tongue in cheek right now.)



Maybe you could make a pact with her to take just one topic each, maybe the "kiss on the neck" thing for her, maybe the personal connection thing for you, and Kabuki it out and see how it goes. Maybe you've been through all this before, and it's time to pay attention to all the other comments.

I think she's not happy in the marriage at this time. Meaning things that's happening in every day life is upsetting her with you and is making her not wanting to be touched by you. This just might be way out in left field but you might just think of how you talk to her in everyday life stuff and just spend a little time out with her making her feel good and happy. This could help and trickle down to the bed room. It sounds like she doses love you and probably wants to have sex and make love to you.

She has you well trained hasn't she? You should not be apologising to her. Any excuse will do to prevent you from being close to her.



These assortment of stories she comes up with, you should of made you move the other week etc, are nothing but stories that have generated out of her a..ss.



For some reason your missus is intimately adverse to you. You have choices here and none of them good however one needs to be made.



You can either keep on suffering the way you have sexless and in limbo or you can address the situation. By this i mean confronting her about it and laying your cards on the table and seeking advice on how a divorce will pan out for you.



Both choices suc...k but one needs to be made.



That decision is soley yours.



Stay Strong & Good Luck

I could have written this a year ago. All that anger directed at you, while you just gasp in amazement at the response to affection. It's not cool. You, my friend, should work on your exit plan. Good wishes to you.

Refusal and counterrefusal. As bazzar will tell you -- it's the "death knell."

This has to be like living on the outer banks of hell. Love to her is not showing affection. Love to you is showing affection. She is angry that you do not understand. This is a big divide to both of you. I think that she needs to be on her own so that she can have friends and not have to engage in such a disgusting act of intimacy. There is no love there, at least not any kind that you can relate to. I am so sorry.

The OP is way too hurt to heal. He needs solo therapy from a sensitive and kind practitioner.

Wow, you still love her and have a lot invested in your world together, i was where you are about 6 months ago. I am in a little better place now because of this site and the thing that helped me the most was finding a link to these talks on love by a Professor from Stamford U. Google Leo Buscoglia Love and watch the 6 segments. Heal thyself first is now my motto.

Maybe when she came on to you you should have taken her up on her willingness to do the deed and afterwards talked to her about how much it meant to you that she did make such a advancement. It would have been a nice opportunity to talk. Turning her down in a means of punishing her got you worse results do you think?

You are putting yourself in an invidious position with someone who either is unwilling or unable to interpret other people's behaviour while accusing you of not understanding hers. That might be the pot calling the kettle black. It is actually okay to say, "I don't understand but I want to understand" rather than sitting on it seething and fulminating and then going off on one like a dormant volcano.



Despite your reticence I would be out the door asap because I doubt whether she is ever going to want to understand because she just somehow expects you to miraculously "get it" whatever "it" may be. As it is, you are both playing mighty awful mind-games with one another and I say that irrespective of the reasons why or how you have got to that point. That is what is happening right now.

"She's waiting for me to change. I'm waiting for her to change. " So, who's going to crack first in this game of chicken?



"There's too much history." Otherwise known as the sunk cost trap. Tell me about the future.



"no willingness for compromise" Um, this is a marriage?



You're being quite resilient in your responses btw, well done with that. Yet you do not yet seem sure enough about what you want and what you're going to do to get that. Or are you going to wait till you wind each other up sufficiently that the aforementioned crack will widen into a chasm?

"Last weekend, she offered because so many weeks had gone by and I refused her advances. Role reversal!"



It sounds like her world is rocked by this.

The words "Control Freak" are swirling up at me.

Could it be??

We've been through so much counseling it seems like an endless circle. The counselor gets us to do more things together, spend more time together. We do all that. Genetically, I think she's lost all desire (not her fault) and she sees any physical gesture as an attack on her personal space.

What do you think you can do about the situation then?



Counselling to help you both talk about intimacy?