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Not Going To Live Without Sex!

This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to him a few months ago, but didn't ever give to him. I have decided to give it to him soon. We are already living apart during the week due to my job promotion. I dont think he will even mention the letter after he reads it. He will just act hurt and victimized, but I am hoping that I feel some empowerment.

...I am doing a lot of soul searching about my life and where I want to be. I have accomplished a lot and I have a lot more that I want to do. As I have taken stock of my life, I have come to some conclusions that I want to share with you. Some of this may be difficult and shocking for you to hear, yet, it is only fair to you that I am completely honest with you.

This year will be the 7th anniversary since we've had any sexual contact. I always feel that it goes by unnoticed by you. I admit I don’t understand how you can continue to not even acknowledge it. Since we never talk about it and you have made it very clear that you will not discuss it with me, all I can do is share with you how I feel and what I plan to do.

I don’t intend to ever pressure you or push you to do or feel something you don’t. On the other hand, you don’t get to choose for me how I feel. I still very much crave the closeness and intimacy that sex brings. I have never lost my desire, but I have put to rest any sexual desire I had for you. I KNOW that we will never be together like that again. I have lost all of those kinds of feelings for you. I have lost all hope that it will ever change. I guess you feel relieved to know that… since you are no longer under any pressure.

I know we have both thought a lot about divorce and how that would play out.. I don’t think either of us can find it in our hearts to do that right now. I am in a very tough place to be. I want and crave sexual and emotional intimacy very much. As hard as this decision has been for me, I have decided that I will seek sexual intimacy outside of our marriage if I find someone who is in a similar situation. I won’t sneak around behind your back, so that means I will tell you if you ask me if I’ve been with someone. I can think of no other solution. I have been thinking about this for quite some time and I can think of no other solution for me because I do not intend to spend the rest of my life not being touched or made love to.
emeraldeyes49 emeraldeyes49 41-45, F 19 Responses Aug 24, 2012

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Thank you for sharing this letter. It gave me a number of good ideas to use in the letter I am writing to my wife. You especially touched me when you explained that your sexual desire for him has died. I realized that is exactly what has happened (or is happening) to me. A refuser actually kills the other person's desire. It is tragic and sad but too true!

I think you have decided to make the best of a bad situation. You have evidently given the subject a great deal of thought. I, for one, support your decision.

i think you are doing the right thing. everyone deserves a little pleasure and happiness in their life. 7 years is unthinkable. take your affairs slow, though. and don't go into it expecting too much. it won't fix your problems, it may shift them a bit, however. good luck

Wow! I can so relate to you. I am in the same boat though I wouldn't even mind a touch occasionally. It is weird because he even reacts and pushes me away if I touch him in my sleep. <br />
I know he comes from a very cold family, I also know I must of fooled myself into thinking that I could change him. I sometimes hurt for a touch..<br />
I know I will never leave and I don't know why. I wish I could just die!

Good luck to you! I am not in a sexless marriage (yet), but the sex in my marriage has been dedicated to his love for lingerie. I feel like I've wasted 9 years loving a man who loves my clothes, and if I have to do this for 9 more, I will go crazy for lack of being wanted. It's not fair to be trapped in a marriage wanting only what is normal and right in a marriage.

My husband hasn't made love to me in 15 years due to a medical condition, so I understand how you are feeling. What makes it worse is when your partner doesn't want to even try to communicate with you on the matter. You become shut down sexually and you start to feel like your not a woman anymore. I love my husband and cant blame him for our sexless marriage , he certainly didnt ask for his illness, but I will say this, life is too short to be unforfilled and I hope you find the courage to either give him the letter and seek a man that will forfill your needs or end the marriage and find someone that can make you happy in every way. I wish you the best of luck in the future , I hope it works out for you..

I feel like I`m intruding here but my wife and I have not had any intimacy in 5 years due to medical reasons and a car accident injuring her back so I cannot blame her. It is a terrible situation to live without something that you enjoy but I do not plan on leaving her, I still love her.

I think there is a fine lne between can't and won't in many of our sexless marriages...most of us on here are in situaions that there is no physiological cause. You sound like a good husband and I have many times wondered if I was a better or stronger person if I could just accept this situation for what is is. I have tried, but I guess I am not that good of a person because i am hurt, and mad, and resentful. And i can't imagine spending 7 more years like this.

You are not a bad person, you are just human.

You are as good as a person as you want to be. Just because he denies you and puts you through all the abuse that he has does not make you who you are. It's nothing more than being abused and building resentment from the abusive experience. He created your experience not you!

That letter could have been written by me!!! The times I have thought of doing just that, you wouldn't believe!! I sometimes wonder what happened to the successful driven career girl I used to be. I definitely wouldn't have taken this cxxp. But with two young children to consider they are my main focus and the reason I stay. My husband is away for a couple of weeks soon on a boys holiday which I am happy for him to do but the moment he gets back we will be having a serious conversation again (I usually initiate this in the heat of an argument about once every six months to try to find out what the reasons are behind his lack of sex drive ) or I shall be composing a letter in the same vein as I don't want sex with someone who clearly doesn't find me attractive any more but I can't cope without sex for another four years, please keep in touch and let me know how you get on xx

"This year will be the 7th anniversary since we've had any sexual contact."<br />
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Seven years? And you are writing him a little letter? Forget that. He's a guy. From a male perspective, actions speak the loudest. Make your plan, and move on. Writing little notes might make you feel a bit better, but it just wastes your time an will make it harder to do what needs to be done. And you know what needs to happen.

You are assuming that he will react in a typical male fashion...and you obviously don't understand the dysfunction that exists in a sexless marriage.

Perhaps you're right. But you haven't really said why you are staying in a dysfunctional relationship. Which I apparently don't understand.

OH MY GOSH!! This is my story exactly..I have thought the same, emerald...that I should just say LOOk I'm going to seek sex elsewhere b/c I see no other choice. Wow.

Hi , must admit i started laughing when i started reading your story as it seemed like you must be reading my mind,...............................................................................................................................7 years is a long time but i have had a 8 years sentence and its still running lol... if you fancy a chat give me a shout .. ps im not a nutter or a manic depressive .......just sexually frustrated lol.

This letter is sad, and it screams out with pain you feel! <br />
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The letter will get some kind of attention. If you have no concerne about results in a divorce then make your move! You have nothing to loose. <br />
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However if you find yourself wanting to turn it around there is a better letter to write that can say a lot of the same without putting him on such a strong defensive mind set. And you should use such a letter as a guide in your discussion to re negotiate this relationship rather than leaving it on the table.<br />
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I feel the letter keeps you from putting yourself in front of him to do the hard work it takes in a relationship. He has not heard you enough in the past so you feel like you do, and I get it. If you feel you can not put yourself in front of him and have such a blunt talk then will you be able to in your next relationship? <br />
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Think about it for a little while before you do so. good luck

Like you suggested, in seven years I have had so many face to face discussions about this, using every strategy, idea, approach you could possibly imagine. There is nothing to negotiate anymore. I am doing this for me...I dont care how it makes him feel or how he reacts. This is finally about me and i am not letting him choose how I experience my sexuality any longer. if he wants a divorce, it would make my decision a lot easier. As for any fear of having him expose my threat of adultery in a divorce proceding, he wouldn't want the world to know that he hadn't touched his wife in all these years...mutual demise.

Well you know your experience obviously better than any one. If your beyond any intention of reversing your experience with this guy then this letter will shift things in your direction alright! Your feelings are the only ones that should matter any longer. Good luck!

What do you mean by "reversing your experience?" Not being a smarta**...just curious what you mean by that.

No I do not feel that you are being a smart ***.

If he were to seek help and fix this would it change how you feel about this?

If not, you are done anyway and the letter should just be a goodbye letter.

If he was capable of fixing himself after you giving this letter to him and you have found a friend to fulfill your needs then there are even more to overcome in your relationship.

If you don't care about dealing with that then your letter should still be the goodbye letter.

If you had a wake up letter without the threats of another person envolved it just may put him in a position to act. ????

He most likely won't from the sounds of things with the history you make note of. So the letter maybe should be a goodbye letter instead?

If he did work on him self and make a strong effort to fulfill your life again in all areas of intamacy then your experience would be reversed.

My wife found my journal and she does not know that I am aware of her reading in it.

She sees a psychologist and has worked on herself for many years.

We both have talked about our problems extensively and she has a high priority on it right now. Will it hold out? I don't know. I just know that getting professional help for both of us has helped us out. Do know that I am not allowing this progress to go on just for a short while and then she getting lazy about my needs again. This has reversed some of my feelings and is helping to heal the abuse that I have been through. Is it fixed? No. It will take a while to make sure it is sustainable. If not we can can part ways knowing we did all we could.

With this being said my experience with my wife has reversed somewhat. time will tell and I have a timeline in my mind to guide myself just when to throw the towel in.

I wish you luck and do know that I support you on your situation not your abuser!

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I didn't write a letter but I told my wife what I am doing (after 11 years without sex). She is OK with it as long as none of it comes home. If I get stood up for a date I am expected to stay out and not bring any upset home. If I am missing my girlfriend, that is my business keep it too my self. If we had a great time she doesn't want to know about it. It took a little while to learn how to compartmentalize my life and sometimes I wish I didn't have to but I guess it is only fair.<br />
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Another part of this is that my girlfriend and I very quickly developed strong feelings for each other. Neither of us wants to end our primary relationship which leads to the situation where when I am with her she makes me feel like I am here number one and only, but when she leaves I have to remember that I am not.<br />
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I had got to the point in my relationship with my wife that I was relatively content to just sit around the house but now I find that empty time is spent thinking about my girlfriend and I miss her more than I should. So now I do my best to fill idle time with activities that keep my mind engaged.<br />
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All of this has caused my life to be an emotional roller-coaster just like when I was young and making new relationships. I knew and know that life will even out (as it has mostly) but was surprised by the strength of my emotions.<br />
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My life is much better now and I am glad I stuck with this through the rough part. There are still things to learn but I really hope that is always the case.<br />
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Good Luck and ride out the stormy parts. It is worth it.

Dear God, this is so familiar....I am IN that rollercoaster with a sweet man that I met a year ago and fell quickly in love with, though we've only BEEN TOGETHER a few times (distance &amp; circumstances and sticky situations with mutual friends have completely prevented there being more)....so we cam and we talk and chat and I depend too much on this to make all things right in my world. I question whether it is worth it but ask me the next day and my answer will be different! However I am still where I am, sexless...now x 2. How sad is THAT???

At least he wants to be with you, right? Sometimes that is worth more than the encounter.

Be careful. This admission of infidelity (which hasn't occurred, but is plainly stated to take place when you feel like it at some point in time) can be harmful in a divorce proceeding. There is a possibility that he has been waiting for exactly just this-- to justify and empower him in the divorce proceedings.

He would be petrified of having it come out in a public proceding that he hadn't touched me in all these years...I think it would be mutuallly assured destruction so he wouldn't go there.

It's his word versus yours. Yours says you want to have sex with other people no matter what he says. He only has to say that you DID have sex, until you decided to fool around on people... and he wanted nothing more to do with you. See, in a divorce proceeding-- evidence is one thing... how the evidence is presented however, makes all the difference. Again, you are admitting to infidelity. It is only your word that he hasn't touched you even though you've wanted him to. He could make the same claim-- that he wanted to, but you weren't interested... and then you claim you were, just as you tell him he can't ever again, but you are going to get some any time you want.

Not reality, but any lawyer worth his salt is going to use YOUR words against you, not for your benefit. And again, I will emphasize, you are admitting to infidelity-- which in ANY courtroom is a fault for divorce.

I am willing to accept the consequences of my behavior in any material way that might manifest in a divorce proceeding..he is the one that will lose a wife and family that loved him and tried so hard for a long, long time.

Then why not file without bothering to give him this note. It is over, as you say. Why complicate matters?

1 More Response

My heart goes out to you.Take care

Courage, friend. Courage.

Realistically, if you haven't had sexual contact with your husband in 7 years, the odds of being hit by lightning several times are better than he changing to an affectionate person who will partake in sex with you on a frequent regular basis. Whatever the reasons he will not have sex with you are deep rotted. He may not know himself why he has no sexual desire for you. That makes the problem all the more frustrating. <br />
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Set a date and tell you husband that if you do not see any improvement in the situation then you are going to re-access your options and make a decision that is in your best interests. Yes, this will put him under pressure. He will not like it. Honestly, it will probably will not improve the situation. It just gives him a last chance to do something. If he does nothing, then you know where you stand with him. You have lived seven years without sexual contact. I know you do not want to live another seven years that way. You cannot change him. If he does not want to change, you have to do what is best for you.

Deep rotted?
I'd say that's a perfectly apt description!

thank you for your comments, but i think you miss the point of htis letter. This is not about him anymore ormakng him feel or do anything. I don't want to put him under any pressure. The message in this letter is that he can do or be whatever he is, but he can no longer make the choice for me. Maybe there is a part of me that hopes I just make him mad or disgusted by me enough he wants me to leave.

Both your letter and comment,is very well said..and you have given every chance to change in seven yrs...Now is the time to do what you need and want..

I know your pain. We have not had seven years of nothing, but once a quarter if I'm lucky is the norm. She reluctantly had sex with me this month to "celebrate" my birthday. Yeah me. <br />
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I wish you the best of luck in finding someone to fulfill you.

Good on you for your honesty. I suspect he will be a Dog In The Manger and become upset with you seeking someone else. But he needs to confront the reality you have placed before him. <br />
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Good Luck!

Thank you! You get it.

so do I...oh, so do I..... :(