Sexless and Alone - Going Crazy!

IMy wife and I have been married 22 years.  It has now been 10 years... yes 10 years since we have been intimate.  Why?  No idea.  Each time this issue is brought up today, it is immediately (ligntning quick) shut down.    This reduction in sex began after the first child was born.  Certainly it was expected that the quantity of sex would decline.. and it did, but at least we were having a realtionship.  When we wanted to have a second child (4 years later), she was once again became hot - insatiable!  She wanted sex all the time, every day.  It was great.  After the birth of the second child it again slowed way down.  She shared that the issue with the low sex drive was she "needed a place to start over."  She said "you won't understand" this (she was right, still don't), but we moved over 1,000 miles - new state, new house, new job, new schools, etc.  Everything was there to 'start over.' Guess what?  No sex since we have moved to the new place.   Apparently her "starting over" meant abstinence (virginity). 

To this day, I find my wife incredibly sexy and attractive.  I want to make love to her regularly and enjoy the closeness associated with it.  She does not want anything to with sex -- not even a kiss, hug, etc.  It is ICE COLD!  About five years ago the reason for not having sex was she was not comfortable with her body (????) -- her breasts were not big enough.  THis was not my direction, because I found her chest wonderful.  Against my recommendation, but I supported her in her decision, she had breast augmentation one-year ago for $6K.  Guess what?  I've not seen them so I'm not sure why she had it done.  Also, she does not change her clothes in front of me and I could not tell you the last time I saw here in her underwear.  I am desparate for some physical attention and love from my wife.  I dearly miss having a relationship and and not sure what I am going to do.  Will I leave?  Not yet.  The kids are still in the house and there is no way I can do it to them, or myself.  I would miss being around them too much.  The good news, the youngest is 14 so it won't be too many years until they are both out of the house.

Before one starts w/ "you need to help around the house" that is already done -- if it's outside it's my responsiblility and in the house I do dishes every night, regularly help dust, sweep, etc. 

Honestly, I don't know what to do.  It's like platonic friends, or better yet, a brother and sister raising children together.  I want to run away -- but can't

It's lonely

Rogerthat Rogerthat
41-45, M
7 Responses May 2, 2007

The, "you need to help around the house" thing was always bullshit. All it meant was that you got more work time and she got more tv time. If you got more lovin' you'd be doing the housework for her, singing....

Hate to say it, but sounds like she's getting it somewhere else. You were just her ***** donor (hopefully the only one then) and now the bill payer. It sure sounds like you're being used...

sounds like my marriage, except for the breast augmentation.

Honestly, it sounds as if she's having an affair. I have seen plenty of women commenting on situations like this in an affair support board. They won't let their husbands touch them or see them naked. Some feel it's like cheating on their affair partner.

that is so similar to what I am going through, but it has only been 18 months not ten years. We have not had sex once in that time and she will not even hold my hand and yet we still chat and get on as if nothing is wrong. But when sex and the relationship is brought up she says its all down to me and I have to try harder. However if i mention splitting up she gets very upset, she does not want me to go but cant open up to me.

To All<br />
<br />
Thanks for your input and comments. I'm sorry I am a bit delayed in getting back to everyone, but have been out of town for the past week.<br />
<br />
I asked this past weekend about 'going to see somebody' about this issue, but she shared its' 'not a problem' and she didn't want to talk about it. Though it may not "be a problem" for her, it is definitely one for me. <br />
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How sad, but comforting, to know others, both men and women (now this part was the shock, because as lonely lady stated, I always thought the issue was a 'male thing' that we had to deal with) experience this same issue. <br />
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By the way, I asked again this weekend about when I may have an opportunity to see those new breasts... no answer.. which leads me to believe it will not be within the next few days...weeks...months..... <br />
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Thanks again for your support and comments.

Rogerthat:<br />
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Take a look at my story on this page, and the stories of Kent and Lonelylady. It will at least make you feel better that you are not alone. you need to confront this at some point, whihc Kent and i have done recently. We are both going to be going to couples therapy. you cannot live like that. Also, pick a quiet time, look her in the eye, and ask her if she is having an affair. That's what i did. i think that needs to be ruled out first, before you take the time, effort and money in therapy. For me, i thought that if she is having an affair, its real simple, don't let the door hit you in the *** on the way out. But, if it is as i expected, and it is, that she simply doesn't want sex, then she needs to make an effort to fix it, because i am at the end of my rope, and won't live without intimacy for the rest of my life, absent a huge effort on her part to get it back in our lives. Also, because i think its important to be hones here, Who were the bigger breasts for anyway?

I feel your pain, as so many others on EP do too. I understand the lonliness though. Too many lonely nights on the couch or feeling like I've been snubbed yet again.....like last night - LOL. There is no magic fix. Lots of communication, maybe therapy for one or both of you, possibly doctor's visits if deemed neccessary. the only thing I can say is it's your decision to love her or not. Kudos to you for doing so, but understand if you decide not to.