Next WeekNext week, I start looking for work again. I'm ready to rejoin the world and make some money. I'm ready to get out of this sexless marriage and move on with my life. I know there are steps to take before I get there. Hiccups. Road blocks. Trials.
I know that my husband will stand in my way. I know that life is more comfortable than ever for him now. I'm cooking great food again. I'm active with my son - taking him out, shouldering most of the childcare burden - but enjoying it more. I'm making almost no demands on him. He has all the time in the world to play D&D. He spends more of his waking hours on that than work, household chores, spending time with our son or spending time with me. He's a selfish jerk and I'm enabling him to be so.
Just this week I was entertaining a visiting cousin. We were running late, but having a good time and I asked my husband to pick up my son from holiday club. He didn't want to. He said he needed to go swimming. But there were hours before he needed to pick up the boy. He did it, but there was a lot of whining and complaining. This is the first time he's done so since May.
I know that I won't get any support from my family. I know my mother will be more concerned with how it looks than how I feel. I know I will be portrayed as the bad guy to his family.
But I also know that I want a happy and healthy relationship. And this isn't one that can be revived. In a year since I've expressed my deep, deep unhappiness he's never once asked what he could do differently. He's never expressed any notion of fault or any desire to change. For the sake of my health and my son's well-being I think I have to take firm steps to go.