My Sm In A Nutshell And Some ThoughtsI found ILIASM about a month ago, have read a lot (100+) stories, have had my eyes opened a lot, and posted one unfortunate question as a story.
My actual story is similar to many others here. Married about two decades and in a virtually sexless relationship since even prior to tying the knot. Even though it's trite and likely to get me sucker punched here, I'm tempted to say everything is great except for the lack of intimacy. Of course that isn't true, but I don't think it's far from the truth that most of the things that aren't great are a result of the lack of intimacy.
The details are almost boring because they would just repeat other stories here, or the "you know you live in a SM when..." quips on the forum. Rather than share a blow by blow tale of woe, I'm going to share some thoughts...
Ignoring warning signs at the onset of a relationship is a bad, bad idea. My W is a fantastic person. I thought so the day I met her and still do. I understand the anger that surfaces here frequently but the only anger I have is toward myself for a variety of mistakes I've made over the years and not taking care of business the right way. Not only did I think she was fantastic, I felt a huge physical attraction toward her. Why intimacy was always such a struggle just puzzled me, but I thought over time trust would grow and intimacy with it.
I didn't see this as "wanting to change someone" in the usual sense. I think it's just hard to comprehend an aversion to intimacy. It's hard not to believe it's a basic need for everyone. That's just not the case. I also didn't realize what a huge problem this was and the impact it would have on me over time. Big mistakes.
Staying for the kids... One of the things that has caused me a lot of distress is setting a terrible example here. I think that's enough said.
Living in pain for years on end is no way to live. That's also about enough said.
Self blame is BS. Every one of us could have been a better husband/wife in some way, have made mistakes of one sort or another, etc. None of that is justification for submitting to a SM.
Be a f'n man (or woman) and take care of business. I've got a lot of pride. I'm not a complainer and I'm not a beggar. Those are **** poor reasons for a life of misery. Having a difficult conversation or making difficult decision is... difficult. So what. Man up. Woman up.
I do have a plan, I intend on following up and sharing how it goes before too long.