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My Sm In A Nutshell And Some Thoughts

I found ILIASM about a month ago, have read a lot (100+) stories, have had my eyes opened a lot, and posted one unfortunate question as a story.

My actual story is similar to many others here. Married about two decades and in a virtually sexless relationship since even prior to tying the knot. Even though it's trite and likely to get me sucker punched here, I'm tempted to say everything is great except for the lack of intimacy. Of course that isn't true, but I don't think it's far from the truth that most of the things that aren't great are a result of the lack of intimacy.

The details are almost boring because they would just repeat other stories here, or the "you know you live in a SM when..." quips on the forum. Rather than share a blow by blow tale of woe, I'm going to share some thoughts...

Ignoring warning signs at the onset of a relationship is a bad, bad idea. My W is a fantastic person. I thought so the day I met her and still do. I understand the anger that surfaces here frequently but the only anger I have is toward myself for a variety of mistakes I've made over the years and not taking care of business the right way. Not only did I think she was fantastic, I felt a huge physical attraction toward her. Why intimacy was always such a struggle just puzzled me, but I thought over time trust would grow and intimacy with it.

I didn't see this as "wanting to change someone" in the usual sense. I think it's just hard to comprehend an aversion to intimacy. It's hard not to believe it's a basic need for everyone. That's just not the case. I also didn't realize what a huge problem this was and the impact it would have on me over time. Big mistakes.

Staying for the kids... One of the things that has caused me a lot of distress is setting a terrible example here. I think that's enough said.

Living in pain for years on end is no way to live. That's also about enough said.

Self blame is BS. Every one of us could have been a better husband/wife in some way, have made mistakes of one sort or another, etc. None of that is justification for submitting to a SM.

Be a f'n man (or woman) and take care of business. I've got a lot of pride. I'm not a complainer and I'm not a beggar. Those are **** poor reasons for a life of misery. Having a difficult conversation or making difficult decision is... difficult. So what. Man up. Woman up.

I do have a plan, I intend on following up and sharing how it goes before too long.
PlatypusPete PlatypusPete 46-50, M 8 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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I resonate amazingly with some observations that you made: 1) "Why intimacy was always such a struggle just puzzled me, but I thought over time trust would grow and intimacy with it." I believed the same way, Pete. That she would somehow change in time. that she would see me as someone very different than her past men...that I could somehow convince her of my trustworthiness and sincerer love for her, and that could convince her to open her heart to me and appreciate who I was for her...how much love I had to offer her. WRONGO! ... and 2) "I also didn't realize what a huge problem this was and the impact it would have on me over time. Big mistakes." Ahh the catch 22 of working hard to earn the love and respect of someone...it drains you down to nothing and the repercussions to yourself and others are deep... i agree, BIG MISTAKE! Finally, 3) "Self blame is BS. Every one of us could have been a better husband/wife in some way, have made mistakes of one sort or another, etc." PERFECTLY stated...’nuf said. Thanks for your well articulated story...you've helped me relate to common threads of a dreadful relationship...that just doesn't have to be… an important life lesson for me: pay attention to the “warning signs”, and instead of collecting the signs and plowing ahead, acknowledge them and accept the fact that we cannot change someone else…only we can change ourselves...and walk away before it's too late.

Not sure if this is the right place but I can relate to all of you here. I am not married, matter of fact it was right around the time we got 'engaged' (he brought me to a mall and told me to pick a ring that was fairly cheap, this was the grand proposal) that I realized this relationship was not going where I wanted t to go. I had gotten pregnant with our son fairly early into our relationship and just made excuses for lack of intimacy, first the pregnancy then I went into a depression and had some health issues in which I gained a lot of weight after I had my son, so I convinced myself I was the reason he was not interested to the point where I couldnt even look at myself. I have lost all the weight and then some. It is now 4 years later, I havent worn my ring in about 2 years. We still live together but I recently moved into a seperate bedroom for the second time. I cant remember the last time we kissed, hugged or even accidentaly brushed past each other. I simply cannot live like this anymore. I would rather be alone than commited and lonely, feeling as if I am so repulsive that I cannot be touched. We never had any line of communication either and he uses our son as a go between, "ask Mommy if ...fill in the blank" or we just ignore each other completely. I have many more health issues and am unable to work, making it impossibile for me to physically leave so we live on seperate sides of the house pretending all is normal, yet I feel so empty inside and my poor son is stuck in the middle spending his days with mommy and nights with daddy in is bedroom. It does feel semi comforting to know there are other people out there in the same situation.

Good insight unfortunately everyone here is past the first mistake, as far as staying for the kids yep did that too. Curious to know if the plan you are working on is to fix it or end it?<br />
I am working on the ending it can say he is not on board. I think more fear of being alone than anything he is angry we have grown so far apart but like you said it effects everything. Wish you the best of luck.

I'll be very interested in hearing your story.

Yeah, I'm pretty damn curious how this is going to turn out, too, lol. I will follow up with more details and results.

Thanks everyone for the kind words, comments, and replies. They are of course appreciated.

I can only wish you nothing but luck. I wish more people here saw things the way you do.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Just one lilcorrection...<br />
when it's yours,<br />
no thoughts/feelings are<br />
trite or boring.....<br />
Thanks for the wise words...<br />
for me a liltoolate<br />
like 10 years,<br />
but for others?<br />
verrry wise......<br />
wishing you the best, Pete,<br />
joyinthejourney, clg

More power to ya, pete!<br />
<br />
See you on the other side :)

Good for you. It sounds like you've done the angsty, hand-wringing thing already. You've done a lot of the thinking and the self-blame and come through the other side. <br />
<br />
I loved this: <br />
<br />
"Why intimacy was always such a struggle just puzzled me, but I thought over time trust would grow and intimacy with it. <br />
<br />
I didn't see this as "wanting to change someone" in the usual sense. I think it's just hard to comprehend an aversion to intimacy. It's hard not to believe it's a basic need for everyone. That's just not the case. I also didn't realize what a huge problem this was and the impact it would have on me over time. Big mistakes."<br />
<br />
If I could tell my 26 year old self anything - it would be this.

Perhaps you should read "Marriage Fitness" by Mort Fertel. I only suggest this because after all the therapy in the world, digging up your problems and looking at them doesn't build love. It just reminds you of all the reasons to give up.

Weirdly, this is one of the ONLY books out there on how to do it right. I've known most of the stuff in there long before he wrote the book, but sound advice, is sound advice. Use what you can... see what happens. The most important thing to remember? You can't move forward if you're driving with the rear view mirror. Now is all there is.

Marriage fitness requires a partner. I don't have one. Just to give you an example. My H today came to me with a work problem and asked my advice. I was willing to listen to the problem. I began with a possible interpretation...."It sounds to me like co-worker X is aggrieved..." He gets very angry and agitated and tells me I'm wrong, talks over me and is generally a bit abusive.

And that's a pretty typical response to EVERYTHING.

Sounds like you need someone to listen to you, not the other way around. I'm sorry to hear the undertone of "I've been trying so long and nothing seems to make a difference." My gut response here is to give you a hug, or a squeeze on the arm, whatever makes you feel less disconnected. Something that can convey the feeling that I do care, even about people I know little about. It's my one strong suit, and right now I'd like to wrap you up in it, even if just to remind you that you're here, you're real, and you matter.

HaHa here i s a snippet from an unbelievably ugly and hate filled missive to our marriage counselor from my *******:

_________ (my name) is EITHER:
"The most evil, miserable, screwed-up creature that was ever put on this planet
OR She is a total moron."

Nice choice right?

He goes on..."The most common question I ask here is 'Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?' I never get an answer from her."

I never answer because I would be wrong.

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