Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad

Credits of course to my hyper-melodramatic teen idol Meatloaf, and his lyric: "I want you, I need you but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you, so don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad." For the ILIASM crowd, want, need and love are our stock in trade. 

But I have a different trilogy to offer up for comment: Sexuality, Marriage, and Authenticity: You can have two out of three, and maybe that ain't so bad.  But the ***** is, you probably can't have all three, or at least, that has not been the real experience of most of you and me up to this point in our lives. 

I offer my case in point. 

Sexuality: after more than a decade of a sexless marriage, I consciously opted to become a practicing heterosexual again.  It was like coming out of the closet, screaming (silently and discretely of course): "I'm a sex person!" I started having an affair. I rediscovered one of my favorite parts of myself: I'm a sexual, sensual, intimate, loving person.  My girlfriend will wear me out physically and then cuddle till we sleep. That's both the sex and intimacy that we in ILIASM have been denied.  I joined the Sexless Liberation Front  (thanks for the invite Mary Ryan).  

Marriage: thirty some years now, and while the sexuality dwindled and died quite awhile ago, a lifetime of important connections have grown: a child, a house, complicated and good interconnections of family, friends, work, and life.  Thanks to Boy Scouts and church, the basic premises of which I have rejected but whose core values I have integrated, I remain "trustworthy, loyal, kind, etc." and mainly "responsible" and "committed."  

Authenticity. I have followed Nefundus' admirable quest for authenticity and sexuality within his marriage. Regardless of how it turns out for him (or me), the lure of authenticity is strong. I'd like to be as honest with others as I am with myself. As you can guess, I've got two out of three: sexuality and marriage. I don’t have the third: authenticity.  I have zero feelings of guilt, but I generally like to be an open and honest person, and I don’t have that.   My ILIASM friends wisely advise me that unless I'm actually looking for a divorce, confessing an affair may make you feel better but is not a nice thing to do.   

Others may choose another two of the trilogy:  If you choose sexuality and honesty, you can kiss the marriage goodbye. If you want marriage and authenticity, you can kiss your sexuality goodbye (and that is dishonest in another way: you can't put the sexual genie back in the bottle once you've let him/her out).  Perhaps a third way is to sacrifice and marriage and the immediate sexuality and become a searcher of "the one" that will somehow bring it all back together again.  Good luck with that. 

RobbWarren RobbWarren
56-60, M
6 Responses Aug 28, 2012

Hi Robb , every word you said I agreed with, my posistion is , well I dont know I am the one who got the man 10 years younger than me who fufilled all my dreams sexually after a break up of my marriage, a man now who does not come near me, a kiss hello or goodbye, tells me he loves me so much could not live without me and I am still the best thing that has happened to him , after a long time of aproaching him for sex or to be held whatever way you want to put it, he used to respond, now I have given up doing that as he started to roar how tired he was. I have totaly given up now and dont approach him so there is nothing, you know the real bad thing about this is he is only home one week of the month, and know I dont think he is cheating, he has just got lazy and then to that fact I have to , what do I do I have not a clue, sometime I think I am too old and dont care, if he doesnt I dont so hence the sexless marriage. I dont feel I should have to pester a man to have sex with me ., no more than you should your wife.

One more thing about "authentic"<br />
<br />
It carries with it a connotation of high mindedness / personal growth / great person / (insert wonderful quality of your own choosing here).<br />
<br />
It ain't necessarily so. One can be an "authentic" *****.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Once you stop searching for "the one" is when you are living your authentic life. No other person can "bring it all back together" except you. Now at any point and time that picture might look a little different for different people. It might even take an illicit affair *GASP* while you are still being responsible and committed to a marriage.

I think you've integrated the Boy Scout bit rather too well, and possibly are expecting too much from authenticity, in the sense that it would necessarily be expressed to other people.<br />
<br />
I hope I've worked through some of these things too, and I do not think the authenticity with yourself is something you can give up, because your wonderful mind takes over whatever rationalising and being responsible tell us.<br />
<br />
That leaves what to express with others. And yes, it's very corrosive not to express what you feel with your lover, and that perhaps is what ultimately lead me to confront the issue openly. Yet I would not feel guilty if I had been put in a spot where it was not in anyone's interests to be open - that is not your responsibility. It's a kind of recognition that your marriage is damaged or defective in an important way - that you've rectified. It's not a reason to damage the rest of it, unless you want to.

I have found that being true to myself is SO much harder than maintaining the status quo. It has been hard, but oh so satisfying. If the very one you pledged your heart and faith to doesn't seem to care while you suffer....? Think about it this way: if you were ill, and in need of something, let's say a glass of water, and your "beloved" KNEW that you needed some water....but then said, "well, it's not convenient right now for me to bring you a glass of water, but maybe later I might....?" NO THANKS, when the water comes, after you are recovered. "NOW I can get my own glass of water, you jackass...." Being loved and respected means somrthing different than this scenario

Being authentic trumps everything else - in my opinion.<br />
<br />
"Anyone" can get sex.<br />
"Anyone" can get married.<br />
Not everyone can be, or will take on being their "authentic self". That is the hardest thing in life to do, to be, to live. Not co-incidently, it is also the most rewarding.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.