Recovering Self-esteem/ More Side Effects Of Sexless Marriage

One of the worst things about a SM is that it destroys your self esteem. Being out now for three whole months, and starting to go to college, I'm noticing that my self esteem is recovering. Part of it is a change of viewpoint. But I think the large of it is simply that I am not criticized on a daily basis, nor am I feeling rejected by anyone.

And it made me notice some things.

As I've been a low-self esteem person for awhile (thank you, ex wife), it attracts friends who like to talk down to you, who like to put you down. Funny, when you have low self esteem, their comments are comical, and feel like an affirmation of what you already feel to be true.

But when your self esteem changes, at first, the comments cut. Then, you wake up, and realize that you are not surrounded by people trying to be a friend, but by people who enjoy cutting you down because it makes them feel powerful.

And quickly, you realize - I don't need friends like that! Not one ever loving bit. How is it I was friends with these people?

To me it was a wake up call. Having faith in yourself, and looking at the positive aspects of your decisions makes a real difference in your life. I feel I often put up with less than I needed because I didn't think I deserved any better. After all, my post-wedding adult life has been one where I was surrounded by such friends.

But it works like this - when you have low self esteem, you attract people that reinforce that image.

This is the first time in my life where I have said, "all right, that's it, I don't want ANYTHING to do with these people! They are bad for me."

I remember someone here once said that people with high self esteem will simply cut out people that bring negativity into their life. For the first time, I'm not willing to put up with a bunch a baloney just because someone will be/has been my friend. Three strikes, you are OUT.

The more I think about it, the more I feel liberated by severing those ties. I've got too much positive energy for friends that put me down, dragging my mind back time and again to places where I feel like a failure - when really, I did everything in a positive way.

Other side effects - my memory is increasing. My sex drive, after some fluctuations (seems to go into overdrive during a change of environment...) has evened out and returned to normal, and slowly, I feel less and less like a needy person. The occasional fits sorrow are massively diminished, I've not shed a tear (or needed to) for several weeks. Anger is occasional and random, and not even about my marriage anymore, but about something else, and it is slowly fading into the background of a fresh start.

In short, I don't feel like the old me. I feel like a better me.
FilteringMachine FilteringMachine
31-35, M
15 Responses Aug 29, 2012

sorry to hear that people need sex to survive its like water without it your dried up and musty

Being around negative people sucks all the positive energy right out of you.

Glad you are doing well. Good for you!! :D

I was in a sexless marriage for many. Years, he used to make the exuse that it was the medication he was on. This of course is true in many cases. It's hard when you love that person, but you have wants and needs just like anyone. My story hasn't a happy ending unfortunately. In short I felt very depressed and had no self asteem. After many flings which were very exciting and naturally made Me feel like a woman again I made the hard decision to say enough was enough, my marriage had at sometimes been very abusive, I said I wanted a trial seperation. This I do regret much now as my manic dpressive husband tried many times to commit suicide and even after councelling succeded seven years ago. Think the morale to the story is be careful what you wish for ! It's a difficult tricky situation .

Please, please do not continue to blame yourself for his suicide. He proved only that he was an idiot and a coward when he took his own life. That is between God and him and I am convinced that it is not going well for him where he is now.
Unfortunately, it is too late to wish and pray that he had sought and received effective treatment for his mental issues. I wish that you had said that you had sought help for your feelings of guilt for his death. You must not let him ruin your life now and in the future.

Can someone anyone tell me what sex is like virgin here

Well, when it is good, it is pretty much the best thing on earth. The most important thing is the shared intimacy and vulnerability, and the connection it brings. I highly recommend having LOTS of it. If you are with a girl for a length of time (say, more than a month or so), and she does not want to have sex with you, break up and move on. Life is too short.

It sounds like you are recovering your life and reclaiming your right to be happy~ that's a beautiful thing and inspirational~

I was in a sexless marriage for years... Ok a few times a year but not enough to feel as though I was satisfied. I had kids and so I stuck it out. Finally a year ago I took a job that took me away from my life(out of the coountry). It was scary but exciting. Leaving the children was the toughest part but I get to see them every 3 months. I have now been seperated for over a year and have every intention on finalizing the divorce. I found the courage to say that I need more than a marriage. I needed to be fullfilled. I wondered if it was me but I quickly realized that it wasn't. I got involved with someone else and even though there is no chances for a long term relationship, I have found more satisfaction in this short term relationship than I got in 18 years of marriage. I am nearly 40 years old and I feel more alive now than I have in my entire life. I am ready to start over. I would rather be alone than to spend another day in a loveless marriage.

Your story made me realize how beneficial my recent history has been because of its positive impact upon my self esteem. My marriage has been completely sexless for two years, but the lack of sex has been nearly complete for at least five years. <br />
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Finally, I decided things had to change or I would die. I found a girlfriend who gives me the sex that I have been yearning for, even though I can't see her more than once a month. Immediately, my self esteem went through the roof. I noticed a feeling of having escaped from a dark prison and my long lost confidence returned. It actually seemed that I stood up straighter too. Once again I felt like engaging in healthy outdoor activities like hiking and I have been losing weight. Now, it is clear that I was depressed and miserable. <br />
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I don't feel guilty. I just feel better. And the most amazing thing has happened. Since my healthy attitude has returned, and with some of the ideas I've picked up on this site, I even feel that there may be real hope of restablishing a satisfying sex life with wife.

What tips are those?

How does your girlfriend feel about igniting your desire for your wife. Bet she is glad to help you out.

uh, wtf?

It is complicated and I can't explain enough, but my girlfriend does not have a problem with whatever happens with my wife.

In response to FilteringMachine's question about tips: Justfindingme and hannah24 were two who wrote some of the most helpful comments but I can not remember all those who contributed to changing my attitude.

2 More Responses

Excellent post. Don't know who you were before, but hearing the person you are becoming is encouraging.

I was rather a big deal. Suffered massive loss of status, and it has taken some adjusting.

I am on the sidelines...<br />
you on....<br />
yayyyyy!!!!<br />
joyinthejourney, clg

A relative enlightened me about a group dynamic related to a game situation I did not understand. He made the analogy to poker. Every poker game has a patsy at the table. If you do not know who the patsy is, then *you* are the patsy.<br />
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Our SMs strike me as a lot like poker. We, the refused, are the patsies at the table. Until we find our way here and start changing. Yet another milestone of awakening along my own path.

Damn! I am jealous!

Just to clarify - this story is not concerning anyone here at EP.

Glad to her it, FM. Been through it myself. You'll be surprised how much better and stronger you feel every day. That's not to say there will not be back slides now and then but you are on the right trajectory. Keep going.

"I don't feel like the old me. I feel like a better me." <br />
That's VERY good to hear. You're going to be OK.

Hehe, I passed OK at least a week ago!