A Good Catch Indeed!

I find myself thinking back about comments made by W or her mom that should have set off alarm bells in my head, telling me to run away. Her mom always referred to me as "A Good Catch", even still to this day. Well, I do feel like I was caught, like a large mouth bass with a beautiful spinner bait. Once landed and in the boat, no further casting required, close the tackle box tightly.

W joked after we married, she often thought before we met, she was never going to meet anyone and thought she would have to join a convent!  It's my misfortune she didn't heed the calling!

Any comments come to mind that should have set off the warning sirens for you? 
onthebench onthebench
56-60, M
12 Responses Aug 29, 2012

Well, shoot! Now I really feel dumb, because my warning signs weren't cryptic at all - I was just an idiot. Let's see...

1. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth once very early on in our relationship. My future H was waiting for me in bed, and he shouted to me enthusiastically, "I hope you like a lot of sex!" And after I said, "Praise Jesus!" and crossed myself, it occurred to me to ask him what he considered "a lot of sex". Once a week at least, he said. I had a bad moment while I did some math around that: Less than once a day is a hardship for me, but once a week is more than the zero I'm getting now. I figured we'd eventually be able to meet somewhere in the middle. Hahahaha... :)

2. He always used to start without me. Big warning sign that I wasn't really, you know, essential to his process.

3. This should have been the capper, but see "idiot" above. "Gee, hon - you don't mind if I just flip through this **** magazine while we're doing it, do you? Here, I'll just put it right above your head, where it won't be in the way at all, and I can flip through it at my leisure." I guess I'm lucky he didn't put it right over my face.

Yet 24 years later, I'm still here. Yeah, see "idiot" above.

kimberly62, I also attended marriage prep classes -- Catholic, yes? I was not Catholic. Hell, I didn't even want to get married in a church, but I acquiesced. I said, "Fine, but no communion." It was recommended that we abstain from sex (we had already been living together for about 2 1/2+ years) until after the wedding. I don't recall how long that was from the classes until the wedding. Lame.

Can you set yourself free?

Ubetcha. When H & I were first dating, he took care of all cooking and things domestic. Fast forward to his refusal of a long=distance engagement & move to be with me as I took a new job. We're driving along, talking about something, when he says, "I'm not going to do this forever," referring to his overall willingness to take care of us while I got my career started. It had the ring of truth. I locked him out of my apartment while I thought good and hard about what I had gotten myself into. But hey, here he had moved physically, and moved a small mountain to get his own training program switched to my location. And without him, I was utterly alone and at a job that was far less than optimal. So I went ahead.<br />
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During this time, he would also tell me what we should do before I had the opportunity to form my own opinions about things. It was irritating that he would jump in so quickly before I had thought things through on my own. Or that he would dismiss my assessment of a situation. But hey, he certainly had been more successful in life than I had. It spoke volumes of his tendency to do just what he wanted without feeling any need to compromise.

OMG, YES!!! I was so young and dumb! He was disrespectful towards his mother at times; today he does not call her often....now, I know that he does love her...but, he also supposedly "loves" me....I think he's always had issues with being bossed by women (the way he grew up..dysfunctional family, large family, raised by grandmother, mother and aunts...)....I think he has quite a disdain of women..or perhaps a fear of them? At 20 you don't see these things..too bad I didn't see it at 32 when we FINALLY tied the knot either (even THAT was my idea!!!)...omg...

The comments from my soon to be sister in law about their narcissistic controlling pants wearing mother, followed up with your soon to be wife is much like her.

Well - When we got married my wife is a very conservative Christian (I am too but not to that extent) She was also definitely a Virgin.... Sex never occurred while dating and she acted as if it wa not an issue...... I always thought that after we were married she would warm up to sex (you know experiance an ******) Well 23 years later she is still overly conservative and Sex is infrequent..... So much for the try it you'll like it therory....

A week after I was married my wife refused to perform oral sex, as she had done frequently while we dated, because "we're married now." A quarter of a century later.......she meant it!<br />
I did not heed that warning and should have.

"Nobody in my family gets divorced." <br />
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And there might have been a comment about a shotgun.

Well, to be a bit flippant - your wife did heed the calling, but without the early morning vespers & she got a comfortable bed too. And even worse, the tackle box closed on your ****.<br />
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I agree in retrospect there are usually some glaring warning bells that we wish we'd listened to. One thing that became clear to me was the relationship between her parents and the way in which her mom was the boss, and also had a crazy focus on the kids. W essentially repeated those patterns.

Yes, she does - now. And in fact it's been an important motivator for her in changing, becaue she, at least intellectually, does not want to follow what her mom did. And that has provided her with a consistent set of values so that she now sticks to the new path. But it's very easy to slip into repeating the past, it kind-of goes in under the radar, the signals don't seem to be there saying - this is madness.

Yes. Her mother's behavior and attitude(s) toward marriage and what was instilled in her daughter as to what a male-female relationship was all about.<br />
It sounds like maybe they were close?<br />
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"Catch" is a funny word. It can mean to snare (I caught him in my lair) ; to entangle (I caught his life up hopelessly into mine), to trick or deceive (He didn't get caught in my scheme. Damn it.)<br />
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It can also mean to become aware, to understand or perceive (I caught on) and, among others, to check oneself (I caught myself before I made that mistake again).<br />
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Words are important - I always pay attention to them.<br />
They cannot be retracted; they're out there for the world to see (and hear) and may not be forgotten.<br />
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That "joke". Did it feel like a sucker punch? It sounded like one.

The convent comment... any woman who says she should've joined a convent has considered a completely sex-free life. Run!!!

Uhhh....not really.

Let me rephrase that. "Not always." I'm Catholic.