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Torn

My H left almost 5 weeks ago, at my request. At first I was euphoric, and just relieved. He normally travels a lot, so it wasn't that weird. But the longer time goes on, the more the reality sinks in and I am SAD. I asked him to come back and pack his stuff up while I am away in September, but now I'm starting to freak out. Am I really ready for that so soon? Should I wait? If so, for what? I'm really torn. I want to get out of this apartment and away from all the memories. But I'm scared of the finality of him moving out.

I've done so much reading here and about passive aggression---whoa, he is a classic case! I wish I had understood that before. Now I have more clarity about WHY. All these things that mystified me about his behavior now make sense as part of his PA. I feel betrayed though by his buried anger and left to wonder if even the good memories are true? Actually, in many ways we had a very good relationship. And in many ways he is a terrific, loving, affectionate person. I miss him.

I don't however miss the last 5 years. I guess he never really recovered from his big depression in 2007, which exacerbated all of his PA tendencies to the max. I definitely don't want to go back to the way things were. The PA caused the SM. Could the PA be fixed? Would that fix the SM? How long would it take? Could I really put up with the process of fixing it?

He is still in CA, and tells me (via email) that he is working really hard on his anger issues and figuring out his ****---therapy, books, etc. We are supposed to talk on the 8th. In the meantime, the friend I've been flirting with for months arrives Saturday for a 5 day (sex-filled) visit!

Maybe I should wait until I see how I feel post-sexathon to decide how I feel about my H moving out permanently? Maybe I should wait until I am back in October? Am I rushing things?

TORN.

nyartgal nyartgal 36-40, F 14 Responses Aug 30, 2012

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I may be in the minority, but I think you should wait until you are divorced to start something new. It isn't really fair to the new guy, your soon to be ex, or you really. Make sure this is what you want, then when it is, go full steam ahead and claim your life...but don't do it in a sloppy, cheap way that you may regret later....totally my opinion~

You had the balls now you are going to get a chance to use the balls after that decide which balls you prefer smile

Don't lose this golden opportunity to free yourself. The mind plays tricks and you remember good times vividly while forgetting the bad. He cannot change. When you are able to see that the "good guy" H and the horrifically awful H are the same person and you can't keep one without the other and you can't unload one without the other, then you will be free.

I went through the exact same thing when I broke up with my spouse. <br />
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It was so hard to accept the finality of the split. We had tried so long and hard. He wanted to come back. So, in a moment of weakness, I let him move back in.<br />
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MISTAKE. BIG MISTAKE.<br />
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I knew that it was the wrong thing even when I did it. But, I couldn't quite let go. So, I went another three months playing pretend. Finally, I just stated the obvious and said we were never going to work. Two months later I moved out to let him clear out his things. <br />
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Took two full years to complete the break up.<br />
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Let him move out. It may hurt, and the reality may feel overwhelming and scary but you only will be prolonging the inevitable. Hang tough. You are almost to the other side. <br />
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And, It is pretty wonderful over here :)

The tax years in question just HAPPEN to coincide with his clinical depression and his anger towards me because I made him go to a shrink for it. I forced him to deal with the fact that 1. his business was going under 2. his mother is a toxic textbook narcissist and 3. he was really depressed. And treating me like crap. And we weren't having sex. ALL DURING THIS EXACT PERIOD. Paging Dr. Freud!

And I didn't WANT to force him---I wanted him to deal with it like an adult. But he refused to, and I couldn't live with him not dealing with his life crumbling around us. We were so broke my parents brought us tubs of canned goods! So how do I owe $5K from that period????

If he had a failing business that could explain it. There may be penalties and interest attached. That adds up fast!

Lawyer and accountant. Now.

That tax screw up ought to be the final nail in the coffin on any ponderings you might be entertaining of his "turn around".<br />
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Yep the joint filing puts YOU on the hook for it all. And of course he KNOWS that.<br />
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To my mind this is even worse behavior than all that other ****!

I agree with this. Wholeheartily.

Ok, JUST when I started softening a bit, I open two letters from the IRS last night that say I owe thousands of dollars in back taxes from 2008/9---taxes I've asked him about for YEARS that he promised me our accountant was working on!!! It's doubly absurd because we file jointly and I didn't make ANY money during those years. His passive aggression is so deep. WTF??? He wants me to trust him that he's "working on himself." How can I possibly believe him when he lies to me and hides things like this?????

He also didn't make any money during that period because he was out of a job for most of it. So what is this??

Mysteries abound.

This little piece of not watching out for your back ought to get your head snapped back on correctly - if the paucity of love didn't kill your love dead then I tell you what - nothing will dry up the ***** like a man who ***** around with your livelihood and basic security by NOT paying the tax bill. Had enough yet?

You have a lawyer, right? If not, find yourself one immediately.

Good idea. There is a "Innocent Spouse" clause that you might investigate with respect to the IRS and joint filings to see if it is applicable in your case (or if it even still exists!). There might also be other financial surprises, as VB alluded to, waiting for you to discover.

You said "I asked him to come back and pack his stuff up while I am away in September...". Yeah. But remove any of your important documents or valuables to a safe place before you go away. Unless you've already decided to change the locks..... Lawyer. Now.

This is turning into a nightmare, omg. I don't think he would steal anything from me, but who knows anymore?

He stole how many years of your life?

Look at it this way: if they were completely sane, reasonable, loving people ... chances are we wouldn't be here in ILIASM. Now that you've flung down the "separation" gauntlet, strap in and be prepared (as best you can) for all kinds of surprises. While presenting a polite, reasonable, cooperative face to him.

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I think - no matter how bad things are in a marriage - it is a sad day when it ends. Mine was text book alcoholic-anger-issue-horrid...and yet I cried. <br />
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It is SAD. It is normal to be SAD. All I can tell you is that it gets better. It ebbs and flows.<br />
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It is one of those things that takes time to heal...and you need to just let it be. Let it come and go. Don't pick at it. Like any wound...it won't heal if you pick at it.

Thanks, yes I think you're right, I've been kind of stewing about it because of the apartment stuff---knowing I'll come back from a month in Europe and all his stuff will be gone. I need some distraction! Good thing I'm about to get some, on every level.

It takes time to adjust to the departure of ANYONE from your life. Give it some time. Don't rush to make additional life-changing decisions; just let the current ones settle for a while. And remember, no one (?) in ILIASM who split up has any regrets. <br />
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Have fun on your upcoming ... vacation. : )

Do you think I should wait to move out of this apt? I've wanted to for YEARS, but we were waiting for our finances to improve due. Mine are good, so that's no longer an issue. I really do think I'll be happier away from all these memories...

If YOU have wanted for years to move to a different place, then you should do that. Life YOUR life.

Yes. I've lived here for 12 years, before he and I even met. The place is falling apart and my landlord won't fix it. It's really depressing and I want a fresh start. So much bad juju in these rooms...

Yes, based on your situation, I think moving might offer a more clear vantage point for you. We need emblems in our lives to mark the milestones, where we've changed. And whether you get back together with him or not, you both need to integrate again as wholly seperate, independent people. Then, from a place of strength and independence, you can decide what to add to your life and invite in, rather than restoring the old.

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If other accounts are anything to go by, talking with him again will remind you in short order exactly why you are no longer with him, and that you made a great choice.<br />
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IF he reinvents himself, and proves that over a period of years, then it might be OK to treat him the same as any other potential suitor.

Agreed. I need to move on, it's obvious.

Yes. The more it sinks in. I had a good week or so of crushing grief. If it hadn't been for a special person here on EP I don't know if I would of made it. Really got suicidal for a day or two. And the lack of sleep got very difficult after a few days. Yet eventually I climbed out of it. You will too. <br />
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Be very careful about letting him back into your life. Basically don't. At most allow for a legal separation and get to a place were you are on an even keel. But I doubt you should turn back at this point if ever.

Thanks, you may be right. I guess I shouldn't second guess myself. It's so hard to love someone do much and still have to end it.

His personality is what it is. Take him back in and you can plan on more of the same.<br />
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On the other hand a legal separation for a time fr<x>ame for the both of you to work on yourselfs and then do some couple counseling would be the only way i personally would try and work on thing's.<br />
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It is said if a passive aggressive person admits to the problem they can get better. However you would need the tools to set him strait when he pulls his crap. Tough deal good luck!

Thanks!! I hope for his sake he does get better, because that's a miserable headspace to occupy.

5 days of rooting will likely give you a different perspective on this whole thing.<br />
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Your real impediment here is your spouse. You are still thinking of "what could be".<br />
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Consider this -<br />
- if he is diligently working on his many assorted issues you are looking at a looooong time fr<x>ame before he becomes this person you think he "could be" - IF indeed that ever happens. That time fr<x>ame will most definitely NOT fit in with a date of Sep 8th 2012. You'd be lucky if it fitted in with a date of Sep 8th 2013, or 2014.<br />
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I reckon you need to scrub husband from your short and medium term thinking. If, (that is IF) at some time in the future, he makes these changes in himself he claims to be pursuing, and IF he was available at that time, and IF you were available at that time, well THEN who's to know what might happen. THEN. That's then (maybe), not NOW.<br />
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Meantime, you have to get on with your life, managing what the facts are in the here and now. Short term, that appears likely to involve being impaled by an enthusiastic phallus. That will do you no harm whatsoever. Might help with a bit of clarity afterward too.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Hahaha I LOVE the phrase "being impaled by an enthusiastic phallus" and hope you don't mind if I share it with the owner of said organ.

I think you are exactly right about the timeline. I've told my H throughout this, don't do it for ME. Figure out your issues for yourself. Whatever happens with us, I want you to be happy.

I suppose I'm losing my nerve a bit, but I think I can get it back. This has been a very hard year for me in which every aspect of my life---besides my apt---has changed completely. Some of it for much better! Perhaps the dissolution of the household and moving is the last piece.

Thank you.

If you are already sleeping with someone else cut him loose completely. It is natural to be sad after a break up regardless of who or what caused it.<br />
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There is a healing process involved in all this and being sad is part of that process. Eventually you will pass the sadness as well. To disrupt this process now means you have to go through all the emotions again later.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

I have a feeling you are completely right. I need to see this through. If my H manages to figure his **** out down the road, maybe I'll fall in love with him all over again. Or not.