TornMy H left almost 5 weeks ago, at my request. At first I was euphoric, and just relieved. He normally travels a lot, so it wasn't that weird. But the longer time goes on, the more the reality sinks in and I am SAD. I asked him to come back and pack his stuff up while I am away in September, but now I'm starting to freak out. Am I really ready for that so soon? Should I wait? If so, for what? I'm really torn. I want to get out of this apartment and away from all the memories. But I'm scared of the finality of him moving out.
I've done so much reading here and about passive aggression---whoa, he is a classic case! I wish I had understood that before. Now I have more clarity about WHY. All these things that mystified me about his behavior now make sense as part of his PA. I feel betrayed though by his buried anger and left to wonder if even the good memories are true? Actually, in many ways we had a very good relationship. And in many ways he is a terrific, loving, affectionate person. I miss him.
I don't however miss the last 5 years. I guess he never really recovered from his big depression in 2007, which exacerbated all of his PA tendencies to the max. I definitely don't want to go back to the way things were. The PA caused the SM. Could the PA be fixed? Would that fix the SM? How long would it take? Could I really put up with the process of fixing it?
He is still in CA, and tells me (via email) that he is working really hard on his anger issues and figuring out his ****---therapy, books, etc. We are supposed to talk on the 8th. In the meantime, the friend I've been flirting with for months arrives Saturday for a 5 day (sex-filled) visit!
Maybe I should wait until I see how I feel post-sexathon to decide how I feel about my H moving out permanently? Maybe I should wait until I am back in October? Am I rushing things?
nyartgal 36-40, F 14 Responses 3 Aug 30, 2012