The Changing TidesThe last two months have been filled with change. I have been here for 15 months and I am tired. Really. Tired of hashing it out, pleading and begging for things to change. Tired of wondering why he doesn't want to change, why he'd rather play tennis and is not interested in sex. There are many reasons why this is a great site, but one that has been invaluable to me is to write my stories, get feedback and then decide the hell with it. I am at the latter stage.
So we have slept in separate rooms for two months, gone to our separate attorneys, started new bank accounts, gotten credit scores and appraisals. I have been house hunting. And as I swung outside this afternoon watching the the traffic go by I thought "I'm happy."
I am happy even though I will be leaving the comfortable house I can't afford with the buyout. Happy to live off my meager hourly wage (and his alimony for awhile),happy to deal with the friends of ours who will be blown away, and even be happy to finally tell our beautiful kids. I will most likely be three miles away with more custody. Not much, but a little. I am happy not to constantly be thinking of our relationship and not to go to bed lonely. Now, I just go to bed alone.
My STBX and I are getting along better. In fact, we get along so well it is a shame we will be apart. But we are both relieved. I am relieved because my heart feels free. He is relieved because he is not held accountable. I am seeing the nice side of him. Not the controlling, vindictive side that doesn't know why he dislikes any form of intimacy. He just doesn't.
I went to the bank today to cash my check into MY new bank account. I had just gone to MY attorney's office, before I met MY real estate agent to look at more houses. And who do I see standing two people in front of me but my STBX. He waved. I smiled. I was seeing a friend, but not a husband. I hate to say that he doesn't love me, but he doesn't. He is relieved for it to be over.
Next week we will hash it out with the lawyers and hopefully be officially separating in October. I honestly can't believe I feel this good about change.