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Extramarital Monagamy

Valid concept? Risky minefield? Time honored tradition (look at historical royal families)? Ethical disaster? Evil, ungodly decision? Successful resolution of a serious problem? Fantasy trip that will ultimately fail ? what do you think of the idea that two very nice and kind people can maintain an extramarital relationship which is sexually monagamous?

dayhiker12321 dayhiker12321 46-50, F 22 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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"...two very nice and kind people"

I assume you're referring to yourself and a willing participant?

OK, besides questioning your choice of words, I'll provide this: yep, it can work...PROVIDING you enjoy splitting your time between two men, PROVIDING you can keep a secret, PROVIDING you're prepared to live a double life.

Yes, the arrangement raises all sorts of ethical questions. Never mind lying to the spouse(s) who aren't respecting your needs...you'll be lying to friends, coworkers, parents, etc. It's success depends entirely on you and your partner, and how hell bent you are on keeping the fallacy of your existing marriage(s) afloat.

Good luck :)

Being honest I wish I could find a woman to share intimacy say twice a year just to hold a woman again and to kiss her would be fantastic.

It would take two people that know each other very well to make it work. There would have to be a chemistry and everything would have to be almost perfect for it to work over a long period of time.

Well, there's "Same Time Next Year" with Alan Alda....

Spencer Tracy and a famous actress (can`t remember her name) had a 30 year affair.

You can't remember Katherine Hepburn????? Say it ain't so, Joe!

I was going to say Maurine Ohara.

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That was an ideal in the medieval French courtly romance....

how many people in a sexless marriage are fearful of suggesting/asking there partner if this is an option for the one who needs intimacy. if your marriage partner wants to be celebate for what ever reason they should not expect you to be celebate also. thats selfesh

Same contemplation in my mind....if you have been pushed to this level to even think about this route then by theory the rules/contract of marriage has been violated by the other party in terms of lack of intimacy, sex, love, friendship or all...then why should a ethical or moral dilema persist. By rules of nature humans are not meant to withstand this withdrawl for long periods of time. It may have serious consiquences but by all means those would have been chosen by you. I have been in this situation for around four years now and still debate this issue. Maybe I am holding on to a false hope!

Your opinion, whatever that opinion might be, is a perfectly valid opinion - for you.<br />
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There is no "right" (or "wrong") position on this, just yours. Your opinion might co-incide with most other peoples, it might not. Doesn't matter.<br />
If your opinion co-incides with your spouses opinion, then you have it made in the shade. If it doesn't, then you have a HUGE problem.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Ok i'll bite. What is my huge problem?

Bearing in mind i am someone who would have preferred to remain monagamous with my husband, except we havent had sex in going on three years now, because he cant and because our relationship dynamic is just not that conducive to creativity and alternative methods. He is not someone who could ever agree with an open marriage. He does not currently want a divorce. I do not want him out of my life. I do need sex and am willing to risk a blowout. So i have a lot of huge problems really. I just dont see how telling him will improve things....

The use of "you" was pejorative. My post was simply pointing out that if the two spouses are in agreement about the level of sexual expression in the marriage (be that the spillage of ***** every 10 minutes - or no sex what so ever) then there is no problem. Where there is NOT agreement, then there is a HUGE problem. That will manifest itself in its' own way at its' own time. And, it will be ugly.

I am confused. Monogamy to your spouse while maintaining a extramarital friendship? Monogamy to your lover, and you stay exclusive in your extramarital affair by only being with one other person?

The second one....

I have no idea. I am not a person who can compartmentalize well.

My ex never would have agreed to that...he was a big believer in monogamous celibacy :)! But, I wouldn't have stayed even if he would have gone along. It was disruptive, extremely painful, and heart wrenching to leave my ex, but it is wonderful to be able to freely pursue my new relationship with no obligations to a dead marriage.

I think a lot of these solutions sound good in theory. Friends with benefits....sex on the side....open relationships. Solutions to keep the marriage intact but allow a person to experience the intimacy they need. In reality, I think they don't work out long term, and just add more problems and bad feelings.

The best bet is to leave. It is easier said then done, I know. But, better to face all the yucky stuff up front and extricate yourself from a bad situation then staying in limbo.

Good luck, sexless marriages suck!

Scared me to death. It has too many possibilities for disaster. 1. You could fall in love with the other person. 2. They could blackmail you. 3.Their boyfriend could beat you up. 4. You could meet them in public with your spouse and all hell break loose. More if I had time to worry.

i think it can work if everyone is open, honest and mature about it. i've encouraged my wife to have intimacy outside the marriage as i can not give her what she needs

Just my opinion here - I don't think it's a sustainable situation. If you truly love your spouse and your boyfriend, then perhaps you are polyamorous. People in poly relationships put a high value in being completely open and honest with all parties involved. I think keeping one relationship a long-term secret is ultimately not healthy. I had to struggle with this very issue not long ago, and what I figured out for myself is that asking my H to have an open marriage was not really about my high libido and getting needs met; I wanted a free pass to be in love with someone else, and I just couldn't do that openly. That's how I knew I wasn't polyamorous. <br />
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True love is a choice - I chose my H when I married him, but the true test of that didn't come until nearly 9 years into marriage. I decided in the end that I had to commit to my choice, even though it was harder at the time and I had to break my own heart to let someone go. I am grateful for the experience of the affair, because of all it taught me and it eventually led me home.

Yes it can! An affair takes patience, trust and restraint. A successful one enhances your life. An obsessive one (on your part or theirs) becomes an emotional roller coaster. Like all relationships, expect to be changed along the way. If those changes are not beneficial to both of you it is time to end it. Without affairs, the course of history could be inherently changed. I refer to FDR and Lucy Mercer; Cleopatra and Anthony; just to name a few. Regarding my own history and my own affair, I wouldn't change one word, act or circumstance. I would have become a woman without passion without an affair, a very sad state indeed!

Exactly!

agreed!

no, it can not. the real issue is intimacy not animal lust or pleasure...************ can deal with the pleasure issue....intimacy and loving contact are whats missing, if you find that elsewhere...it will want to become your dominant, and eventually, your only relationship~

I would agree the risk is there, but am proposing that the people involved here truly have no intention of leaving their spouses and do not even after some months together, have any plans to do so. I do agree with you that ************ is fine but really doesn't replace sex or the need for it. Thank you for the feedback.

youre welcome~ I hope it helps

I'm curious why you're posting this. Back on the 13th you wrote a story about your successful relationships with your husband and lover. Has something changed? What's the true question you'd like to ask? What's the real issue at hand?<br />
Iliasm members all find their own coping mechanisms to the sexless marriages...or they leave. I hope your solution is still satisfying you. Good luck.

Hi peaches, thank you for the good wishes. I am still very happy with my situation, given that it is not ideal. I still beleive the ideal situation is a "normal" marriage except where both parties are blissfully in love. Nothing is changed from my last note, but my consideration of the paradoxical idea of a monagamous affair made me wonder what others might have to say about the idea. I appreciate your questions.

mvcmvc sums it up best. The compartmentalization is tough. Shortly after I began seeing my lover, I started treating my husband differently. Subconsciously, I had probably already made the decision to leave him, in hindsight. I did eventually seek a divorce. Still seeing my lover, though (going on 9 months), and working through the added complexity of our new relationship dynamic.

good for you! What would you say are some ways your relationship changed after you separated from your husband?

Yes, I think it can work out. What I would not give for that to work out for me!

It has worked for me (my husband is aware of my relationship). Going on three years since my lover and I got back together (and we were together 27 years ago for 1.5 years).<br />
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You need to be able to compartmentalize and be real mature about it all. It is NOT a resolution to the core problem - your marriage.<br />
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Some folks can pull this off (mostly those who don't have a lot to lose, have little responsibilities in their lives and lots of free time, and won't mind if their spouse divorces them because the marriage is in roommate and responsible financial partner status anyway).<br />
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I would venture a guess that most people could not gracefully sustain this level of complexity in their lives for a long period of time.

I do think my situation fits the criteria you mention for success. And i do know it does not fix the marriage. But it sure makes life 100% better! Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

"Valid concept? Risky minefield? Time honored tradition (look at historical royal families)? Ethical disaster? Evil, ungodly decision? Successful resolution of a serious problem? Fantasy trip that will ultimately fail?"<br />
<br />
Yes.

Which description do you think is most accurate?

Honestly...I think it's more likely to be the risky minefield and the fantasy trip. I think it's less likely to be an evil, ungodly decision when stuck in a sexless marriage.

But it's a fantasy trip that I indulge in myself, so I'm definitely not throwing any stones. Best of luck to you.

Well if I remember correctly, Spencer Tracy and Kathryn Hepburn had a 30 year affair.

Why Tracy never left Tracy http://tinyurl.com/3kkz6qq
'Three months after John’s diagnosis, Louise finally told Spencer the truth about the boy. ‘He buried his face in his hands,’ she recalled later, ‘and then, after a moment, he said brokenly: “He’ll never be able to say Daddy’’.’ #ChickenOrTheEgg?

On another note I think you have to be the kind of person who can compartmentalize easily - you can look at your marriage as a type of "business relationship" and accept it on those terms. Also, if you're the denied in the relationship I think you must look at the fact that your denier is probably looking at you in this manner. (Money makes strange bedfellows.)

Royal Affairs: A Lusty Romp Through the Extramarital Adventures That Rocked the British Monarchy http://tinyurl.com/dym7ay3

So far, it works for me. Ask me again in another year. Time constraints and comitments make having more than one person in your life a tough act, so for all practical purposes, the monogamy is practical. Building trust is another issue. Still a work in progress after a couple of years.