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Not sure where to put this on here so I thought since there have been responses to my earlier post I would try it here.
I have tried to talk to my wife about how I fell and at the end of each one I do not know if I cut myself short or what I feel as though I made my point and she understands but in fact I am consistently left disappointed that she really does not get it. I am stuck in a position where I am left with the only thing I can do is either beg or put pressure. Well any outcome from the former will not be pleasant for me and the former to be totally honest would not be enjoyable for either. So the question is “is there a balance to be met”.

I am not looking for a miracle cure, I now it is not out there but advice is welcome
LostOrStuck LostOrStuck 36-40, M 6 Responses Sep 3, 2012

Your Response


oh i am so sorry you deserve so much more

Do I?

I think that begging is showing the state of desperation that I am in and the alternatives to seeking this comfort from outside my marriage is something that beggars belief. How did we get here?

Wrong question.... "How did we get here?"

Right question: how do you NOW and GOING FORWARD achieve the satisfaction that you want.

Now, sorry, I have not read all of your posts. Correct, begging is not the answer. There are alternatives to outside of the marriage; anyway, I have found some.

Correct. The probabilty is high that the wife's attitude is so entrenched that nothing, short of taking steps for divorce, will turn this around. So once one accepts that reality (after completing whatever mental checklist the neglected one has in their head - and that varies widely from person to person on how much energy one goes into trying to resolve the issue and how short or long that mental checklist is) then they start with: What do I need to do to get to living a higher quality of life - with, or without said spouse?

I have found that in such situations where the partner does not seem willing or able to fulfill your expectations and make you happy after months or years of serious attempts to convey what you "need," then it is up to YOU and not your partner to create your own happiness. OBVIOULSY, this is not ideal - why a marriage? -, but I believe it is the only alternative.

A big thank you to the both of you for taking the time out to not only read my post but to respond with such insightful comments.

-----"I do not know if I cut myself short or what I feel as though I made my point and she understands but in fact I am consistently left disappointed that she really does not get it."<br />
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I am going to challenge this statement and give you a different interpretation - you have expressed yourself to your wife quite well and what you are consistently left disappointed with is NOT that she really does not get it - SHE DOES GET IT - but that she is not engaging in cooperative behaviors to work with you to resolve this issue.<br />
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Begging and pressure are BOTH ineffective and counterproductive - even the mental health professionals will tell you that.<br />
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The only course of action is to stand your ground, cultivate the habit telling the truth of how you feel on all issues within the context of your marriage - and keep at that - regardless of her actions or inactions to the issue.

Congratulations on expressing your feelings. <br />
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I used to give myself (still do!) a little pat on the back when I had stuck to my ob<x>jectives from the conversation, and expressed how I felt truthfully and as clearly as I could - and this, regardless of the outcome, whether or not she reacted "positively" or not. I also sought to understand her better.<br />
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It is possible to improve your skills at ex<x>pression, assertion and negotiation which will assist (but not ensure any particular outcome). If you can get to a mindset of discovery of what you both want (or don't want), then you have a chance of getting it.<br />
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I also found that desperation, and stopping overplanning it was valuable. When your guts are bleeding on the floor and you're down to bare metal, you may find (or not!) that she gets it a bit better. How she then responds is not in your control.