What You Already Know

Actually, Jackie (the town social worker) suggested we might want to part ways. Carol (my Dr. in NY from the opera) does not even like my wife. I tried to get close last night Filter and it not work. A bit of cuddle but no passion. I woke this morning and thought I could find comfort at my Diner in town...only to walk to the train in tears and back to square one...Glen still seeks the comfort of the tomb.

Wow! This story has gotten a lot of feedback today and yesterday!



Filter, I notice something in this post and some of your others. There's a tendency you have to be very black and white when talking about your ex.



For instance, "That your refuser is not innocent - they often have very specific, evil intentions with their refusals."



Do you actually believe that? Do you think she was cognizant and manipulative enough that she had very specific and evil intentions? I suspect she wasn't aware of it even if she was doing it intentionally. Still a sin, but a sin more of ignorance than of malice I would say. It still hurts like hell, but don't give her greater motivations for causing you hurt than she actually had. I don't think most of our refusers have the emotional energy or time, quite frankly, to put into those kinds of intentions. They are running scared or shutting down to avoid things they fear like true intimacy and vulnerability.



You defended her early on in your stories but you've swung just as far the other way in your more recent ones about her. As much as she used to be "wonderful, the love of your life and you thought you'd never love someone the way you loved her..." now she has evil intentions and did "not care about making you feel loved". That's a big swing from one to the other. Personally I'd like to see you more towards the middle of the seesaw.



Some of that pendulum swing I think is typical as we go through the phases of anger and then acceptance. Just don't get stuck in anger. You're too good a guy to stay stuck there. Don't let your anger be the defining part of your decision to leave and everything else you've accomplished this year. Move forward through the anger to the next phase where you can see her and you both in a more balanced way. Just as it wasn't right for you to have her on a pedestal, it is equally unhealthy to go too far the other way and see her with such negative eyes. It's also equally unrealistic.

If talking does no good but have her giving idle promises get out be4 its too late

You are not unwanted. She just doesn't feel the original sexual tension she had with you when you first entered the relationship with her. Nonetheless, you should really talk it out and not pressure her into anything she does not want. If this doesn't work out, you should really start seeing other people and stop forcing yourself into a monogamous relationship that clearly is not satisfying both parties.

If your marriage has turned sexless look back as to when mine went that way after birth of kids she wasn't interested in any of my advances to the extent of violence she stopped sleeping in same bed PREFERING the SETTEE downstairs i stuck it 4 14years like that then SHE SUED ME FOR DIVORCE on UNREASOJABLE behaviour i wish i countered it now but stil felt for her in my heart & said if that is what she want let her have it looking back i wish i had gotten out a good 10 years sooner then i may have met someone else & not be alone now

Ouch, I'm so sorry you had to live like that.

I'm going to give a different point of view: I am no longer married but I was for 10 years. When we were dating and first married we had a very active sex life. I was in love and would do anything to make him happy. He took it for granted. I was always last on the priority list. We would have a date night planned and he would never come home from work. I would sit home waiting. He also criticized every move I made. This went on for years and the resentment kept building. After awhile I couldn't stand the sight of him, the thought of him touching me made my skin crawl. He would get angry and hurt because I didn't want to have sex with him. The fact was that I lost all sexual feelings for him. If you are in a sexless marriage you may want to look at your day to day interactions, not just in the bedroom. It's not too late to fix things. In my case it was

Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I have many girlfriends that withhold sex in their marriages and I never understand why. I can tell you that I have never said no to my husband in 10 years in the bedroom (or anywhere else) for the simple reason that it makes me feel good to please him. I am constantly shocked when my married girlfriends tell me they haven’t had sex in months! I always ask them how they think their husbands feel, and honestly they say they’re just not in the mood. I really don’t get it…Most importantly when you meet the right person she will want you, make you feel loved and feel as special as you are. My advice would be to let your future wife know that sex (emotional togetherness) is very important to you and could be a potential deal breaker. If any wife/girlfriend reads this let me tell you something, take care of your MAN! I am a firm believer that if his needs are not met a gap opens in the marriage that allows someone our something in to destroy it!

Sorry, I mean to post this at the end. I am not computer savvy

Filter: Thanks. I see your point. What I think and even my psychologist and town social worker say is She is not a bad Woman per say. But, we should not have maybe been married. She too may have issues too. So, what You said Filter hits home. Thanks :)



To the rest of you. I say. Thank You ever so much. I never knew I could find comfort at a computer website. It was kind of a last resort. I would like to offer comfort too. I am poor and can't move mountains. But, I would like to try and be there. Message me if You want my help of friendship or companionship OK??



Glen

i can understand what your saying and the most important thing don't ever ask her,please don't ever ask her she'll turn on you if you do it. we need grrrl here plz grrr grrrlls talk here.

The thought of my souse having been abuses as a child has definitely entered into my thoughts. However getting any such information out of her will be like drawing blood from a stone!!!

I am not married, but recently my girlfriend of almost 2 years stopped being intimate with me. She says its a mid life crisis. It may be But I cant understand what her reasoning is.

It is not Religious, at least in Christianity, to deny sex. in fact it is quite the Opposite! From what I read in the Bible. A man and women are not to turn each other down ,a man is to treat a women as his own flesh and that means respect. Divorcing because of lewd conduct to me means.. Not only Adultry but physical violence and a few other things! Christians are to do unto others as they would have others do. This is not easy as we want everyone to be nice to us and sometimes it is very hard to be nice! This is where the they do not know what they do comes in( forgiveness) because we sometimes ,all of us hurt others without really meaning to or knowing.

very nice story..read read read..then write..good

I believe we all eventually have our fill of being abused emotionally and at that time put our selves first. For me it was after 15 1/2 yrs and birth of our second child. Was a very hard choice but have been on my own with my 2 children for over a year now and lovin life. Now it is not always easy but I feel so much better about my life and want my 2 daughters to know you do not have to live like that.

Very well written you sound like a very intelligent man

hi. I am Glen. I am sorry for your pain. I am in constant pain from lack of Love and passion. I am a guy and people will say I am a creep. I want to DIE for REAL because I feel so guilty. But, mostly from lack of Love. I am married. My wife is good Woman and Loves me. Yet, NOT IN love. Me??? I guess the same. BUT, I try. I will try to ignite spark. Yet, it is never the 4th of July like it is suppose to be. I am 51 and have lost all hope. Woe is Glen. He prays for the Angel of Death.

What a great, inciteful and honest post. The reasons why people do things may be locked in their psyche. Sometimes it is buried so deep, that they don't even realize it, or they don't want to recognize it, because of the pain it would bring with it, so it stays buried and they react the way they do, because of it.

If they will not or cannot address what it is, it would be best to separate oneself and move on, instead of staying and being abused by their actions. One should never want someone, who does not want them. Find a better destination. Leave the scene of depression and despair behind. Life is so too short. Cheers.

so true

I have found that although everyone's advice we already know, we find logical and agree with, our hearts just somehow disconnect with our brains. I believe that anyone and everyone can find themselves in this situation. It all of a sudden creeps up on you and before you know it we find ourselves in a comfort zone that we like, for whatever reason.



For me I forgot that I wasn't just a Mum, a daughter, her indoors, I am just now being referred to by my name instead of Ben's Mum, Steve's partner etc etc.



I also forgot that your comment was how it should be. So for me, you have summed up what's going on in my head. I suppose I could say i was "defragged".



However, he analysis is very quick, but the actual defrag takes a long tine.

It's hard. When you care, to just..stop.

This is not right on for me. For me, my wife is refusing because she has little or no sex drive. It does not make me feel unloved, unwanted or horrible. (at least not horrible any longer). But I still have a strong sex drive, so it is incredibly frustrating when she isn't and I don't have anything on the side. :). I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loves me. I do agree there is something wrong (probably medically) with my spouse and I don't know what it is. My refuser is innocent, her refusal is not out of malice. I have addressed it by having affairs, so I am not bitter :). At least not ALL the time hehe.

she had affairs and justified it by believing i was the problem, now we both have affairs,maybe some day we'll have an affair with each other.

Straight on.

My mom and dad... I think they had sex twice. Once to have me, and once to have my brother. My mom is super religious, and my dad isn't interested in all that stuff. I think your spouse might be religious.

Wow! That's all I can say. This was pretty well written and right on!



I also was interested in reading other people's comments on the matter. One poster mentioned that being intimate with the same person doing the same thing over and over is kind of like eating cheeseburgers every day: it gets old. I'm in that situation now, as a starter.



In my case, there's also distancing taking place. At one time, we've shared mutual interests as well as had interests of our own. Now, she's pretty much living her own life with me pretty much being out of the picture.



A third factor that isn't helping our relationship is that we've both let ourselves go over the years. I've realized that about a year ago and have started working on the areas I can do something about, such as losing 50 pounds over the course of a year. In here case, she really is not interested in changing the areas of her life she has control over.



A fourth factor that coincides with the interests thing is that my wife tends to sleep in crazy shifts. It's difficult at best to maintain any relationship, not knowing what her sleep schedule will be. And this has nothing to do with being a shift worker, as she is an 8:00 to 4:30 day worker.



A fifth factor that really kills our intimate life is not sleeping together at all. That has to do with snoring, though, I've sought and obtained help for severe sleep apnea. In her case, she says that nothing can be done for her snoring.



A sixth factor that is killing us is the fact that we have our 24 year old daughter and her five year old daughter living with us. The walls are paper thin and my wife tends to be a bit loud. It makes me feel very, very awkward in attempting to initiate any sort of intimacy.



A seventh factor that is hurting us is in the past, my wife would act like a teenage boy getting it for the first or second time. She would brag about it all over My Space of Facebook.



So, for some people, there are a lot of other factors taking place that will affect their intimate lives.

Interesting and here is my take or story and how I am currently dealing with it.

Most of it started when menopause struck, married to a woman who was capable of satisfying evry deisre a man could have or want. I was in heaven ,as far as I was concerned no other woman existed in this world and that was fine with me. The passion was there and kissing , touching , just looking and knowin what wa about to occur was an excitement not to be explained (still have it), But all that is gone completely she feels dead as a woman , her description. We have had heated discussions, try to resolve things, i hit my highs and lows , lost self esteem, felt rejected and cride , kicked, screamed, but you know wht in the end I am still the same diehard romantic I have always been, and I am not going to change. If divorce is down the road I will not be the one to leave, and just recently I discovered that she contacts someone in our town she has always had and attraction to (gotta love those cell phone records) I was never one to consider even doing such a thing and have not shared that knowledge or information with her and for now do not intend to. What is has given me is a better way to handle this , since that strong need for sex and passion is les now know that their is an attempt at deceipt and lies.

Honestly I really don't think she can help herself, but it helps me understand and deal with the berating and treatment i was receiving here and no longer toletate it ,stop the conversation, mention she is wasting her time , cause I am not playing.I alsoknow that there is no affair happening (certain of that) but there is a need and desire on her part to continue to hone her female flirting skills and the challange to try to tempt this male friend and see if she can lure him from his female companion.

You are all right , marriage is not all about sex, and when you have felt the pleasure two people can experience from a strong bond and connection it is more satisfying then the actual intercourse, That's what I miss, the passion , the looks,the question when you have erection like "what would like to do with that" or doing yard work and sneaking off i some corner and having a little mutual ************, Feeling every inch of the naked body next to you and wanting to go dwon on that for hours to release a beauty woman have at those moments when they truly let go. That's what I miss and hope it returns, would having an affair replace any of it,probably not. I really have adjusted to it and as someone said I think you remove all the fun when not playing into the refuser's games,whatever the cause may be, For me I am still toying with "is is menopause or some other agenda" Either way the say will come for an explanation of the cell phone calls, and since I still love her, Yes I will help her move her things out of the house.

guess i'm already bitter

My one issue with your otherwise brilliant story is your statement that the rejected one has "done everything" to make the other partner happy. Often someone who is rejecting their partner is looking for something like emotional closeness that the rejected person is unable to give. I've got a friend who's partner simply won't talk about feelings and that causes her to feel so alone she cannot tolerate intimacy. She should be looking for positive ways to draw him out, but she doesn't know how. He only sees that he's a faithful husband and a good provider- she should not ask more of him. His inflexible attitude and her inability to to be loving while she helps him understand how much she needs emotional closeness will probably result in the end of their marriage. They are deeply unhappy now.