Used To Be Good, What Happened?

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and the first ten were great and we seemed of one mind in the bed (at least 4-5 times a week). The last couple of years it has been steadily declining. Now we are to the point of i'm lucky if we are intimate once a week, usually Saturdays if at all. He is fine if I get him off and he still masturbates every chance he gets but then he doesn’t even touch me. It’s like he just doesn’t care about my needs anymore. If I say anything about it then I’m complaining or nagging (even though I do approach it in a non confrontational way and have only mentioned it 3 times in a year). He just gets really defensive about it. I am very unsatisfied but on top of that it makes me feel like I’m not enough or not what he wants anymore. The lack of communication is killing me inside. I really don’t know what else to do about it. I know it’s not a matter of cheating, but I’m beginning to wonder if he just doesn’t want me anymore? This is leading to depression and I have gained 20lbs stress eating. It’s like a catch 20/20.
married98 married98
31-35
3 Responses Sep 7, 2012

To cut to the chase here, you have a simple question to put to yourself. That being -<br />
- "is this a deal breaker for me or not ?"<br />
<br />
See, the solution to this matter does NOT reside with you. It resides with HIM, and there is no evidence in your story that he is doing one damn thing about it, or has any intention of so doing.<br />
<br />
Left to him (and he is the only one who can do anything about his issues) nothing happens. The situation remains as it is and as it has been. Nothing changes.<br />
<br />
That puts the onus of choice right back on you, and nothing changes until you exercise that choice.<br />
<br />
Is this a deal breaker for you ? That's your starting point.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I have tried to talk to him about it and have suggested counseling which he shot down. I have suggested things we could do to spice it up, outfits, roll playing date nights and he doesn't seem interested. I told him I bought a sexy outfit to wear for him (i.e. sexy shoes and a corset) and he asked why I wasted the money....just returned the stuff and nursed a bruised libido, if he would have added a your sexy without it or something that would have been fine but that wasn't the case or how he implied it. I just feel ugly about myself and depressed at this point.

Well you are very blunt in laying out the facts or the state of affairs in your marriage.It seems like you have good insight. From what you have said,it sounds like hes done with you and the marriage while you still hold on.I am not sure how long this is been going on but,it seems like you have much of nothing.You need to move on and find someone who loves you for you.If he does not want to do anything about your marriage,you have nothing-you are in that marriage alone and thats not a marriage.Sorry if I sound rough but you don't seem to sugar coat anything and am not going to either.Best of luck.

There is gotta be a reason.Have you talked to him in a friendly way about it?<br />
You may seek some family counseling I think. It hurts when a marriage fails and its mostly due to communication breakdowns and barriers we erect as defenses. Good luck.