I Have A Clear Understanding.

When I first came to find this website. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. But I posted a few things and got some great feed back. But it really took for me to open my eyes and actually see what is going on. I have always said I love my husband. He is my best friend. And I don't want to leave him. That hasn't change. But what has changed is how I now view our marriage. I have gone through a serious depression. I have talked to him about it and yes he does seem very apologetic. I do understand that he's not an affectionate person. Wasn't raised that way. But at some point you have to work towards it. My heart is heavy because I never thought we would get to this point. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think my husband doesn't care about my needs or doesn't care to want me. I'm done crying. I'm done trying to make date nights that he isn't interested in attending. The sad part of it all is my Health had started to fail due to the stress of all this and he didn't even notice. It just didn't care. We haven't actually sat down just him and I in a very long time. The hardest three words a person can say in their life. I had to say recently. To spare my heart any further pain. I GIVE UP!
Kiyah1213 Kiyah1213
31-35
4 Responses Sep 7, 2012

You have grasped your first bit of certainty. That this relationship is dead in the water.<br />
<br />
Another bit of certainty could be yours if you consulted a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you. If you put yourself together a do-able exit strategy you would have certainty that no matter how the cards fell you'd be ok.<br />
<br />
Would you enact said strategy ?? That would be entirely your choice as to the "if" and the "when" but the fact that you would have a viable alternative in your pocket would at the very least make coping with the dead in the water relationship a fair bit easier.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I distinctly remember the first time I ever felt that way was in coming to realize that the bold idealism of the Enlightenment, which I had always sworn by, was flawed. The movement stated that (warning: heavy paraphrase coming), if humanity could just be allowed to grow unfettered, society would surely reach its grand potential. <br />
<br />
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA<br />
<br />
It's hard to realize that some things just can't be worked out, no matter how much good will or noble intention is involved. But it does leave a new situation in its place. That is where potential picks up again.

That is a harsh reality but somehow it is also a glimpse into a new life - one that include what you need. We can't change other people no matter how hard we try. For me, living in a sexless marriage was not something I could endure any longer. So he tried - we tried - but it didn't work, and we still don't really know why. <br />
<br />
One suggestion is to put a time fr<x>ame on your next step. My H and I agreed to a deadline so we were both clear on what would happen if he couldn't find his way to me. <br />
<br />
Honestly, the hardest part is anticipation - the reality of the situation pales in comparison to all the tragic scenarios I allowed to occupy my mind. We are now separated, and everyone survived. It's a relief for both of us because we're not having to confront the situation every moment of every day. <br />
<br />
You are so young to be so unhappy. Invest in your own life and give yourself a chance to find what you need. It only gets harder as you accumulate assets and have a family.

I will never forget my AHA! moment....<br />
It was at first devastating <br />
to face the reality of<br />
how little my husband regarded me<br />
I too went through a severe depression <br />
that lasted 9 long months<br />
only to be followed by another year of very hard work<br />
to scratch and claw my way out of it...<br />
when i began to feel like "me"again<br />
it was becoming clear that<br />
the dis-ease if my marriage was taking its toll on me<br />
I could no longer pretend<br />
minimize<br />
nor excuse<br />
i have been finding all the lil pieces of my heart and<br />
taking them back alil at a time...<br />
it is getting better<br />
joyinthejourney, clg