I Can't Believe That I'm Here Too.

My guy and I used to have sex regularly, but after 10 years, I'm thrown a bone about once a month.
I've come to terms with it and have no problem handling my own business, but the continuous rejection has affected me. The affect that it's had on me is I don't feel free to be provocative around him. I also have no desire to try to seduce him anymore which is really sad to me. I've tried every possible way to turn him on, but it doesn't work. The only time we have sex anymore is when he starts to feel insecure about me and what I'm doing without him. It has slowly brought down my self esteem, my courage and how I feel about my body.
I've thought about denying him/playing hard to get to see what he would do but it never even came up because he rarely requests it. So, to deny him would also deny me and I won't let that happen. I jump at every chance I can to get laid.
I guess I find it hard to believe that he doesn't want to have sex, that's what guys do and think about right? That's what my guy friends always tell me anyway. I'm not an ugly person, and I have a smokin' body because I work hard daily lifting, squatting, moving rocks, moving earth, etc. I know how arrogant that sounds, but for my age, I'm doing pretty well. I spent my entire 20's and most of my 30's covering myself up and being shy about my body. I had zero self confidence. So, it feels nice to have something good to say about me in my 40's.
So, then I start to think that he's cheating on me, because he's got to be having sex somewhere, right? He stepped out on me once and I caught him. This made me furious. I mean, here I am at home waiting, never withholding, willing to do anything, anywhere and anytime and he decides to step out on me. We worked through that, and I think it's normal that I still wonder sometimes. Having said all of that, he's not cheating.
I wonder if his ego doesn't allow him to talk with me about a penis problem. He is getting older, and maybe he just can't get it up like he used to, but I thought that he still could most of the time, but I should read on male issues.
Anyway, the stories that I've been reading in this group are sad, it seems that I am not the only one who is sans sex for long stretches. I am surprised by this only because for me it's vitally important for my health and happiness and for the health and happiness of my relationship. I've never been too tired or let the fact that I have kids sway me from keeping that connection open. I've never withheld sex as a form of punishment. "***** probation" is cruel. I desire the intimacy and the closeness that I feel during sex too much to do that, also, I love sex.
rottenrobi rottenrobi
46-50, F
11 Responses Sep 8, 2012

My position is the opposite,I want all the time.My wife isn't interested.

I know how it feels. I took it too personally and let it affect me greatly in a fiercely negative way. Intimacy is important to me and not having it made my relationship deteriorate along with my self esteem. I had to get away, permanently. Being alone and feeling good is far better than being alone within a relationship.

"***** probation"...heh...No, that IS too mean.
...You think his main motivation to have sex is not because he really wants to have sex, but just to keep you there and faithful? Just asking.

New Years Eve or not, I'm always trying! :) we'll see if bringing in the new year with a bang inspires him. I refuse to give up, for now.

I believe a totally discrete "Friends with Benefits" relationship with a married man is your best option. Sadly,there are many men with spouses that have lost ALL their sex drive and have no interest in physical intimacy. I speak from experience...

I guess that's an option. . . Honestly, he's not that cool of a person. I think he and I will be better off apart, for many reasons, this just being one in the top 3.

it hard to say much without knowing how much ya'll communicate...have you talked to him about his /your fantasies...start there...buy a penthouse letters...read it together...talk about the stories that you like...find out which ones he liked the best...buy a toy if you dont have one...share it with him...most of a mans sex drive is in his mind...stimulate that and things should get better....maybe his is submissive...a voyouer....has bi fantasies...

I wish I could say that encouraging my wife to discuss her fantasies worked for me, because I'm inclined toward open and authentic communication. The problem was, she wasn't at the time - and because of this, my constant pressure to communicate anything at all about sex and fantasy, ended up being perceived on her end as "more pressure." Pressure to perform, to fantasize for my benefit, to put something out there that she was not allowing herself to have. It wasn't until the relationship collapsed and we were both in "post-relationship imaginings" that she finally realized that she did indeed have an idea of her own sexual agenda. Only then, when there was no expectation or marital obligation, was she able to see this.

that is truly a shame...how do relationships go from being so fufilling to nothing in a few years...my wife and i had a time that we couldnt stay away from each other...shared our thoughts and fantasies...our sex life was great...then 1 day...i became a pervert for those very thoughts that had once made us strong...life is funny ....i hope that things turn out well for you...

I love how you think, but bringing in toys or talking about fantasies would only freak him out and make me more "weird" in his mind. Our communication is cryptic at best. Thank you though for your suggestions.

I also hate being called "weird" or a "pervert". I'm nothing like that. I'm just very open with my sexuality, in a healthy way. He has regressed sexually, but still puts on an act around others, like were going to go home & he's going to. . . whatever he says, it means nothing because its rare that he actually follows through.
I need to do some research because Im wondering if alcohol is a bigger factor then I thought. He's an alcoholic so maybe he has impotence issue and this would be "off topic" for my guy.

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"So, to deny him would also deny me and I won't let that happen." -------------<br />
Not yet, you won't. But now that you have named the demon, you will see it everywhere. Eventually you will find that it is intolerable to cede authority over sex in your partnership to someone who does not desire you. The awareness of the issue creates a tipping point. After that, you will eventually overrule your sexual response to him, because you have found it to be humiliating and you no longer trust the product of following through. At that point, you will be doing, cognizantly, what he is doing, instinctively.

That makes total sense, but what a dismal thought. I guess I've never thought that far ahead, I've been too wrapped up in the present. Thank you for a bit of insight into my future. I appreciate honesty even when its uncomfortable.

You're like me abt three weeks ago. Looking to forgive him and a way to workaround my unhappiness. There is no way. Stick around here, read daily for a couple weeks and you'll see the light too.

Sounds ominous, and realistic. I'm not going anywhere, and since my nights are always free, I'll keep reading. Thank you.

Right here, same crap, except for the cheating, same same same.

sucks, right?

Sucks! Me three. Ha. I remember once a month...barely..back in the good ol' days

Good...you will do it when you are ready...just like I will (sigh)...we'll hang in there for each other, all of us here! I'm glad I came back here having forgotten about this site for about a year!!

This site is interesting. I like the fact that no one I know has discovered it yet, I don't think so anyway, so I can feel free to say whatever I'm feeling. And I love all the information and people that do know about it! We will hang in there for as long as we need to. I'm glad you came back to. :)

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you are awesome. such a healthy attitude. i am sorry your husband has issues and those issues have played hard against your self esteem. i know the feeling. one thing that seems to be lacking in all these sexless relationships is a ultimatum that basically states: i need sex with you to be happy with you and our relationship, i am willing to be patient if you are willing to go to counciling or see a doctor or somehow show me my happiness is worth something to you, otherwise i have to leave you.

Thank you Copper. I think I know the outcome of my relationship, I'm just not ready to take action yet. I guess I should give him the option of choosing doctor or counselling, but an ultimatum with him a kiss of death. He let me know that a long time ago. Plus, he will never go to counselling, it's too enlightening for his closed mind and he's too scared to go see a doctor.
So there it is. Doesn't give me much to work with, but he's familiar. :) Thanks for writing.

'ultimatum is a kiss of death' - basically what he's saying is that you can't draw any firm lines in the relationship or express your fundamental needs. I do understand that some people are too willing to express ultimatums - but it doesn't sound like you're one of these people. Give that ultimatum because your happiness depends on it. If he goes, you have your answer.

I wish it were so easy. No worries, it will work itself out. Or should I say, I will work myself out of here. :) and thank you, I'm not an ultimatum person.

then he has given himself his own ultimatum!! There's your out..you already know the answer...

yep, it just takes a little time.

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Yes our stories are sad -- as is yours and I am sorry. Your post is so pragmatic which has promise IMO - what seems to be missing is the plan to communicate to get answers to the problem. <br />
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I agree that you should not go down the refusal road. It is not good for the soul - at least has not been for mine. But it does help the anger - which is coming soon enough.<br />
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And I hear you - intimacy is lost and sex follows - and both are important, but intimacy trumps sex I have found, at least for me. That is why outsourcing falls short - if it is about sex you just roll back around to missing intimacy.<br />
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Consider this though -- you have lost the desire to seduce, and soon you may find you are getting it as a duty thing -- and that is only good in role play not real life with the person you love.<br />
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So all these things lead to this I believe: You really have to sit down and ferret out what is up while you still energy to do it- and do know he will lie about it for a long while. I suggest being kind, supportive and just keep pressing until the answers that make sense -even if hard to hear -- come out.<br />
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I guess we all come to terms that marriage is not fair and then decide what to do about that. Now is your best time to do it.

You're also right. I don't even mention communicating with him because it's not an option. I wish I could, and it's ridiculous to type this, but it's true he's a Neanderthal.
I have come to terms with marriage not being fair this is a lesson I learned at a very young age. I come from a mother who is on her 5th marriage. I've always been cynical about the union.
It does bother me that I'm getting older and losing precious time waiting, and taking whatever is offered.
I'm not afraid of the answers to any question. I mean, if he said I was stinky or something like that, I wouldn't be happy but at least I'd know. Luckily I've crossed that one off the list, it's been asked and answered with a "no". :)
Thank you very much for your reply. and I will keep reading!

If you really can not communicate, then there is no hope. and if you own a chunk of that communication (as it take two to really communicate and it is very natural to blame the other side) there is no hope next time around either.

I think you should practice on getting your side, we all have baggage and weaknesses, in order as best you can - maybe you get lucky and he talks. Else practice for your own growth and the future.

Taken in the context of your other stories / confessions et al on EP, your situation looks to be terminally dysfunctional. But this story, taken in isolation, doesn't seem to indicate that you would agree with that opinion.<br />
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Anyway, if you are going to maintain your strategy of "jumping at every chance to get laid" by him, you are effectively conceding all initiative over YOUR sexual autonomy to him. That leaves you in a very inferior position in the dynamic. You are condemned to be a 'taker of what is offered' rather than a respected co-partner. This has had, and will continue to have deleterious effects on your self esteem, and that spells HUGE trouble.<br />
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As you've recently joined this group, extensive reading here would do you no harm. It will help you get a handle on what you are dealing with. I can just about guarantee that you won't like what you read though. Your situation is far more serious than you might presently be thinking.<br />
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Tread your own path.

LOL! This caught me off guard. You are totally right. My situation is a mess, but I still stick it out. :)
I think in one of my stories I do say that my guy and I do have a lot of good times, but the bad are really bad. "Dysfunctional" doesn't seem quite enough of an adjective to describe my relationship.
Respected co-partner sounds like a dream, and something to attain to. I am definitely in the inferior position in the sexual realm of "us" because I do jump at any offering. It's not my desired attitude, but it's what I've got right now.
I will continue to read and read the stories in this group. Thank you for your reply. And just so you know, I really do see my relationship for what it is, I'm just not ready to take the steps that need to be taken yet. Moneys have to be saved and preparations need to be prepared. :)