Tired Of CryingWe met in 1998 and had what I think was a healthy sexual relationship until about 2002. One day he blurted out that he was no longer attracted to me because I'd "gotten fat. REALLY fat," as he put it. He met me when I was pretty much at my thinnest ever, I think mainly because I was broke and depressed. I knew and was self conscious that I'd gained about 20lbs in those 4 years. I still felt that there were about a hundred ways he could've expressed his disappointment w/ my body other than blurting it out like this. How about "Let's get healthy together"? Because he too had gained weight. But I was 33, insecure & hypersensitive so I overreacted and shut down. Our sex life was never the same (ie., decreased from a couple times a week to maybe a couple times a month or less).
Then came a ton of medical issues but I'll try to condense them. 2003: I had a giant fibroid removed from my uterus. 2004: I went off The Pill because I was 36 and should've stopped at 35, but even though we didn't want kids and he refused to wear a condom, he still didn't get a vasectomy. So now came the excuse that he didn't want me to get pregnant. 2006: he finally got the vasectomy, but after the surgery came the devastating news that he had Prostate Cancer. So 2007 was the removal of his prostate and all the trauma that comes w/ such a surgery. He was 43 years old and even though the doctor said they preserved the nerves and all should be "good to go," it never has been. I understand it's tweaked his hormones and his self esteem. I've tried everything I can think of to help out. He has a supply of pills if needed but it seems he could care less about them. A while back he even suggested I slip a pill in with his daily vitamins which I did...still nothing. About a year ago he told me he'd be fine living the rest of his life without sex. I told him I'm not.
I'm probably coming off sounding cold-hearted toward a man who's body has been through such a devastating trauma. Please believe me that I've tried to be there for him however I can. He is still my best friend and we have great times together. I don't want to leave and I don't want to cheat. We haven't had sex for almost a year, and the only reason it happened that time was because we were both drunk and I basically jumped him and made it happen. For our anniversary last month I tried that again but he shut me down. I finally convinced him to pleasure me manually and it was heartbreaking how detached he was.
So here we are tonight: He kept talking all day about how cute I looked in my outfit and much to my surprise, we eventually started to get something going (and yes, he can still achieve an erection)...then he stopped and shut down and refused to continue or even let me do anything to him. I basically told him how messed up it is to get me riled up then stop. I sounded like a teenage boy trying to convince a girl to get him off because "the pressure hurts so much, baby." Ugh.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm 43 and my sex drive hasn't gone away. Maybe I should mention that I've been working out regularly for years. I've got a ways to go and I'll probably never get down to the weight I was at 29 when we met, but I'm trying and I feel pretty good.
Thanks for letting me share my story.
sugarmag 41-45 6 Responses 1 Sep 8, 2012