Tired Of Crying

We met in 1998 and had what I think was a healthy sexual relationship until about 2002. One day he blurted out that he was no longer attracted to me because I'd "gotten fat. REALLY fat," as he put it. He met me when I was pretty much at my thinnest ever, I think mainly because I was broke and depressed. I knew and was self conscious that I'd gained about 20lbs in those 4 years. I still felt that there were about a hundred ways he could've expressed his disappointment w/ my body other than blurting it out like this. How about "Let's get healthy together"? Because he too had gained weight. But I was 33, insecure & hypersensitive so I overreacted and shut down. Our sex life was never the same (ie., decreased from a couple times a week to maybe a couple times a month or less).
Then came a ton of medical issues but I'll try to condense them. 2003: I had a giant fibroid removed from my uterus. 2004: I went off The Pill because I was 36 and should've stopped at 35, but even though we didn't want kids and he refused to wear a condom, he still didn't get a vasectomy. So now came the excuse that he didn't want me to get pregnant. 2006: he finally got the vasectomy, but after the surgery came the devastating news that he had Prostate Cancer. So 2007 was the removal of his prostate and all the trauma that comes w/ such a surgery. He was 43 years old and even though the doctor said they preserved the nerves and all should be "good to go," it never has been. I understand it's tweaked his hormones and his self esteem. I've tried everything I can think of to help out. He has a supply of pills if needed but it seems he could care less about them. A while back he even suggested I slip a pill in with his daily vitamins which I did...still nothing. About a year ago he told me he'd be fine living the rest of his life without sex. I told him I'm not.
I'm probably coming off sounding cold-hearted toward a man who's body has been through such a devastating trauma. Please believe me that I've tried to be there for him however I can. He is still my best friend and we have great times together. I don't want to leave and I don't want to cheat. We haven't had sex for almost a year, and the only reason it happened that time was because we were both drunk and I basically jumped him and made it happen. For our anniversary last month I tried that again but he shut me down. I finally convinced him to pleasure me manually and it was heartbreaking how detached he was.
So here we are tonight: He kept talking all day about how cute I looked in my outfit and much to my surprise, we eventually started to get something going (and yes, he can still achieve an erection)...then he stopped and shut down and refused to continue or even let me do anything to him. I basically told him how messed up it is to get me riled up then stop. I sounded like a teenage boy trying to convince a girl to get him off because "the pressure hurts so much, baby." Ugh.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm 43 and my sex drive hasn't gone away. Maybe I should mention that I've been working out regularly for years. I've got a ways to go and I'll probably never get down to the weight I was at 29 when we met, but I'm trying and I feel pretty good.
Thanks for letting me share my story.
sugarmag sugarmag
6 Responses Sep 8, 2012

You know the answer. If you need permission to make yourself happy then it is granted. With or without the medical issues, you are not compatible. Life is too short to live with someone who doesn't make you happy. It's hard to pull the plug, but it doesn't sound like there's anything to salvage. <br />
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Your big concern will be leaving the guilt behind. Medical issues always muddy the waters, but Baz said it right. You were ill-suited prior to the medical issues so that hasn't changed.

Very insensitive man. Abusive with his mouth and actions. Do you feel that as a woman you deserve to be mistreated in such a way? I hope not. Any good lady deserves to be admired and adored by there husband even as the weight comes on. Something is wrong in his head. See a psychologist and you will get the right help to determine why are you still doing what you are with this guy. He is breaking you.

Hope the cancer comes back only this time it's inoperable. In the meantime get your own life together. I made the HUGE MISTAKE of starting a sexless relationship at your gae and then I made the HUGER MISTAKE of marrying the *****. Here I am 16 yrs later and really really ******* pissed. What a waste of time and resource.

Ouch, that is a bit harsh! I realize you are just venting...but his wife loves him...But that said, I am in the SAME place you are, F4W.....I was younger and even dumber I guess.

Leave his *** the world is full of men with raging hardons dreaming of the opportunity to love a woman like you.

Personally, I think his issue about your weight is a cover-up for the real reason he will not have sex with you. I think after you loose all the weight it will not make any difference. It is cruel what he did tonight. He owes you an honest explanation. Unfortunately, he has apparently lost his desire for you. My wife has lost her sexual desire for me. Once that desire is lost I think it is almost impossible to get back. I do not know what the answer is when that happens.

Agree about the weight..I learned the same. Glad I got fit anyway :)

It would be a reasonable summation that this dude was a ***** as far back as 2002 ba<x>sed on your story.<br />
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All that changed in 2006 was that he became a ***** who had prostate cancer as well.<br />
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Then in about 2007 he was a ***** who had survived cancer.<br />
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Now he is a ***** who is intimacy averse to you.<br />
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The common denominator over the journey is that he was / is / will be a *****. And intimacy averse to you.<br />
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This is likely a bridge too far for you at this stage, but in the not too distant future he ought be a ***** who was once your husband. 10+ years of him being a ***** is quite enough for you I reckon.<br />
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Tread your own path.