Special Skill

"[Going outside the marriage]...takes a special skill set that many folks do not possess"

mvcmvc said this in the "Frying Pan Into Fire" string.

If you had to name that (those) special skill(s) what would it (they) be?

Here's an April 2011 article by enna30 on this with 84 comments
Outsourcing Your Needs <-- http://tinyurl.com/ckxs23o
Fool4Waiting Fool4Waiting
56-60, F
10 Responses Sep 9, 2012

I have done this and can tell you the skills you need. <br />
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#1 Start your hunt knowing that you only need sex and nothing else.<br />
#2 Have rules about not allowing any feeling of love or connection to happen.<br />
#3 Find someone you like and let go. Have great sex!!! It fantastic!!!<br />
#4 Be prepared to lie a lot to people you love.<br />
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Oh yea!! The most important rule is "RULES DON'T WORK". You can't manage relationships. What you need is far more than sex and the great sex you are having makes staying in your current situation far more difficult. You life becomes very complicated as you are emotionally torn. Sleep becomes harder to find as your mind deals with all of the complications of your life. <br />
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My advice, solve the problems in your marriage first. If that's divorce, than get it over. If your going to fix it than do that. Affairs are far more difficult to mange once your in one. <br />
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Good Luck !!!

Why don't you leave your spouse. Give yourselves a chance at happiness before the rest of your lives pass you by.

A lot of this has been covered but my two cents...<br />
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It depends on what you mean exactly. For something clandestine the primary skill needed is the ability to compartmentalize your life. That is no easy feat.<br />
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For something non-clandestine, some sort of open arrangement, you need to be honest with yourself about ob<x>jectives and a good head on your shoulders to keep things in perspective. I'm referring to keeping things in perspective when inevitably feelings get involved. The partner in crime needs the same.<br />
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I've given this a lot of thought and have done a lot of homework. I'd prefer an open arrangement to a divorce if it came to that and I think I have the constitution for it. I'm also well aware I may be living in fantasy land.

Also the ability to lie convincingly, if need be. I've been told never to play poke-r, everyone can immediately read everything on my face. I think I've gotten better at concealment over the years, though.

To date, I cannot separate my physical needs from my emotional needs. I think you need to be better at compartmentalization than perhaps I am in this regard.

You need the desire and the opportunity. If both of these converge, you will step out of the marriage. The first step isn't the hardest and the second and third aren't either. It's the constant feeling that his W or your H will find out and then there's guilt. I didn't really have much guilt about my emotional affair. But he wasn't willing to leave his wife or really engage physically and over time the pain of our mutually unhappy situations began to wear on the relationship. <br />
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Anyone could have an affair. All if us have it in us. But the consequences are what will affect you the most - both good and bad.

Does not seem to be worth the drama, guilt, complexity, fear, anxiety to me. I had a brief fling and while fun, I felt TERRIBLE for cheating. In my experience, no matter how mad you may be at your partner, if you actually love him/her, it's very hard not to feel horrible about betraying them. And maybe that's a good thing...

Why is it looked at as betraying your spouse?? If you were getting your emotional and physical needs met by your spouse then most would never consider an affair to begin with.

Finding someone to help fill that emptiness is sometimes necessary to survive until you can bring yourself to make the changes necessary to having a full and happy life

I absolutely agree that it's fine to go outside the marriage---if your partner agrees to it. I would have tried an open marriage if my H were willing. But lies, sneaking around, etc, is just not my cup of tea. I believe in honesty. That's why I'm also against staying for the kids. I just don't think lying to people you love works out in the end---in any case, everyone eventually finds out, and then what? And if you don't love the person you're lying to, why stay? I get it, I fantasized about having affairs like crazy until I actually wound up having one. And it made me realize I want to live my life clean, no lies, no deception. That's what works for me. Don't get me wrong, sh*t happens, I did it too. But it was a mistake, not a strategy.

Absolutely, it's betrayal if you have personal values, and if honesty and integrity are 2 of them. It may not be on the surface, but you will carry a heaviness and a sort of guilt for a long time, especially while the affair is going on. You can't change who you are temporarily to suit your personal needs, otherwise you are lying to yourself too. Ending the marriage is the more up front, honest way to go about it.

Also it helps to Google up articles like "10 tell-tale signs your partner is having an affair" and don't do those things!!!

Deep down,you don't need to read up anything or look for any signs,you just know!

Maybe. Maybe not. Some spouses are more able to self-deceive or turn a blind eye. I think my H just does not want to know. The only time he's ever questioned my movements were when I was innocently going somewhere legit. So probably has an inkling but doesn't want to look.

If you have foresight, you can google those signs prior to, begin incorporating them into your usual behavior, then they shouldn't be a problem later.

Yep...maybe that's more like it. Basically that's kinda what I did.

1 More Response

-ability to compartmentalise emotionally<br />
- a certain callousness<br />
- a risk-seeking personality<br />
- ability to lie easily and adeptly (don't over-lie, it will get you caught)<br />
- ability to think coolly and cover your tracks<br />
- willingness to accept the consequences of your behaviour, including the extended impact on family members, not just your spouse.<br />
-willingness to accept that you may get your heart broken<br />
- being able to keep your mouth shut (other than at certain times, obviously)<br />
- some nerve <br />
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Additionally you will need:<br />
- a certain amount of flexibility in your schedule<br />
- some money - affairs cost a little bit<br />
- it doesn't hurt to have separate computers and mobile devices that your spouse does not have access to

It's still all about lying,scheming and deception.....to who?,Yourself! I've done it,sometimes still do,it's hard work.And in the end it's all about getting the affection that you're missing with your spouse,a real 'Catch 22' situation.

mvcmvc will hopefully be along soon to respond in her usual highly competent manner. Read it. It will be good stuff.<br />
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I'll add, in advance, that in many ways this strategy (which is a nuance of the "staying" option), is the hardest one of the lot to carry off successfully. It requires at least as much work, preparation and fall back planning as the "leaving" option. It requires time. It requires finances. It requires balls. AND, it doesn't solve the core problem either.<br />
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If anyone is considering it - as the 'easiest' option of the few awful choices available - then think again. It ain't. It requires a unique individual to carry this off. And for all the great qualities of the membership in this group of ours, there are not too many of us who are that unique.<br />
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Back in the day, I considered this option. I ended up rejecting it. It was too hard, and I most definitely did NOT have the skill set to do it. Comparitively speaking, "leaving" was easier. <br />
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Tread your own path.