Realization:

I was going home from work on friday when it hit me...

I had no idea the extent of my disappointment with my wife's indifference to sex. I usually go home, play with the kids most days, have a few drinks when they're in bed, then i hit the sack myself. I was thinking about the drinking, and why i did it. My wife is so beautiful, and i think about the great sex we could have if she ever had a passion for it. I acctually fantasize about what i could do with my wife! Who does that, right? But, i do. The torture of having such a beauty near me all the time without being able to get her interested in an exciting physical relationship is beyond description. The lack of that physical bond is making me lose interest in other aspects of our relationship. So, i drink. I know, i know. It's no excuse, but it's so much easier to drink away the horniness and desire than to want the sex life i can't have all the time. Waking up and coming home lustful without the possibility of finding my woman in the same mood is so sad to think about. So, i drink. I am leaving at the end of september for training for a new career, and maybe getting away will help me keep my mind off the disappointments and better cope with my upsetting situation. I will miss my kids so much i can't put it into words, but in the end, things will be better.
WhyNotSayIt WhyNotSayIt
31-35, M
6 Responses Sep 9, 2012

You need to find a FWB and have your wife to the Dr. Could be hormonal. Or maybe she's tired.

She may be tired, but she's never really been eager to express herself and let go sense I've been with her. I didn't realize how self-conscious she was till later. She is scared to let go and really go at it to get herself off. I love to see women let go and grind themselves to ******, and I just wish she would use whatever she needs to ****** without fear of looking funny or feeling unattractive. In all honesty a woman out of control because of sexual pleasure is the hottest thing on earth, and I've told her, but she just can't be that person so far. She feels unattractive despite my always saying how beautiful I find her every day. Thanks for reading my story

Mines the opposite? I constantly offer sex and he will often start drinking and once he's had a few it's pretty common knowledge "things don't work". Hopefully it's something simple you can work on. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy? Has it always been like thi or just since you had kids? Could also be a hormonal deficiency. Point being it may not be you!

It seems like she has always had sex to do the minimum, and all she ever wants for herself is the minimum (weird? i think so). i'm willing to do so much more to get her to where she WANTS great sex, but it seems like she rejects because she doesn't want me to see her wanting great sex. She never has sex like she NEEDS it if that makes sense. she has always been this way. she is so scared to appear vulnerable it makes the sex life so boring. if i'm reaching something you experience too, let me know. i feel i'm describing it well, and only someone living through it could get what i'm saying.

Some women do that with sex. It's almost a fear of ******? I knew 4 women who would get close and seriously make the guy stop! I would reccomend sex therapy if you can get her to go. She might need to feel "in control". In the bedroom. Which could be a lot of fun! If she won't do that then get a few drinks in her and see if maybe that loosens her up long enought to accomplish something. Also I know 2 women who have never had an ****** from sex so they would both almost rather play cards

She has ******* and enjoys them, i'm told by her, but something exciting, less "in control," and more often would be great.

I sympathise with your pain. I used to use alcohol to mask my pain as well. Altough not an alcoholic heading out to the pub most nights drinking and socialising with the locals became my little escape from reality and my world. <br />
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Eventually i picked up the bar maid moved in with her for a while than moved back to the wife. Lesson in all this drinking never solved anything. Its just like Panadol effetcive for temporary pain relief but will not heal long term issues.<br />
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I suggest you try and cut back on the drinking and use your time away to seriously consider all options available to you.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck.

I'm not like hammered all the time. I have a few at the end of the night, but thanks for the advice. The time away will definitely give me time to think. I'll either rememeber what I love about her (not that I don't love her now, but the initial feelings get lost as years go by) and try to lay out my desires more, or if the time away doesn't help both of us, maybe new chapters in our lives. But, last night was a good one with her, and we'll see where some baby steps take us.

I totally relate to the alcohol consumption thing. It's easier to mask the pain that to feel it full force. Ultimately, you have to deal with the underlying relationship. If your spouse isn't really in love with you then sex will fade. <br />
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It could be that your spouse has changed her view of you. She may have lost respect, lost physical attraction, fallen for someone else, has a physical aversion, or something else completely different. Trying to figure out what is happening can be a vexing issue. Some will tell you that the reason doesn't matter. But if you want to learn from your experiences, and still have an opportunity to turn things around, it's worth a shot to try and find out.<br />
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Work on your relationship first. Don't make it into a sex thing right away. And keep in mind that you have to be comfortable with yourself and your image. Do things that make you happy and confident. No matter what happens, you'll be better off for the effort.

I appreciate it, but i didn't make it into a sex thing right away, and she says she loves me wants to spend time with me. I love her too, but i have an opinion about sex she doesn't share. She doesn't feel our sex life sucks. I've told her more tactfully my desires, but nothing changes. I've already gone through the questions i should ask myself about her opinion of me, but she loves me and i love her, and she just has no passion for physical intimacy. I appreciate your trying to help, but i've thought through the things you memtion. I'm writing on here because i'm running out of questions to ask myself.

I had a sexual hissy fit...this did at least get me "duty sex." :( That gets old.

It does

So it would seem the final question would be, is a beautiful wife enough, or do you need romance to go with it? The answer to that probably decides what you need to do next. Kinda sucks doesn't it?

Well, it looks like i may have found a beginning to the end of my worries. It all started tonight when after ten years i found something out. I'll write story soon.

2 More Responses

We all find a way to try to cope with the pain. I didn't drink much but I became very involved and busy with life. I traveled internationally and established a business all the while raising my kids and helping them with their homework. Super Mom. Super because I was so lonely and didn't even know that's what was propelling me until I jumped off the carousel. Jumping off the carousel allowed me to see the real problem in my marriage - it forced me out of my denial. How did I get off the carousel? I began an emotional affair with someone. I hadn't been looking for it but there it was and I realized how lonely I was...I was so lonely I was willing to go outside my marriage for the intimacy I was lacking.<br />
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The refuser always wins since you can't make someone do something she doesn't want to do. If she can't/won't/doesn't meet your physical needs, then what are your choices? I supposed drinking is one but that is a slippery, self-destructive slope which will only add to the mess in your marriage.

I know. The drinking will end soon. I'll be starting something with the new job that can send me international as well. I'm happy for your success. What's your business name? I really respect the business owner.

I feel the emotional affair thing too. I'm on the brink and not sure whether to pursue. She's a great supportive friend. It's both scary and exciting. Not sure about it, but longing for it. Well, you know the struggle.

My emotional affair was a divine intervention. It was the only thing that caused me to deal head on with the problems in my marriage. The pain of that experience also taught me alot about myself. I'm a better person for that experience and especially learned alot about setting boundaries. I'm still learning...all the time. Ultimately, I am the only one who can seek my happiness, and I get to decide what that happiness looks like.

I've got some things to think about. Thank you.

1 More Response

She is engaging in behaviours that damage the marital bond. Continuation of such behaviours will, eventually, snap that bond, which, at this stage seems stretched to near breaking point.<br />
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You are sitting back observing it happen, and necking a few brews as you observe, with no known plan other than hoping that your re-training is going to "make things better" in some mysterious and unexplained way.<br />
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Someone steps up here, or down the gurgler it goes, sunk by its' own weight. Maybe it goes down the gurgler EVEN IF someone steps up to try and sort it out.<br />
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Looks like you're elected to be the someone here. Will you accept the commission, or have another brew or two ?<br />
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Tread your own path.

Well said. I have told her i want to try to rebuild our sex life, but get ok we'll work on it with no chages. She's the mother of my kids, so obviously there's some sex, but it feel cold (figuratively) and routine rather than exciting and varying.