Second Sexless Marriage

I first married young. Our marriage gradually turned into a sexless marriage before she cheated on me. We divorced. I spent two years alone, figuring myself out and what I wanted out of life. I was picky about choosing a mate the second time around. We lived together for four years before marriage. We had a great marriage and a great sex life. But then she had a platonic love affair with a coworker. Counseling happened. It seemed I won her back. Two years later we had a child. Sex stopped. I don't need to tell anyone here the story of begging, attempts at reasoning, begging for counseling and being refused. Sex dried up fifteen years ago. I don't believe in love. I no longer believe in relationships. I'm 50+ and I'm waiting for my kid to grow up so I can be done with it all.
AnotherLonelyGuy AnotherLonelyGuy
51-55, M
6 Responses Sep 9, 2012

It seems like there are a lot of us in the same sad position!!! Is it just that we get fed up of having sex with the same person you see shaving at the bathroom mirror, sweating from doing work, turning into grumpy old people?? Wouldn't it be great if we could bottle up those feelings when we first met each other. I look at my husband and have no feelings now for him I don't like his personality, his work ethos, his new found hobby, his new friends but having been sexless for fours years and feel he is the reason for my low esteem it's hardly surprising!!!!

I understand low self-esteem. After all, we've chosen to give our intimacy to one other person for the remainder of our days and then that person decides it's not good enough. For me, it's happened twice, raising the horrible self-doubts that it's me -something I did- not them.

I appreciate the comments and your support. Had three kids from the first marriage and the common wisdom at the time was not to expose your kids to a bad marriage and better to make it quick instead of drawn out. So I divorced when the kids were young. The ex- did her best to poison their minds and did. For twenty some years I've listened to how I destroyed their lives. Countless counseling sessions with those who were willing to do it later, here I am with one 15 year old at home. I am NOT going to listen to how divorce ruined another young life. Likely, this will be the longest three years of my life, but there it is. I've remained in this marriage for my kid's sake and I'm not about to bail now.

Forget waiting till the kids are in college. You only get one life. Do you want to live it being miserable.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

im on my second time around too

Same coin, different side of it.<br />
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Wife #1 cheats on you by withdrawing intimate ex<x>pression. In that case another dude is involved,<br />
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Wife #2 cheats on you by withdrawing intimate ex<x>pression. In this case - as far as is known - there is not another dude involved.<br />
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But it is the same thing essentially. Withdrawal of intimate ex<x>pression. And your response appears to be "the college plan".<br />
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Sometimes the college plan does end up being carried out, most times it doesn't. There is always a further landmark event, like Aunty Maudes 90th birthday, to defer the day of reckoning.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I'm sorry you've lost faith in love and relationships. I think a cynical attitude is hard to avoid. But let me push back on you...<br />
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If you don't really believe then why does it matter? If relationships don't matter then you wouldn't be here offering your story.<br />
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For a long time I said "I'll never marry again" as this 25 year marriage was also my 2nd. But why did I work so hard to try to find a way to stay in my marriage? Why did I endure 3 years of couples counseling (not to mention the cost) if I didn't really believe in relationships? <br />
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Now that I am separated, I understand the negative energy the cynical type of defensiveness holds inside me. I stopped saying "never" and have replaced it with "I'm not closing myself off from anything" because when we shut down one area it spills on to everything else including the relationship with your kids. As hard as it is, I wouldn't be here if I truly didn't believe. I would have stayed with the man who loves me as best he can and called it a day.<br />
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I wish for better days ahead for all of us. Blessings to you.

I offer my story as a cautionary tale alone. Another to add to the pile so that people who are considering a lifetime commitment might think again.

Thanks for your comment.