So I Did It....

I told my wife I wanted a separation last night. Wasn't planning on doing it until her mother came back from her trip (three weeks) She took it the way I expected it; calmly! We even slept in the same bed last night. She's practical and knows throwing me out would accomplish nothing. We both know the first priority is the children. We haven't talked about specifics; I told her "I haven't seen a lawyer, whether that is stupid I'll find out, but I know you're not vindictive." She continued, "Yes, and it wouldn't be good for the children."

I spent the 15-20 minutes this morning crying in the shower. My oldest sat in my lap and ate her cereal and I couldn't help but focus on how her forearm is smaller then my hand. We went to the park later and had a nice time. My wife and I didn't really speak too much to me other except to break silence that might be noticed by the kids. I guess this is day 0. This sucks!
lonelybutnotalone34 lonelybutnotalone34
31-35, M
10 Responses Sep 9, 2012

as you can see, many of us here know the feel of the road you're now on. it's weird, difficult, ugh. but i've also experienced a lightening of my burdens, it's not been all bad, not by a long shot - the emotional landscape will change, evolve, shift, morph, and you along with it.<br />
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I went to see an attorney, got some basics understood - then we ended up going to a mediation attorney who walked us through a very structured process which is FAR better than court bullshit. I definitely recommend it, and actually think you're better off without getting the lawyers involved. Good luck!

Did you all have kids?

good point! older ones, only the youngest is still a minor but not a little one. Still, and I don't know how this plays in your state, if you guys can cooperate/mediate it will be better than the courts. You never know what sort of ******* you might have to confront. Unless something egregious is going on, I feel more secure negotiating with, or subtly manipulating, my OnceWas rather than a judge, or the ex's attorney.

Wishing you strength, wisdom and courage. Best of luck and stay strong!

I feel for you, it really is tough. I stayed for many unhappy years for the supposed benefit of the kids but in the end it felt all I was doin was just slowly killing myself. My divorce has been final for only a few weeks but the kids are doing well and adapting and seem to understand though I realize that is far beyond their comprehension level, precocious as even my oldest is. Remaining amicable with your ex is key. I have no regrets about ending the marriage but along the way I did some things that put the prospect of continuing amicability at great risk I was fortunate, I wouldn't do them again if I had it to do over again.

Good luck it really is difficult and these pages are full of people who want to do what you have started. Hope it works for you and the children.

I agree you need to see a lawyer

I would go see a lawyer asap. At first a lot of couples go down the amicable route until resentment and the other party's lawyers fill their head with ideas.<br />
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I wish you all the best. It might be day 0 but it is a beginning.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

soo sorry but wish you all the best

Sometime real soon, go and see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to get some nuts and bolts information about how a divorce will shake out for you. Whether this remains amicable or not, you need that information. So you can plan out as far as possible all the detail.<br />
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Clearly, no matter how this all shakes out, you are going to remain an engaged co-parent, and that too, needs to be incorporated into your planning.<br />
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Tread your own path.

One big step in the direction of your happiness. I have two wonderful grown-up friends whose parents were in sexless marriages, slept in seperate bedrooms for all of their childhoods and well into early adulthood. Each of these friends havepainfully struggled through relationships in their adult lives. So, before your little one's forearm has a chance to grow as big as your hand and her deep, life-long perceptions of love have formed, it reads as though you will be teaching your kids that you never have to be stuck in a life that makes you miserable.

I congratulate you!

Hard choices -- congratulations for making one and staying kind to your spouse in the process.