What Can I Say

I am 21 ive been with my husband 25 for two years and married for one. In the beginning there was so problems concerning sex. Now I go months without him even mentioning it. He says he has no desire for it. He says he isnt having sex with anyone else that he loves me and its nothing I am doing wrong. He just doesnt want to. He just doesnt have urges anymore. What am I suppose to do. How am I suppose to be fine ?
kathrynrosalie kathrynrosalie
22-25, F
20 Responses Sep 9, 2012

Get a divorce. You are too young for this nonsense. <br />
<br />
Find a real man who loves you better.

Dear Kathryn Rosalie,<br />
<br />
This is your grandmother speaking. Well, not your real grandmother, but a lady old enough to be your grand mother . . . . <br />
<br />
Sweetie, I am very proud of you - proud of how seriously you hold your vows; proud of how much love you have for your husband; proud of your commitment to giving your marriage your very best efforts and proud of you for not wanting to give up.<br />
<br />
My dear girl, you are a lovely and beautiful young woman at the start of your life. Very soon you will also be a mother. But very sadly, you are NOT a wife. This is not your fault. You are doing EVERYTHING you can to be a wonderful wife. But your husband does not need or want a wife.<br />
<br />
This is not his fault either. I'm sure he thought he wanted a wife and that you would be exactly the right person for him. Just as you thought he would be exactly the right person for you . . . . <br />
<br />
But you both made a mistake. Don't feel badly about that - most of us make mistakes, and those who say they don't are not telling the truth!<br />
<br />
I want you to understand that there are two types of mistakes. One is the type that you are thinking about when you say "There are problems in every marriage and you better learn to work threw them because if you don't then you are breaking a promise to them yourself and to your children ifyou have any."<br />
<br />
These are the problems that EVERY marriage faces. These are problems about money, house work, gardening , food shopping, jobs, child raising, cooking, entertaining, friends, in-laws, etc. etc. etc. THESE are the problems that are worth working on. These are the ones that need both of you to commit to sorting out a solution that will work for both of you. These are the problems that require your commitment and your willingness to compromise.<br />
<br />
And there is a SECOND kind of mistake - a very serious and sad mistake. This is one that should NOT be "worked on" because there simply ARE no solutions. This is the one where you marry the wrong person for you. You said:<br />
"Maybe people should think twice before saying I do if they want to just bail out on a commitment. "<br />
<br />
Dear girl, you weren't thinking about yourself when you wrote those words but they are prophetic. You are exactly the person for whom those words are right. . . . . <br />
<br />
Your husband married the wrong person too. He didn't realise he was marrying a "sex person" (person who likes sexual intimacy) and you didn't realise you were marrying a non-sex person. It wasn't that you did anything WRONG, you both made a simple and understandable mistake. A mistake that each and everyone on this forum has made. NO ONE is blaming you for that mistake - so don't blame yourself.<br />
<br />
At present, your husband is desperately trying to come up with reasons for not wanting sex with you - his weight and your pregnancy are the current issues. The tragedy is that once you are no longer pregnany and he has lost fifty pounds, he will STILL not want sex with you. How do I know? Because these "reasons" would simply not be an issue if he did want sex with you!! Lots of women have sex right up to giving birth. If it is uncomfortable in one position, the couple finds another that works better. Also, many many overweight people have fabulous sex lives!!<br />
<br />
I realise you are not yet ready to hear what I and the others are saying. I realise you will hold tight to your beliefs, because that is what young adults do when they are faced with advice from older more world weary people. (In fact, it is your DUTY to your age group to do this. If young people accepted the advice of their elders, there would never have been advances in the world. No explorers would ever have found America or Australia because their elders would have warned them that they would "sail off the end of the world"!!!)<br />
<br />
So I know you will keep right on doing what you are doing. And I am so sad to know that you are deliberately going to expose yourself, your husband and shortly your baby to this misery. It is not that you are doing wrong - it is just that this need to prove yourself will lead to unhappiness for you all.<br />
<br />
Please, KathrynRosalie, just tuck this letter (and all the other responses you have received) away until you find that your solution just does not work any longer. Until you have tried everything without success. Then get these answers out again and re-read them. Maybe then you will recognise the need to do things differently.<br />
<br />
And a final bit of advice, don't leave it DECADES to realise your mistake. Don't be like me and find your true love at fifty seven. You can save yourself thirty six years of misery, if you choose not to be too stubborn. . . . {{{hugs}}}

Have him see a Doctor, He could be lacking testosterone as I was until we checked my level. I fell better and my wife likes me better in bed to.

Feel the tension in this thread? If you do, think on how your views and anger, while legitimate, do not put you on a footing to make solid progress or good decisions. <br />
<br />
I had issues with a very unfair set of middle managers in my 20's. I got all sorts of good advice and sort of heard it. But mostly it just made me more angry. I wanted answers that let me get the situation solved my way and in my terms. Needless to say I was more interested in my own feelings than solving the core issues causing my angst in the first place. And needles to say nothing got better and I got more angry and busies associates drifted away. They saw me as a train wreck.<br />
<br />
It strikes me that you need to step way back here and think about the world views and experiences you can get here and read here. They may not be the way you go but try to put yourself in the mind set to be willing to live the suggestions you get. You came here looking for help which means your plan and world view aren't getting it done. Maybe nothing will of course.

"Needless to say I was more interested in my own feelings than solving the core issues causing my angst in the first place."

Possibly the most insightful thing I've read anywhere in a LONG time!! Thank you!

Thank you for the confidence boost.

I had a very serious discussion with him and hethinks it could be due to the fact hes some what over weight or perhaps that he may have some sort of medical problem. He said he doesnt want me to feel so badly he just isnt sure of what to do and if he could want it that he would. He said he would try his hardest to find intimacy with me in other ways until we can fix the problem and perhaps after I have my baby we can work out together so he may be able to lose some weight. I am not an over weight person and he thinks that our difference in desire stems from that. He is now the heaviest he has ever been. And.also because ofthat he is afraid to hurt the baby and was afraid if he told me I would feel badly about being.pregnant. So the advice to continue talking and talk very seriously finally worked. But what worked the best was telling him aboutthis site and all the responses I got to divorce him. He thought the problem would eventually solve its self. But after these posts he would try anything for me not to leave him.

May, might and try. Not exactly confidence-boosting. My experience is that the thing that actually works to change lives is WILL. Yours and his. Glad you've started the process by the way, keep your standards high, be true to yourself and what you're feeling.

I get the picture now of the advice you want, and the points are listed below. Bear in mind that there is overwhelming evidence on these pages that these things have a very very low success rate in producing sustainable change in an intimacy averse spouse'<br />
<br />
- scented candles<br />
- sexy underwear<br />
- romantic dinners<br />
- date nights<br />
- joint counselling<br />
- insisting spouse goes to the doctor<br />
- begging for intimate ex<x>pression<br />
- demanding sexual ex<x>pression<br />
- counter refusing<br />
- talking about it<br />
- "really" talking about it<br />
- ultimatums (otherwise referred to as "the Talk")<br />
- and many many more.<br />
<br />
With a genuine refuser, none of these things work in any sustainable way, but might get you "Re-Set sex" from time to time.<br />
<br />
If any of the above result in sustained success, then your spouse was not a genuine refuser, just a bit jaded.<br />
<br />
But when NONE of them work in a sustained way, then you have to face the fact that your spouse is indeed a genuinely intimacy averse person as far as you are concerned.<br />
<br />
And you are faced with some very unpleasant and hard choices.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

He could have low testosterone. Just have an open discussion about it.

You guys are way too young not to be having sex. At his age i was shagging the wife 4 times a day. He either has a medicle problem, doesn't find you attractive, or he is cheating on you. Because there is no excuse at his age not to sleep with you.<br />
<br />
The question you need to ask yourself is at your age you possibly have about 50 - 60 yrs of life left. Do you really want to spend them miserable and sexless??<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Oh my god you guys over exaggerate everything I say. I didnt say if someone is beating you then stay with them though some women do and seek help for themselves and husband and fix things to stay together. That doesnt work for everyone. I didnt say if he rapes you then you should stay with them. Though if your husband has to rape you to get sex maybeyou shouldnt be with holding it. I didnt say in any EXTREME situation to stay with them. If your husband wont have sex with you maybe its because of YOU. Imagine that. Maybe you ***** too much or maybe you dont do what he likes. Maybe hes bored. Maybe you should try going down on him more and actually know what you are doing. My husband doesnt know why he doesnt want it. He cant make himself want it. And he doesnt know why doing it for myself doesnt satisfy me the same because for most men it is the same thing. He isnt being an jerk he just doesnt know how to solve the problem and neither do I. So I asked for advice and I got a lecture.

It isnt just my life.. its OUR life. I am married. I joined my life to someone else's life. This isn't any moral high ground this isnt religious thing. I'm not a christian I'm not anything but a woman looking for someone to tell me if maybetheir husband has had a decreased sex drive.. if maybe it could be do to being over weight or maybe his age or maybe.. i dont know. Something. I am sorry all of you have been divorced.. I am sorry I think people should stay together no matter what.. I am not trying to **** everyone off. I have my beliefs you have yours. You aren't giving the sort of advice I am looking for. Literally one person gave me advice on how to turn on my husband. I think a woman should cook and clean and take care of the children. Women belong in the house. Women have a role and so do men. My husband is having a problem and I want to help him solve it. Because I want sex and he wants me to be happy some how.

So are YOU in a position where you have said "I dont like you anymore bye or oh you cheated bye or oh you neglect me bye.." ?? or other reasons that you think are "not good enough" ??<br />
<br />
I would have figured that by now you have likely made herculean efforts to try and fix this matter, and that 'what other people do' would be largely irrelevant to your situation.<br />
<br />
This is YOUR life, not the life of these ephemeral "other people" who "give up too easily". <br />
<br />
I am betting that you HAVE tried, extensively. But you still feel there is more trying to be done on your part.<br />
<br />
The missing part of the equation here is how much trying, if any, your spouse has undertaken. There's no evidence of ANY in your story.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Candles, hot bubble baths, sexy undergarments.<br />
<br />
You're welcome. <br />
<br />
kthnxbye

My picture of "the good old days" may not exist but I am pretty sure people weren't getting divorced over every little thing like they are now. People say oh I dont like you anymore bye or oh you cheated bye or oh you neglect me bye.. how about oh maybe you should look in the mirror. It is never one persons fault. There are two sides to every story and if people think getting divorced is the answer then they are mistaken. There are problems in every marriage and you better learn to work threw them because if you don't then you are breaking a promise to them yourself and to your children ifyou have any. Maybe people should think twice before saying I do if they want to just bail out on a commitment. I am not young and naive I am true to my word apposed to many couples who are not. My husband doesn't know why he has this problem and we don't have insurance in him at the moment so I thought maybe someone would have an alternative answer or an idea that would help. I didn't know i would be attacked or to be told to leave him. I thought maybe someone would have gone threw this before. But divorce isn't everyones answer.

Enjoy that view from Mt Moral High Ground. But be prepared for abject loneliness for as long as you decide to stay on that summit, as it is the most desolate spot in the world.

Seek pastoral advice. In most churches, your husband's refusal is grounds for dissolving the marriage.

He doesn't want it, so that's that.<br />
You don't believe in divorce, and you don't believe you have "tried hard enough" yet. So that's that.<br />
<br />
There is no evidence whatsoever that his position is ever going to change, and indeed with him knowing that you do not believe in divorce, and that you don't believe you have "tried hard enough" yet, he knows that he has carte blanche to behave as he chooses.<br />
<br />
As long as these two positions are maintained then nothing changes. Nothing.<br />
<br />
You can't change his position. That is not in your power.<br />
<br />
You CAN change yours.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Has he been to a doctor to get himself checked? It could be low testosterone, which could result in all sorts of nasty medical issues. <br />
<br />
If he refuses to get checked out by a doctor and also refuses psychological help, basically he is saying he DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AT ALL. <br />
<br />
When you got married, there was the implicit agreement that you would be having mutually agreed upon sexual relations. No one person should be able to "cut off" the other but allow them no other outlet.<br />
<br />
If he decided he wasn't ever going to eat again, would you be ok if he also cut you off from all food?<br />
<br />
You may not "believe in" divorce, but why live with someone who doesn't CARE about YOUR needs???

Him and I have talked about it many times. Just today we did. He doesn't know why I need physical intimacy. He says he just doesn't wantit and he doesn't know what I should do. He doesn't see why I cant just do it for myself all the time. He doesnt understand why its not the same thing to me.

He does not understand because he does not love you.

I think your husband has some serious issues.

"He says he just doesn't wantit and he doesn't know what I should do. He doesn't see why I cant just do it for myself all the time."
Whose idea was to get marry? The idea of marriage is involved to have sex on regular basis... So that actually makes the marriage a unique union different from any other like friendship or living together for company...
And how you manage to conceive twice?

I am pregnant. I have a two year old and I am due with my second in October. I don't believe in divorce. I think when you promise to love someone forever you don't give that up. It shouldn't be an option. People give up too easily. It wasn't always that way.

"People give up too easily"? REALLY??? Can you name even ONE person you know who got a divorce because they "gave up too easily"? Every single person I know who got divorced did so after a great deal of suffering and hard work. But maybe you live on another planet.

Um...don't be fine with it. You want sex, you are not ok without it. Shutting up about it only means you build more resentment by the time you finally blow up.<br />
Problems in relationships are best dealt with as soon as you can...and wow did I wish I had done that! Easier to learn from my mistakes than your own.

If you do not want another 50 years of it better to get out now while you can... Do not get pregnant...