Wife Initiated

My W finally initiated tonight. It turned out badly. I wasn't truly turned on and my feelings weren't true. I have to do something about it...
loyalguy loyalguy
41-45, M
10 Responses Sep 9, 2012

hmmmm...you are in the prime of your life!!! Sex at your age....oh yeah baby!!! Try some astroglide, a vibrator to help her....that will turn you on.... and 2 glasses of red wine with some Barry White blaring "Can't get enough of your love baby".....works everytime...

Same thing happened to me..except I am the wife, I am the refused (not the refuser) and I initiated....he actually submitted for the first time in YEARS...(I took a much bolder stance than normal)...but...my bark was worse than my bite..b/c I climbed on top of him, had to place my breast in his mouth and mount him and he did little. He was able to get an erection but he was not there with me mentally..it was all mechanical..and I guess it was mechanical for me too b/c I was so bored after 30 seconds that I dismounted and said "never mind". He had the nerve to say "I could finish"....my answer was to go ahead (sorry, refused turned refuser at that point).......

Sounded a lot like my situation...except she just laid there and i was aggressive....

completely understand :(

Thank you everyone for your support, truth, kindness and genuine concern.

There may be a short phase of "oh, did I overshoot the precipice" from your wife. But she will get over it quite quickly. No reason you should worry about this any longer than your wife does. Welcome to Mutually Assured Refusal.

At a certain point in a Sexless Marriage, after so much has been said and done, there is just no romantic inclination, no feeling of being loved or wanted, no pull of attraction.....it makes change all that much more needed~

What you have just met there loyalguy is the moment of clarity.<br />
<br />
I went through as we all do. I discovered the same as you that despite what the stereo type says, I need some level of connection with another human to have an intimate connection with them. If there isn't one, it just feels weird and wrong. I hadn't realised it had gone until I finally noticed it. (that will only make sense to people on here)<br />
<br />
If you have started to wake up to yourself you will now be able to realise this whole thing is wrong and that you have come to expect to be rejected, expect to not be wanted, expect not to have sex and any sudden ex<x>pression of intimacy or desire is now something that you don't feel comfortable with because it is so out of character. This my friend is the tipping point.<br />
<br />
As bazzar says, sit with this for a while, think about what comes next and where you want to go with this. The next conversation you have with your partner will be the first of a the last ones. Either you will manage to have them understand your needs and you will work together to a bright new future (sad to say but the odds are against you on this one) or you will notice the bright new world that beckons outside the door of the relationship and start to walk towards the light and away from the grey and dark of the existence you are currently in.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, think about the event. mull it over, look at the past and assess the capability of change for the future.<br />
<br />
I have been where you are and for me, this moment that you have just experienced was the saddest as I realised I had to do something and also the best, as I can look back and see the point at which I started to turn the corner. <br />
<br />
<br />
Take your time.

Alot of words to say little. With all due respect.

You will be please to know that words fail me now after your comment...with all due respect.

I found it genuine, heartfelt, personally informative and supportive. I always like lots of words in that vein.

Had that moment too....

1 More Response

Yes, you are not a robot and you have a heart and a soul that need to be nurtured just as much as your body.<br />
It's okay, you haven't lost it, don't worry about that, you just need a different woman that gets you, and wants you all the time, and not after a blue moon.<br />
Hugs

So whens the next blue moon?lol

Not till 2015

OMG that's my point, no need to wait for that, you'll get a ll rusted and it might fall off.

OMG...i better get on the ball..

1 More Response

I sympathise here. In the past when things were at their worst with my wife i lost desire for her due to the constant refusals.<br />
<br />
Sounds like this marriage is on life support. Whether or not you pull the plug is up to you. Its the old question of do you wish to keep the marriage alive and what sort of quality of life will it be or do you pull the plug go through the grieving process and start again.<br />
<br />
That choice is soley yours to make.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thanks Baz!

Oh dear.<br />
<br />
The withdrawal of intimate ex<x>pression will, eventually, achieve an out come of putting the refused spouse into a position where they no longer want it.<br />
<br />
The withdrawing of intimate ex<x>pression might be a deliberate ploy to bring about this outcome, or it might be simple dereliction of spousal responsibility, but either way, the outcome is assured. It is only a matter of how long it takes for that inevitable outcome to occur.<br />
<br />
And for you brother L, that time has occurred. <br />
<br />
You might now choose to sit with that fact a while, but at some stage soon, you'll need to begin the unravelling process. See a lawyer - yada yada yada (you've seen this before)<br />
<br />
Do your best to give it a dignified and respectful burial.<br />
<br />
I am sorry.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.