Energy Is Hard To Find And Easy To Lose

I hear in the posts and over the weekend saw in me how we become fragile or brittle. To illustrate – I build energy for working on my M in something of a balloon. Puffing it up day over day as I formulate an approach. As I expend my energy it takes almost nothing, the smallest slight, to pop the balloon. The empty and dejected feeling is strong.
 
This sounds flaky I guess, but it is amazing to me how fragile I am in the attempt to work with my wife. Or better how quickly I quit an attempt when she provides an exit to take. As if I want an excuse to run away from it. As does she – right?
 
But you know that is on me- I am the one who has decided this is worth fighting. My refuser is very happy if I am content with her world view. If I am not willing to work for this why be in this mental place?
 
I am not going to quit so easily as I have in the past – committing myself to push down the path to an end state and then decide what to do.   
 
I suppose if this stuff were easy – it wouldn’t be so hard.
NWFLMan NWFLMan
51-55, M
2 Responses Sep 10, 2012

What's missing here is her effort to blow up the balloon as well. This type of balloon requires two people consistently putting in air to keep it afloat.

We who have been refused feel tremendous responsibility for outcomes, and everywhere else in our lives our "fixing" ability is legendary. But in a marriage, both people need to be moving in the same direction. Your W is happy with the situation as you say, and you are not. Honestly, my guess is she's really not happy because she feels guilty for not giving you what you need but for some reason, she just can't.

It is difficult to come to the place of understanding - you can't change another no matter how hard you try. Accepting who she is and what she is able to give is the only choice you have to stay in your marriage. But you can't accept a marriage without intimacy.

Once again - the rock and hard place. You are on the path to your answer. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Back in the day, I recognize what you are saying very, very clearly.<br />
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Sometimes, on the way home fom work, I'd be psyching myself up, getting mentally ready to engage her when I got home, to try and provoke a conversation, which might lead to a discussion, which might lead to some discourse about us, which might flow on to getting some matters on the agenda, which might see such matters addressed, which in turn might see the marriage return to some level of functionality.<br />
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Oftentimes, I'd enter the house, interrupting her viewing of The Bold and The Beautiful (or similar) - utter a cheery "Hey, how was your day", and get an eyeroll as a response. And my determination would melt like a day old icecream.<br />
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Tread your own path.