No Sex Because *i* Find My Weight Gain Disgusting

My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years. Up until a year ago, our sex life was FANTASTIC. We had great sex and often. I was fit and toned and content with my body.

Then I suddenly started gaining weight. Regardless of exercise, diet, whatever, I gained over 70 pounds in less than a year.

I gradually became more and more disgusted with myself. We're trying to find the answer to my weight gain, but the fact is that I'm fat and can not stand being touched. I know my husband isn't attracted to fat people, so every time he touches me, I imagine how he must feel about my body. I ended up cringing away more and more until he was afraid to even curl up next to me on the couch. He did admit that he's not AS attracted to me, but says that he still is.

He is a VERY physically affectionate person and until this weight issue, we were incredibly compatible.

The worst part is that I am in the mood almost all the time. I'm desperately wanting to be touched, to feel desirable, but I just can't accept that he wants me. He says he does, he tries, but I am repulsed. I can not wrap my head around the idea that he wants to touch me, that he isn't completely disgusted by me.

I have and still am trying to lose the weight, but in the meantime, I have to figure out how get over this feeling of repulsion every time he touches me. I am so lonely I can't stand it.
lookingforhopesomewhere lookingforhopesomewhere
41-45, F
5 Responses Sep 10, 2012

Body acceptance issues are very difficult to deal with, I know. I understand you don't have insurance, but it might be possible to find free or very low cost psychiatric care from a college. Perhaps from an intern or something of that nature? And depending on your income, some psychiatrists have a sliding scale for fees. You could do some checking around there also.<br />
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I really feel your anguish. If your husband is still sexually attracted to you and is still affectionate, please, please try very hard to accept his affection until you can get to the bottom of the weight gain. As has been said already, that kind of weight gain without trying and while still exercising and eating right indicates something is out of whack. <br />
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I wish you the best.

You need a good endocrinologist. There must be something going on with you physically. Or look at any meds you might be taking, as suggested already.<br />
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The crux of the matter is that your husband loved you before you gained weight and he still loves you no matter what your body looks like. If you let the weight kill your marriage you will regret it. Work on that. Work on getting the issue medically sorted out. If I were you I would be at a doctor or medical center every day making sure someone was really looking at this.<br />
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Find a doctor that can look at the body holistically. Mine once said to me "a good doctor conducts the symphony, he doesn't play an instrument". They have to be able to see how all the parts relate to each other. Too many specialist doctors nowadays don't know how to conduct the whole symphony of the body anymore. It takes some work. I've switched doctors many times but your health, your self image and your marriage are all on the line.

Thanks. We don't currently have insurance, so I'm having to do all testing through free clinics which aren't available often. We've been trying, though. My husband may have health insurance within a couple of months, hopefully, and then I will be able to look into it further.

I totally agree with everything you've said, here, I just don't have the $ at the moment. It is very frustrating.

My wife put on 100 pounds, and this was partly the cause of The Year Of No Sex... The ramifications of that year are still bubbling toxically...I wanted her, she felt gross, she turned me down over and over and over. Gawd it made me so very angry! There she was, but I couldn't make love to her. My hurt damaged the relationship...and still is, and it may be damaged beyond repair.<br />
Enna30 has it right-and yes this is a big fricken' crisis! Go get help!

I agree. I don't know where to go get help. I currently have no insurance and no way to pay for help. All of the medical help (or rather testing) I've gotten has been through free clinics.

The thyroid would be the most obvious thing to look at. Especially if your hair and nails got thin and brittle...Look into city, county and state low-income clinics.

Your story mentions several times that he still wants to touch you, does touch you, and says he wants to touch you.<br />
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A reasonable assumption would be that he is NOT intimacy averse to you.<br />
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Looks like this one is on YOU. YOU are the one with issues about your body, not him.<br />
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I'd suggest that you need to seek appropriate treatment, because withdrawing intimacy from your spouse - whether deliberately or by accident - will ultimately kill the relationship stone dead. And, the clock is running on that process.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I KNOW the issue is all me. I KNOW that it is ME that finds me disgusting. I know that there are underlying health issues that I can't immediately fix, but I am trying, what I don't know is how to learn to accept myself, even temporarily.

You URGENTLY need psychiatric and medical help. If you have inexplicably gained 70 pounds you must have a serious medical issue underlying this sudden weight gain.<br />
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You also urgently need psychiatric help to assist you to overcome your own dislike of your body. Your husband may not have the problem with your weight that you sem to think he does. What does he say about this? And how is he reacting to you?<br />
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Do not allow your own anxiety about your body to ruin your sexlife. Ensure you get the help you need NOW!

if your taking any kind of meds, id look into it.....many meds increase ur appetite.

I know I need help accepting my body. I know that something is medically wrong. I don't eat much, I have no appetite, I eat healthy/clean, I've tried cleanses, juicing, no grains, no dairy, etc.

I don't take meds, and I've been to numerous clinics/doctors since April. They've run so many tests just to tell me that everything is normal and they blow me off like its no big deal. They say, "Well, you're getting older, that's just how it is."

My husband isn't the one that has a problem with my body. I am. I can't afford psychiatric help at the moment, as there aren't any free clinics for that.

I'm trying to figure out how to gain even a little acceptance of my body. I have no idea how to do that. None.

I am so sorry to hear the doctors are so unhelpful. Have you tried seeing an alternative therapist such as a naturopath? Maybe you could get help that way.

I suggest you contact an eating disorder group to find out about ways to accept your body./ I'm sure they would have some useful references for you. {{{Hugs}}}