Unresolved FeelingsThose who are unfamiliar with my stories may want to go back and read, to see how my marriage has evolved. My marriage gradually lost sexual contact over a period of years, until we became completely sexless. Since around May of this year, my husband has been in weekly therapy and we have been successfully rebuilding our marriage and sexual connection.
Today, I was blindsided by some very strong feelings that I didn't even know I had buried inside. I was IMing with Husband while he was at work, about some future plans, and he mentioned our wedding anniversary in early October. He said that he wants to do something special to celebrate the day with me, and spend lots of one-on-one time. He said he wants to change our pattern of the past several years, which was to either let the day pass without comment, or just say "Happy anniversary" to each other and nothing else. He said that I'm special to him, and he wants to celebrate what's really important.
...And I was not expecting to feel what I did. These past several years, I have let the day pass without really thinking of it too much; I felt disconnected from the meaning of that occasion, like it just was no big deal. Not resentful or anything; just too busy or distracted or whatever. But today, when Husband said those things about our anniversary... I suddenly realized that I had slowly lost my caring about it, as a way of coping with my ambivalence about our marriage and his lack of caring. I suddenly realized how very, very much it DID hurt, that our anniversary had become so meaningless.
I think it's wonderful that Husband has been placing more importance on his love and feelings for me. I think it's good that he has a renewed appreciation for our marriage, and he's stopped taking it for granted. But I am finding it a little difficult to realize how much this really did hurt, though I guess I had simply stuffed down the pain of it.
Even as I write this, I feel quite teary. Pushing away a spouse for years, has an effect that lasts long past the time when it happens. I know I need to let this go-- but I realize now: I can't let the feelings go until I've allowed myself to FEEL them, first.
Also... I can't believe how completely I used to trust my husband... with my emotions, my heart... always believing his kind-sounding words over his less-than-kind actions. It happens so gradually, that when you're young, you don't even see it coming... And really, we were both SO, so young.
LovelyAlone 36-40, F 2 Responses 6 Sep 10, 2012