I Did It...update

Well I can say now that I have officially done it and said the words after the Talk, that I want a divorce. She actually took it well the first time, then went for a walk, and when she comes back it didn't go quite as well. She was obviously upset as was I, it is still the hardest thing I've done (and I've served in war overseas), but I am thankful I finally did it, though now I'm in a hotel. I was not nearly strong enough as some of you who have the talk and then can stay in the house that night. We obviously still have some financial issues to work out, as I make more money, and she's never thought about saving before, even though I've talked to her about it repeatedly (she really likes shopping). The only other things are the dogs, since as I said in my previous stories we don't have any kids. Her major issues were that she cant afford a divorce, though I'm not a complete *** (no matter what she thinks now) and I'm going to help her financially to at least get started. I thought it funny her other major issue was a wedding coming up in a couple weeks we were going to, and that she still wanted me to attend with her, I had objections to that and actually stuck to my guns about not going. So I'll update again later, but today did completely suck, I know things can't get worse. I finally told myself I can't just keep thinking about it, it's not fair to me or her. I realized I couldn't wait for the perfect day or time, as there is no good time for this talk. Well that's it for now, until I get depressed later, though honestly the initial feeling is relief. Thanks for the stories and comments here, and don't wait forever to the rest of you who are waiting.
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17 Responses Sep 10, 2012

big hug out to you tonight....I feel your pain...have been there. If this is truely what you wanted and it seems to be, please know that it will get better. My best advice is to cry if you need to, feel like crap if you need to..etc,etc..go thru it all w/o fighting the emotions...it's much easier and goes much faster that way...one day you'll walk thru your front door after work or wake up and feel like you're finally "thru it"..trust me..it will work just like that!!

Wow, it's all about her. Sounds like you did the right thing. Good for you!

Hold tight and stay strong. The first few days are the hardest. When you feel like taking itall back, give yourself twenty four hours before you say or do anything. That will help you avoid making a decision with your emotions that you may later regret.<br />
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All of us here on ILIASM are here to support you. Come to us if you need guidance, help, support, a stiff talking to or a {{{hug}}}.

Good luck in your new journey it is so much easier when you haven't got kids to make the decision!!! I'm sure you will be fine there are a lot of people out there who just want to be loved

Stop being such a nice guy. It will only cost you more. <br />
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Yeah, I bet she took your request for a divorce well --- that is what she actually wants. Like my refuser, she probably never thought past her own nose to figure out that divorce leads to less free money. So, no surprise that she had a delayed reaction of being upset.<br />
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Congratulations, by the way. I wished I had your strength when I was your age.

I envy your strength.....good luck, best wishes...

Good job. There is no "right time" to tell your spouse you're leaving. Aside from ensuring there are no distractions...it is what it is.<br />
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You've included some telling details about your wife's personality. She sounds more concerned about appearances than actual substance. Good grief...who cares about an upcoming wedding when your marriage is ending? Looking on the bright side, maybe this will force her to reprioritize...we can only hope :)<br />
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Now, the responsibility falls on you to maintain resolve and get this thing done.<br />
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We're here for ya!

The important thing here is that you did it. You took action, consistent with who you are. What's more you did it after a long long period where you raised your issues and gave her every chance to respond.<br />
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She did not respond, so she can hardly have been surprised now - your previous account of how she thought it was "better" pretty much sums up the impossibility of improvement. I think as well, her response is consistent with her upset being mainly about loss of finance and position rather than being bereft she's lost you.<br />
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So, not surprised you're relieved, congratulations.

Comes the hour, comes the man.<br />
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You the man !!<br />
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Tread your own path.

Better to act now than to think it will get better. If you tried counseling, and there still isn't intimacy (and there are no physical reasons for that like serious illness), then hoping and praying things will get better are a waste of time and your life. I'm 61, married nearly 40 years, and my wife has NEVER had much interest in sex, intimacy, touching, cuddling, etc. It only got worse over the years, my hoping something would turn things around. I tried everything. Read every book on the subject of sex and intimacy. Loved her with all my heart. Took her on great vacations, special weekends-away, praised her, was proud of her and still think she is beautiful. Nothing worked. Nothing changed. So here I am, with fewer years behind me than ahead, a wife who hasn't worked in decades and is dependent upon me, trapped in a relationship where my caring for her and not wanting to hurt her makes the thought of leaving insanely painful... feeling more and more like my life is over all but the funeral.... I should have divorced her and moved on YEARS ago (we have no children, so that was a non-issue). Here's my take: if you have truly tried to make this work, you have not been abusive to her, and she is already distant and cold -- MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. There are thousands of women out there who would love to give a good man a full and rich relationship including great sex and intimacy. Don't make my mistake because when you get to my age, you'll regret it forever. I'll never get back the nearly 40 years of unhappiness, and likely will die a frustrated and miserable old man. I pray a better life for you, my friend.

Thanks for that honest advice. Your words are the truth and help me to know that I am indeed doing the right thing by divorcing my wife. I truly appreciate your candor.....you seem trapped in a very painful relationship. I thank you for the warning and I value your advice. I am getting out and will find one of those loving women out there!

I'm like you... waited too long... and now its too late... its a sad world...

Hi Robert, I'm in a very, very similar situation to you. She tries her best but you can tell when it's more practically based than from any true desire. I'm 60 and rather than waiting and hoping on a false hope, I truly believe it'd be better for my health &amp; overall well being to leave. Also like your's, she is a lovely lady but can't let enough of her show to be truly intimate, the connection just isn't there. Whether I'll be brave enough to do it I don't know, but my gut tells me I should!

That was very brave! Hang in there and know that you have support from all of us here. It will get better. Take it one day at a time.

Hey I'm new to this site and also in a sexless relationship. I was just curious if your earlier posts/stories were still up to view? I wanted to see everything that made you come to this conclusion.

There is an old saying, "There's no time like the present." You couldn't be more right about waiting. If you're unhappy and you've unearthed every stone, there's nothing more that can be said or done. You've spoken your truth and become empowered by it's conviction. Yes, it's not over yet but making the decision is the hardest part. Once that happens, the rest just follows along. Blessings to you.

Wow !!! I had no idea but commend you for being brave enough to get out of this hell so many of us are living ....and if you ever need to talk I will be here for you....I'm sorry to see your marriage end but at the same time applaud your bravery and the future can only be brighter ahead!!!!!!

You're absolutely right. There is no good time no matter what for something like that. The next months or longer are going to have ups and downs. I admire your courage to take the next step. It's difficult, but yet also a relief at the same time. Stay strong my friend...

I'm sorry your marriage didn't workout but I'm so happy you had the courage and foresight to end it while you could. I so wish I had known then what I know now. Everyday I think about why I didn't run screaming. Now kids, home family and 28 years have passed in a dead lifeless marriage. <br />
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Good luck and stay strong.

That took a tremendous amount of courage and I can tell you are hurting now but it will get better. And you owe it to yourself not to remain in a marriage that is unsatisfying and unhealthy. Stay strong!