So, here is my story..........

My husband and I got married 6.5 years ago on the beach in Aruba. It was the most beautiful day of my life~besides the birth of our 4 year old daughter. We have been together for 14 years total. The sex in the beginning was alright. Unfortunatly, the sex has diminished. My husband told me about 2 years ago that he is no longer attracted to me. Granted, I have gained about 45lbs since I have gotton married. We went through invitro to have our daughter over 5.5 years ago. The invitro drugs really took a tole on my body. However, I do try to eat healthy and excercise. It is not as though I am not trying to lose the weight. My body seems to be at a stand still. I have pre-diabetes, which makes it very hard for me to lose the weight. Anyways, I am just so unhappy with our sexless marriage.

It makes me feel less of a woman. I want my husband to find me attractive, but I guess that isn't going to happen. Even when I was "skinny," my husband hardly ever wanted sex. I seriously think that he is using my weight as a cop out of having sex. Well, recently I sent my husband a tex that said, "do you have erectile dysfunction?" he replied back saying, "my erection comes and goes." I took that as a "YES!" he does has ed. So, I was so happy to find some sort of answer, because for all this time, he has been blaming our sex life on my weight.

I made him a urologist appoinment yesterday. I told him last night after eating chinese food that I made him an appointment for him at the urologist. He said, "what kind of doctor is that?" So, i said it is for his ed. He said that he doesn't understand why i think that he has ed. I then just went upstairs to take a bath. I am at my wits end. Maybe, I jumped the gun with his comment about having ed.

Please if anyone has any advice???????? I need help!
Emotional1 Emotional1
36-40, F
19 Responses Sep 11, 2012

Hi fionaanne,<br />
<br />
My husband too has high blood pressure. He gets erections too, and just does not have any interest is sex. At this point, I am giving up on trying. I have done many things to get his attention, but he just goes on playing Xbox or watching his tv show. It is so upsetting-I know..about 6 years ago I got a bikini wax. I was all excited about it, and he could of cared less. When I was thinner, it didn't make a difference either. He loves me, and I love him, but accepting a sexless marriage is hard to do. Feeling desired by husband will never happen, and I either have to accept the fact or move on. I'm sorry that u and I have to feel incredibly insecure, but I don't see my situation changing in any way!! I hope that u and hubby's can somehow build some intimacy. Do u have children? How long have u been married?

I am so sorry to hear of your problem. I am going through a similar experience. The only difference is I am not overweight. I am also a gym rat. He gets erections. He claims he has no desire for sex. He's 53, has controlled high BP and Diabetes. We love each other very much. He's never said he doesn't want me. But I feel like he doesn't. I hope you can find my story at my site and read it. I am new here. I don't know too much about how things work. I hope things get better for you and your husbavd

I say get out! It won't get better

"He said that he loves me more than anything, and he would do anything for me." <br />
Except have sex with you ... apparently. What a great guy....<br />
<br />
A word of warning about his excuses... the one he's using now has already made you feel bad about your weight. What happens when you lose the weight and he invents another excuse that makes you feel bad about that part of you too. His BS excuses will continue to attack your self esteem and keep you running around in circles trying to 'fix' yourself. <br />
<br />
You don't need fixing.

I know! Well today is a new day. I am going to pray about my situation. With God all things are possible. I like how you said I don't need fixing. That is so true! Thank you for that comment. Yup, I am going to try to lose the weight for me! Not for him! I have decided not to have sex anymore anyways. It just complicates things. Taking a year off from sex (that happened maybe once every 3-4x a month) will give me some time to do things for myself. I have a breast reduction in less than a month. I am getting really excited not to have to carry around these big ddd's anymore! That alone, is going to make ME feel better about myself.

I commend you for taking some form of inititive. <br />
ED is not an always thing. so Yes he does have it. That it is only sometimes is good. It means there is not permanent damage. He should go, as ED is an early sign of all sorts of nasty health problems. The problem is this, No man alive wants to admit he can't get it up. Pride get's in the way of common sense. If his leg wouldn't work, he would get to the Dr. immediately. I hope you see my point! <br />
Him avoiding sex, because he may be afraid it won't work when he wants it to, and you will feel less of him. <br />
He should go, you should go with him! If you don't he will blow it off, or tell the Dr. he really does not have a problem. Not sure why he would tell you he is not attracted to you. That just seems very uncalled for. My ex. wife refused sex for years. finally she told me it was because she was not attracted to me. Truth was, she was having anxiety issues.Somehow destroying my desires for her was important to her. I don't think she realized this meant the end of the relationship. I don't think she even thought that far ahead. <br />
good luck!

Important part of relationship;<br />
<br />
Togetherness 14yrs, Married since 6.5 years, daughter 4 years old<br />
<br />
Health Issues;<br />
45lbs, Lack of flexibility of body, Pre-diabetes,<br />
<br />
Emotional Issues;<br />
According to Husband, he is not interested in sex with you,<br />
<br />
Positive Assumption: he might no longer interested in sex, you might not be attracted to him when it comes to sexual drive, Symptoms of ED, Symptoms of Diabetic<br />
<br />
Negative Assumption: Might have relation with another woman or man, <br />
<br />
His Positive Reaction; communication, he is honest about his statement, for avoidance he could have pretended of having ED and no longer interested in diagnosis as well, <br />
<br />
His Negative Reaction; Not checking up with Doctor <br />
<br />
Your Positive Reaction: acceptance of your health issues,<br />
<br />
Your Negative Reaction: Self defense mechanism of accepting that you are no longer attracted to him, and you started assuming he is suffering from ED,<br />
<br />
Suggestion For You:<br />
<br />
Be Positive, <br />
- Sex is important but not ONLY ANSWER for successful marriage,<br />
- People face lot more problems in marriage life than sex<br />
- Learn mechanism how to satisfy yourself<br />
- Keep maintaining emotional bonding with husband by hugging and kissing,<br />
- Don't over react on Non Active Sex Life, accept it and him and SMILE <br />
- Develop soft skill of taking care of him and show respect and love for him that will create strong bonding with each other,<br />
- Reduce Weight, but avoid too much talks and thoughts about weight all the time, infact it is better if you give surprise to every one in social circle than make situation expected<br />
- allow him to have sex with another person whom he finds attractive with prior permission and keeping you in confidence, this might bring umpteen no. of respect and love for you... if does,<br />
<br />
Suggestion For Him:<br />
<br />
- try to convince him for testing of diabetic<br />
- try to convince him for ED testing <br />
- ask permission of having paid sex in exchange of allowing him to have sex with another person, which might resolve the issues of sex drive and satisfaction... and might keep your togetherness alive when it comes to social and emotional requirement,<br />
<br />
My suggestion of last point in both the para has to be taken care with cautions, it might work wonderfully and might work adversely, you are better person to judge each other and your relationship....<br />
<br />
in bottomline understand when you both are together emotionally and socially then don't allow this trivial issue of SEX to overcome, <br />
<br />
all the best and love...

OMG! Thanks so much for taking the time to write all of these wonderful suggestions. Gosh, you really went above and beyond. I like how you said that sex is important, but not the only answer for a succesful marriage. That is very well put. The good thing is that he always shows affections to me with hugging and kissing(pecks that is)....If we didn't have that affection, I wouldn't feel any kind of connection to him. Also, when you mentioned not to talk about the weight thing, I think that is key!!! Thanks again for all your suggestions! :)

The lack of sex is, most likely, a symptom of deeper emotional issues. Accepting the lack will not help, unless physical issues are found by urologist.

@Emotional1 - that write up was came from experience, believe me i had heavy duty emotional turmoil

@GibbySan - Her life is much more complex because she seems highly attached with her husband and same time she doesn't have any other relationship whom she can rely on... so its not advisable for her to react on surgical manner...

@XP42 - who all have emotional issues so that theory can not be over ruled but she need to take steps which can addresses max. assumed theories...

in nut shell i believe giving time &amp; space to such issues always end well...
and ya remember you "Emotional1" need to reduce your weight for yourself, and once you are done you can write to me... i will definitely surprise you &amp; your hubby... promise, so now you need to reduce for that 'SURPRISE'

wishing you best for togetherness :-)

Fact of the matter is, that he is intimacy averse to you.<br />
<br />
That he is hiding behind assorted bullshit excuses does not alter the fact that he is intimacy averse to you. His bullshit excuses have however, deflected you away from the key fact - that he is intimacy averse to you - and got you chasing shadows. He is not chasing shadows at all, because he KNOWS that he is intimacy averse to you, but it suits him to have you off chasing shadows, as it keeps you from the core issue, namely that he IS intimacy averse to you.<br />
<br />
See, even if you successfully 'guess' why he is intimacy averse to you, that will not alter the fact that he IS intimacy averse to you.<br />
<br />
Got a question for you. <br />
"If it was beyond doubt that your spouse was intimacy averse to you, would that be a dealbreaker for you?"<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

the thing is that he kisses, hugs, and spoons me all the time. indeed, it's not easy living in a sexless marriage, but I am in fact going to make our marriage work, no matter what it takes. i have never heard the term intimacy averse. thanks for that. i will try to look up some info on the web to see if in fact that is our situation. Thanks again for commenting. Every little bit helps!

"I am in fact going to make our marriage work" ------
My dear, one person cannot make a marriage work. It takes at least two. You have made a statement of intention, of hope, of belief, but not of "fact". What is the definition of success mean in this case? That you remain married and both unsatisfied? Does your definition of marriage and his include sexual expression? Would you have married if he told you that sex was not going to be a part of your lives together? Consider those answers, and reflect on the differences between a wedding, and a marriage. You definately had a wedding. But in terms of how you define it, do you have a marriage?

Getting back to that pivotal question - "If it is beyond doubt that he is intimacy averse to you, would that be a deal breaker for you ?"

Even if it was your weight, (ant it's not) but even if it was, what an insensitive ***** to tell you that. What a *****, I have put on weight too, and if my H ever used that against me I would just die, I feel your pain, and I hope this doesn't affect your self esteem.

I know...it is very hurtful~to say the least! My self esteem isn't at an alltime high right now, but it's not going to bring me down. I will continue to try and lose some weight. With God All things are possible.

thinking about it, I am really surprised my H never used this excuse, really, I have always had issues, even when I was thin I saw myself fat and ugly, this is really something.
I'm glad he didn't, really glad, cause it would have worked too, I would have never wanted to have sex ever with anyone. EVER!

To all the sex men here living in a SM... if you have a wife who has put on weight since you met her, do you find her attractive still despite the weight and (notwithstanding counter-refusal that may be in place) would you have sex with her - extra weight and all - if she was eager, desirous and came after you with a willing spirit and love in her heart?

Does this question aplpy to woman too, because my H doesn't look quite the same in his bikini but I'd still tap that!

That answer depends. I have been attracted to women who were overweight up to what might be described as "curvey" or full figured. I dated one who gained weight, and I remained wildly attracted. I have also turned my head on occassion for various curvey, fuller figured types who I meet and even some who I just oggle from afar if they "wear it well". By that, I mean they need an especially cute face and probably good fashion sense, and likely a sensual demeanor. Some women just radiate sex appeal regardless. But those are often extraordinarily sexy women, and if I'm honest, I'd probably be more attracted if they were more fit. I think a lot of it really has to do with how women carry themselves. If they call attention to it, or fight compliments, or carry themselves in a frumpy or defeated manner, I'm not inclined to be attracted. Not that they need my endorsement.

Thanks everyone for their responses. Its nice to have some feedback, both positive and negative that is. So, as for us, I am going to try to lose the weight. That is all I can do. My husband is wonderful in every other way, so I will try once again. He stated to me clearly this evening that he does not have ed. Alrighty then, it's on me again. I guess, it is what it is! Marriage is not easy~to say the least! I won't give up on my weight loss, nor will I give up on my marriage.

genguy good anology

I dont want to be harsh, but he has clearly told you he is no longer attracted to you. Which part of that do you not believe?<br />
<br />
At the end of the day it really doesnt matter WHY he is not having sex with you. All that matters is that he is not.<br />
<br />
Now you can either start to plan an exit strategy and put yourself first or you can stay with this guy and live out your days in a miserable existence.<br />
<br />
The choice is soley yours.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

there is a saying that oprah has.....<br />
<br />

True! We have a long road ahead of us!

Nope, I am going to do this for myself. **** him, and the supermodel that he wants beside him. I love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me, so I will try again for ME!!!!!!!!!!!

No, actually I am going to spend the rest of my life being happy with who I am. I am doing this for myself. Attempting to get him to want me, would be impossible in my eyes. So, with that said, I will continue to truck on. With God, all things are possible.

he may use ur weight as a excuse for not having sex... but thats all it is ......an excuse... he will use anything he has to throw in ur face to make it look like ur the problem and not him... belive i know..... im on my second sexless relationship..

1 More Response

Hi, I weigh about the same now as I did when we married 11 years ago...if anything I've lost about a stone...but since my husband found out he was infantile we have rarely had sex. He's lost interest. Do you think your husband is in the same position? Mine won't get psychological help...good luck...here's a hug from me xxx

Hi, I think I may have ed but the reason is probably due to self abuse via the internet. Do you think he is using other forms of arousal to get his share of desire? If so, he may be disinterested because of his alternative supply of eroticism?


Um...as far as the weight-loss and pre-diabetes thing goes...were in in that pair of shoes I would take metformin-which stimulates the body to use insulin better, plus chromium picolinate supplements, and I'd include konjac and cinnamon in my diet.<br />
<br />
I went vegan a while back because I do not want to develop diabetes-and 3 of my grandparents were type2 diabetics. The one who wasn't died of a heart attack at 52 o.O so I really wanted to not have all that...I also don't usually eat stuff with sugar, I use truvia or sweet n' low.<br />
<br />
As for the unhorny husband...the only lesson I have to pass on from my messed-up marriage: Don't let resentments fester. Deal with them diplomatically, calmly, kindly, but deal with 'em.<br />
...He has one pen!s, which seems to not be working so well. <br />
He has two hands and a tongue that I assume are working just fine...

You are in a tough spot, alot depends on what you want. What does he want, what about your child or the house if you have one.

I wonder if my husband has low testerone which is stopping him getting the urge to want sex and even tried to discuss this with him.'i know you can get injections for this problem but he can't be bothered to go to the Dr. We always seem to be arguing and I know half my problem is that I am living in a sexless marriage and have for the last four years! It's on my mind all the time that we have no intimacy and I have wondered if he is closet gay but he was horrified when I suggested this at one time! My conclusion is that he is just happy for me to be his cook, cleaner, housemaid, mother to his kids and this is not what I signed up for!!! it's very sad that there are a lot of us in this unhappy situation. I definitely wouldn't be here if it wasn't for destroying our gorgeous kids lives!!

Sexless marriage sux!!!!! I hate it, but I am willing to work at our marriage. We too, have a beautiful daughter, and she deserves a mommy and a daddy. Evidently, he does not have ed! He clearly stated that this evening!!!!! So, with that said, I will just keep on trying.......................boy this sux!

Read on here, as many have been in your shoes. Including myself to a degree. You can only own your own health etc, and you are doing whatever it takes to stay healthy. From what you post, he has a problem with sex - whether it's physical or emotional - that may have nothing to do with whatever weight you are (and 45 lb is not morbid obesity!!!). <br />
<br />
It may well be over in your marriage. You cannot MAKE him go to the doctor or MAKE him admit there's a problem that's at least partially his fault. You can only guide your own actions. <br />
<br />
Many of us on here have "lost the weight" and had no change in the spouse's affections. A true spouse would be encouraging and still affectionate, particularly as you make an attempt to get in shape.

Please consider my post in "Confused"<br />
<br />
I would add, sort of by definition, you jumped the gun. <br />
<br />
Many here suggest loving, respectful, face to face discussion - I find that so much harder than an email, it is more intimate- but intimacy is what I want back in my M so I try not to run from it. Epic fails of course - but trying is a beginning.<br />
<br />
His remarks tell you he has checked out - elected to be curt and childish in his responses. It may not be fair but I believe this is now your fight. That is you will need to pour in the energy to draw him back to real grown up discussion - and you will have to work hard from a sincere loving position to do it.<br />
<br />
If he is no longer attracted to the inner you after the outer you is exactly what he fell for (I truly believe healthy men give an aging exception) and he is not checked out of the communication part -- then hard decisions for you will follow.<br />
<br />
Finally I suggest at this point to not make doctor apts for your man - he owns his own health, if not he is not doing his part in the marriage or living responsibly as a father in general. Don't take over the things he must do.

Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it!!!!!! :)