Shouldn't Have Gotten Married In The First Place

The signs were there before we got married. She had already started to shut down. Now that we're married, we live a sexless existence. Lately, she's also developed some health problems, so it's very difficult to think of leaving her (I do care about her). But now I'm afraid I'm going to end up having an affair. Any suggestions on dealing with this?
unhappyyuppie unhappyyuppie
26-30, M
9 Responses Sep 11, 2012

Change your entire point of view. (btw, I have almost completed a Marriage and Family Therapy degree, just a little while left!) It is counter-intuitive, but happily married people are focused on both people trying to make the other happy, not make themselves happy. When you stop worrying about how she isn't satisfying YOU and start worrying about satisfying HER (I'm talking everything, not just sex,) then things will improve. Even sex might make a re-appearance! If you do this sincerely, then you will find yourself falling more deeply in love with her, and she with you. <br />
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Also, talk to her about these struggles. Make her aware (gently,) that you miss sex, even though you are trying not to focus on it. The only feelings that should be hidden in a marriage are the ones that rise when she says, "Does this make me look fat?" ;)

So you are 'all but' a Marriage and Family Therapist ?
I guess your other interest groups - "I have sucked a total stranger" "I want people to see me naked" "I fantasize about being raped" and "I am an exhibitionist" give you a breadth of life experience that the average counsellor doesn't bring to the table too often.

Yeah. What bazzar said. Makes one think.

I love how a degree or diploma makes someone think they have the life skills to fix other people's problems, technical or psychological or other. "I have my B.Sc. in chemistry, so of course I could run a nuclear facility on my own!" "I have my B.A. in American History, so of course I understand completely what it's like to be a Black kid growing up in a White neighbourhood!" "I have a diploma in Marriage and Family Therapy, so of course I know all there is to know about sexless marriages!"

Change your entire point of view. (btw, I have almost completed a Marriage and Family Therapy degree, just a little while left!) It is counter-intuitive, but happily married people are focused on both people trying to make the other happy, not make themselves happy. When you stop worrying about how she isn't satisfying YOU and start worrying about satisfying HER (I'm talking everything, not just sex,) then things will improve. Even sex might make a re-appearance! If you do this sincerely, then you will find yourself falling more deeply in love with her, and she with you. <br />
<br />
Also, talk to her about these struggles. Make her aware (gently,) that you miss sex, even though you are trying not to focus on it. The only feelings that should be hidden in a marriage are the ones that rise when she says, "Does this make me look fat?" ;)

Do not stay, there WILL BE NO CHANGE! Get out now while you have less money invested together, like a big house, boats, big house or houses. Get out while she is still working, while you have some energy to start over. Get out! Again....THERE WILL BE NO CHANGE!

When I first signed on here in January, I thought - I'm different than everyone here, my spouse has severe health issues.<br />
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The big lesson everyone taught me was that I can be a better caregiver if I'm NOT MARRIED TO HIM!!! <br />
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Thus we are now separated, he lives in the same house, we co-parent, and I am more or less caregiver when needed. I do not expect any sex - at this point I would not want it from him - I am free to go about my business as I am no longer married.<br />
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Why stay in an unhappy marriage just because one partner happens to have health issues?

With no back story to help, and a bare 5 lines of info, you invite the membership to make some suggestions.<br />
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In keeping with your brevity, I'll keep it short.<br />
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You can stay in this situation as best you can (which might mean cheating which might blow up the marriage into a divorce anyway)<br />
- or<br />
You can leave.<br />
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Tread your own path.

OH MY! So soon! I lived in a sexless marriage for 15 yrs. Yes! I stayed hoping things would improve, but the less sex, the happier she was. She did not want to change.<br />
At least the first 8 yrs or so were filled with intimacy.Sex came when we had time, but it seemed we had sex more often than not. I eventually left. I saw no future. She treated me as a room mate, one she did not particularly like that much. <br />
She still blames me for wrecking a wonderful marriage. But if I press her, get her mad, she will admit she was horribly unhappy.

Been there Irish!!

It only gets worse and worse, there will be appologees at first, she will promise it will get better, you'll have one great night of sex and she'll say..."We just did that" more and more until she won't even listen when you mention that it's been 6 months, but she'll still take the expensive gifts and be nice while your watching TV. Then it'll look like she is laughing at you when you say how long it's been.

Got that right. when I would mention that were not really married anymore, just room mates she would come unglued. Then I would ask..".Do you even know when the last time we had sex was, or even the last time we slept in the same bed?" She had no idea, but was sure it was not that long ago! Yeah! Try 10 plus years baby! She had no trouble driving the BMW, living in the big house on the coast, but couldn't find her way to even give me a hug! **** on her! It's been six yrs now since I left her fat ***, and I am not one bit sorry about it!

If you know you're gonna end up cheating, then you should just leave her just to be fair. Or else, think if you can make it down the road until you turn 80. Sound scary? Then it's time to pack....

Dumb ***.<br />
I wish I could say that every time I read a story similar to your, <br />
If all the signs were there, WHY DID YOU MARRY HER?<br />
Did he trap you, do you think she knew what she was doing? <br />
If YES then she's a manipulator and you should not feel bad.

Why are you afarid of leaving her now that she is in ill health? She wasn't afraid of torturing you with a sexless existence.<br />
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You reap what you sow.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck