Her Turn!So...I've been going through a lot of grief and rage.
I did not realize that I was dying the death of a thousand tiny nicks inside, until the suppression... just broke.
...Tonight it occurred to me my love for her...seemed to be going away...and it further occurred to me...this was her last chance.
Her very last chance.
That I was very close to being no longer in love with her.
When I came home, she'd stayed awake to say hi...and it occurred to me what I needed to do now.
I told her that she kept saying that she loved me.
Now, I have decided it's her turn to prove it.
I pointed out that in our courting days, it was me pursuing her. She agreed, that it was so.
This time around, she can pursue me. She said she didn't know how to do that, and I told her she'd better figure out how then. I need more attention, more closeness, and more sex. She'd better start chasing.
I know it's going to feel weird, since for the past ten years it's been me pursuing her, her pushing me away. I'm going to have to really work to be open to her advances, no matter how odd or awkward.
If she takes a step in the right direction, I need to be ready for it with open arms, to reward the behavior I want to increase.
But I feel really, really relieved right now. I feel like I have been doing the heavy lifting...for a long, painful time. I felt like wanting to split was all my doing. I felt guilty that I was starving on the crumbs she's been giving me, that it was all my fault. But it isn't.
As my best friend told me, I deserve better.
Now it's up to her. It's her turn to court me. Let's see how bad she wants to keep me. She can either start trying hard to meet my needs for attention and my longing for sex or lose me.
This by May of next year.
I have been really hurt, and really neglected. A half-assed effort isn't going to cut it at this point.
I feel...incredible :)