Her Turn!

So...I've been going through a lot of grief and rage.
I did not realize that I was dying the death of a thousand tiny nicks inside, until the suppression... just broke.
...Tonight it occurred to me my love for her...seemed to be going away...and it further occurred to me...this was her last chance.
Her very last chance.
That I was very close to being no longer in love with her.
When I came home, she'd stayed awake to say hi...and it occurred to me what I needed to do now.

I told her that she kept saying that she loved me. 
Now, I have decided it's her turn to prove it. 
I pointed out that in our courting days, it was me pursuing her. She agreed, that it was so.
This time around, she can pursue me.   She said she didn't know how to do that, and I told her she'd better figure out how then.   I need more attention, more closeness, and more sex.  She'd better start chasing.

I know it's going to feel weird, since for the past ten years it's been me pursuing her, her pushing me away.  I'm going to have to really work to be open to her advances, no matter how odd or awkward. 
If she takes a step in the right direction, I need to be ready for it with open arms, to reward the behavior I want to increase.

But I feel really, really relieved right now.  I feel like I have been doing the heavy lifting...for a long, painful time. I felt like wanting to split was all my doing.  I felt guilty that I was starving on the crumbs she's been giving me, that it was all my fault.   But it isn't.
As my best friend told me, I deserve better.

Now it's up to her.   It's her turn to court me.  Let's see how bad she wants to keep me.  She can either start trying hard to meet my needs for attention and my longing for sex or lose me. 
This by May of next year.
I have been really hurt, and really neglected.  A half-assed effort isn't going to cut it at this point.

I feel...incredible :)
hylierandom hylierandom
12 Responses Sep 12, 2012

Hi howzit going since you wrote this story? I've been wondering if you have been really ready should she decide to not chase you and/or leave you. People are creatures of habit. Your knowing her pattern of behavior, I could not help to wonder when you gave her notice that she found herself on unfamiliar ground. The tendency would be for her to want to take the path she is most used to. When I read how you described "settling for the crumbs", I flashed back upon my own life's past. It is a trait that I knew well with abandonment issues of my own. Anyway, before I babble on. I understand you were just sharing. Chin up friend.

In loving-kindness, and much blessings sending your way - from AceofPentacles

I ended it. She's mostly asexual... That combined with the emotional neglect and critical, controlling behavior...I can't be happy.

You did good to stay true to yourself. (((Hugs)))

Have strange feelings about this

This sounds like 'too much, too late' to me. Nothing wrong with pride and asking for what you need, but it sounds broken to me, I doubt she can change now. I wish him well though

I'm afraid we're getting a divorce...I have come to believe she's mostly asexual. I was thinking she had torn me down for a long time, now she could build me up...But I think the damage she did by trampling all over my feelings for ten years by being horribly critical, then not being able to hear she was hurting me when I told her...and the other damage she did by refusing my advances for a year...that they were too much. To paraphrase a friend...I need someone who respects my boundaries, not someone who just bulldozes over them without noticing. My best friend noted that she was bullying me. This was so. She was able to without even realizing she was doing it. I've been hiding from her a lot by going to sleep when she's home. I was cutting myself in order to deal with my anger and loneliness for a long time...I'm very sad. But this was best ended.

I don't want to say anything to upset you.

Thanks, I'm really unstable right now. My little brother has my pistol for me so I can't shoot myself-I was going to last Saturday if I did not get it out of the house.

Are you in a safe environment ? Ima PM you

Um...I can drive to the county ER if I need to...

3 More Responses

Wow! That is great! Proud for you for standing up and telling her what you need!! I know that must o been hard. I love ur bravery!

Well...read "right now."
:( I can't be happy with her, so am divorcing.

There are some strange things going on in marriages these days. Does anybody ever read the Instruction Manuals?
You serve each other. You esteem the other higher. You bear all things. You aren't proud and arrogantly selfish.
She asks how. You say find out. In other words, she isn't going to please you anyway, right?
Where's the good real love?

What you are seeing is what happens when one partner cannot seem to get needs met, and the other is blissfully unaware of the misery they are putting their partner through...and this continues for a decade. I did most things to suit her because she got angry when I didn't, and never hesitated to tell me where when and how I fell short of the mark. If I had balls, I would say she has a long-term habit of busting them.

Then say that - to her. Don't play guessing games expecting her to be pyschic as though love makes us all gods and not fraught human beings.

I did. Over and over and over. I tried telling her she was hurting me. She would then tell me a wordy equivalent of "I'm just doing this for your own good! Don't you want to improve?"...... I finally exploded in a massive outpouring through emails...and the explosion took most of the love I had for her with it. I HAVE told her, for years, in many ways and at many times, that she was hurting me....She either did not understand what I kept telling her, or she is lying now...either way, I dropped the bomb this weekend, asked for divorce.

I DID think that the emotional and communications issues might improve...but I believe her to be asexual, even though she denies this. She does not like *******, she said. She can't understand why anyone does, they make her feel out of control.

Hylie, people like Blessandinspire and Abstraction obviously know NOTHING about sexless marriage, or they would not make such suggestions. It never fails to both amuse and annoy me that posters with NO knowledge of this subject come here and hector us with their moral opinions!!

2 More Responses

When I read your post it was like i was reading a book. A very sad novel I am so very sorry that u have to live your life like this and for so long. You need to pack up your things and go away some where but it really shouldn't be that way it should be her the one leaving..You deserve so much more in life and if you don't do something about it it will only get worse so my friend please think good and hard before u make any decisions Message me and let me know what u decide you are going to do. You have so many friends on here and we are all there standing tall for you so please don't ever think your alone because you are not. Take care my friend Try and have a good night..Message me tomorrow...Antonia

AWW! You're a sweetheart. But if I'm going to end it, I want to take the time to make sure that's what I want. I think it is, but it's a huge decision.

It's not easy to say "I love you...but I can't be happy married to you." And I need to make sure that's true.

Hi, great response to another's issues. Antonia, please comment if you care to.

Good luck. None of us can know what will be the magic formula to turn things around for another couple. I hope this is where you need to go.

In January of this year, that is pretty much where I was with my husband. I pretty much told him I was done and if he wanted anything, it was on him to show me. It didn't make things easier, it just made me question his motives and sincerity. And in my case, when he made an effort, I found sex and intimacy .... more difficult then going without.

Keep you mind open during the process. Good luck.

Yeah, I have to accept it if I want it to increase.

I hope it works for you, I truly do. Sadly, I am skeptical. <br />
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Let me guess - she loves you but is "not in love with you".... Does that sound like something that she has said? If thats the case then you are caught (as I am) in a situation where her emotional bond is damaged and if she is not willing to really work at it you will never see the light of day with her.... and its possibly a lot more work than she is willing or capable of doing. Moreover, you have put out what amounts to an ultimatum... I don't blame you, in fact I thinks its worthy of a great deal of respect -- takes a lot of bravery to get to that point and risk the immediate rejection. However I dont think a sudden and genuine turnabout is likely. <br />
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Better shock value might come in actual physical separation (i.e. moving out) but that might not be in your best interests financially or if there are children involved. In my life ultimatums of this nature (whether presented by me or by friend to their lover) have not turned out to fix anything - rather it has driven people further apart or created greater problems. I do understand and empathathize with the motivation to do this, and that it may give you a sense of closure since you are exhausted being the one to be "doing all the trying". I hope I'm wrong, and that things do turn out for the better in your situation. Hang in there, and remember there are friends here thinking of you

Well...We're currently living in my mom's old trailer. She'd have to move out. To assuage some of my guilty feelings fro dumping her though, she started making a lot more money last year...We've agreed if we split she can take all the cat-children with her. I keep the 5 dogs (anybody want a dog?). Basically, if we break up, I would first have her move into another bedroom until she found somewhere to rent, and I'd help her move. She might actually get a job that requires her to move elsewhere, she's got postings up and gets headhunters calling.

"To assuage some of my guilty feelings fro dumping her though, she started making a lot more money last year." Can you elaborate a little on what this means?

When she and I started dating, she was struggling to keep employed and keep a roof over her head. When she was out of work for 8 months and not looking...and very happy while I was sweating buckets and getting all the overtime I could, I thought about ending it then... But I could not throw her out on her a$$ without a job...though I threatened to in order to make her go GET a job. Now, she's started programming again. She has doubled her income; and she'll probably keep on climbing, salary-wise, as long as she does not burn out and get fired again. This means I have to live on my checklet, but if I am happy that's what really matters...And the more I contemplate life without her the better I feel about it.

Good for you to spell it out. I have done the same thing here. He said it has been so long he has gotten out of the habit. I told him that I was not seeing much change since I opened up this topic and told him that sexual neglect is a form of abuse.. So I am watching and still in counseling. Thinking of you and hope you have a happy ending soon!

Kudos !!... thatz a bold step towards clearing things up and bringing back purpose of togetherness. <br />
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Look forward to hear what happend next

Congratulations. we have the right to ask someone else for what we need, and though they have the right to refuse it, in so asking we are somehow freed of of the burden of not feeling worthy.

You have done a good thing here.<br />
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You have done something different.<br />
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Your action has passed the ball of choice right back to her.<br />
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She will do something, or she will do nothing. That will show you what she has chosen.<br />
<br />
Then the obligation of choice will come back to you.<br />
<br />
At that time you will try something new, or re-try something old, thereby passing the ball of choice back to her. And she will do something, or nothing.<br />
<br />
And so on.<br />
<br />
This process continues. If functionality is returning to the marriage the choices she (and you) make will widen in scope as you grow.<br />
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If dysfunctionality is staying in the marriage the choices she (and you) make will narrow, diminish, shrink, and ultimately dry up. And then, you're done.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I congratulate you on making that clear to her. I have felt exactly the same way, but I didn't have the guts to say so. Afraid it would be an even clearer rejection.

I'm just glad to suddenly feel like it's NOT all my fault and my responsibility! Not having children does make it a whole lot easier, I admit.