Her Turn!

Hi howzit going since you wrote this story? I've been wondering if you have been really ready should she decide to not chase you and/or leave you. People are creatures of habit. Your knowing her pattern of behavior, I could not help to wonder when you gave her notice that she found herself on unfamiliar ground. The tendency would be for her to want to take the path she is most used to. When I read how you described "settling for the crumbs", I flashed back upon my own life's past. It is a trait that I knew well with abandonment issues of my own. Anyway, before I babble on. I understand you were just sharing. Chin up friend.

In loving-kindness, and much blessings sending your way - from AceofPentacles

Have strange feelings about this

Wow! That is great! Proud for you for standing up and telling her what you need!! I know that must o been hard. I love ur bravery!

There are some strange things going on in marriages these days. Does anybody ever read the Instruction Manuals?
You serve each other. You esteem the other higher. You bear all things. You aren't proud and arrogantly selfish.
She asks how. You say find out. In other words, she isn't going to please you anyway, right?
Where's the good real love?
Sigh

When I read your post it was like i was reading a book. A very sad novel I am so very sorry that u have to live your life like this and for so long. You need to pack up your things and go away some where but it really shouldn't be that way it should be her the one leaving..You deserve so much more in life and if you don't do something about it it will only get worse so my friend please think good and hard before u make any decisions Message me and let me know what u decide you are going to do. You have so many friends on here and we are all there standing tall for you so please don't ever think your alone because you are not. Take care my friend Try and have a good night..Message me tomorrow...Antonia

Good luck. None of us can know what will be the magic formula to turn things around for another couple. I hope this is where you need to go.

In January of this year, that is pretty much where I was with my husband. I pretty much told him I was done and if he wanted anything, it was on him to show me. It didn't make things easier, it just made me question his motives and sincerity. And in my case, when he made an effort, I found sex and intimacy .... more difficult then going without.

Keep you mind open during the process. Good luck.

I hope it works for you, I truly do. Sadly, I am skeptical.



Let me guess - she loves you but is "not in love with you".... Does that sound like something that she has said? If thats the case then you are caught (as I am) in a situation where her emotional bond is damaged and if she is not willing to really work at it you will never see the light of day with her.... and its possibly a lot more work than she is willing or capable of doing. Moreover, you have put out what amounts to an ultimatum... I don't blame you, in fact I thinks its worthy of a great deal of respect -- takes a lot of bravery to get to that point and risk the immediate rejection. However I dont think a sudden and genuine turnabout is likely.



Better shock value might come in actual physical separation (i.e. moving out) but that might not be in your best interests financially or if there are children involved. In my life ultimatums of this nature (whether presented by me or by friend to their lover) have not turned out to fix anything - rather it has driven people further apart or created greater problems. I do understand and empathathize with the motivation to do this, and that it may give you a sense of closure since you are exhausted being the one to be "doing all the trying". I hope I'm wrong, and that things do turn out for the better in your situation. Hang in there, and remember there are friends here thinking of you

Good for you to spell it out. I have done the same thing here. He said it has been so long he has gotten out of the habit. I told him that I was not seeing much change since I opened up this topic and told him that sexual neglect is a form of abuse.. So I am watching and still in counseling. Thinking of you and hope you have a happy ending soon!

Kudos !!... thatz a bold step towards clearing things up and bringing back purpose of togetherness.



Look forward to hear what happend next

That's a sad realization and positive step mixed together. Everyone deserves to feel incredible!

I'm really glad for you and I hope that she will step up, for both your sakes.

Congratulations. we have the right to ask someone else for what we need, and though they have the right to refuse it, in so asking we are somehow freed of of the burden of not feeling worthy.

You have done a good thing here.



You have done something different.



Your action has passed the ball of choice right back to her.



She will do something, or she will do nothing. That will show you what she has chosen.



Then the obligation of choice will come back to you.



At that time you will try something new, or re-try something old, thereby passing the ball of choice back to her. And she will do something, or nothing.



And so on.



This process continues. If functionality is returning to the marriage the choices she (and you) make will widen in scope as you grow.



If dysfunctionality is staying in the marriage the choices she (and you) make will narrow, diminish, shrink, and ultimately dry up. And then, you're done.



Tread your own path.

Good, even out a lopsided relationship. She doesn't know how to pursue you? LOL. That's a good one. You might get laid but the question will be will it be good enough. Or will it be willing-to-take-on-an-extra-chore-to-save-the-relationship sex? Time will tell. Assuming it lasts anyway. We'll cross our fingers for you. It almost sounds like you'd still be relieved if she failed to demonstrate hot pursuit. At least you'd have a clear answer. If you have a few weeks of blissful carnal depravity, you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. But relationships always require a step into the dark so good luck.

I congratulate you on making that clear to her. I have felt exactly the same way, but I didn't have the guts to say so. Afraid it would be an even clearer rejection.