Life Is Hard To Live.

Its three years now our marriage took place.
I am quite hubby is too good looking handsome.but he is a big drunkard.I never knew nor my parents were aware , its only after marriage it came to light.
all thro' the day he is such state,even while going to office and evenings he is always with his drinking routine.he never abuses or talks rubbish...but only refuses to even touch me.I am unable to understand this.we sleep in different in laws stay quite far away.I had very sweet dreams about the married life and love and romance..but alas its completely doomed for me.
I do all the house work.for which he appreciates.
but when it comes to love and sex he refuses to even talk about it.I am still a virgin till date.I have narrated to my mom and I have been told by her lets see for few more months and we will decide.
I am a postgraduate but never took any job.but now since this life I have decided to go for job and file for a divorce.
am I doing the right thing..I dont know.
foreveranamika foreveranamika
26-30, F
9 Responses Sep 12, 2012

Yes you are doing the right thing. Good decision

Absolutely do NOT have sex with him at this time. Get an annullment of your marriage. A marriage is not considered to be a marriage until it has been consumated by sex. Currently you can get your marriage annulled. So do NOT let him have sex with you once to keep you from getting the marriage annulled.<br />
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Look for a job. You obviously have all the necessary qualifications to care for yourself financially. And financial independence coupled with a new environment will help you feel more self confident.<br />
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Your mother may mean well but her advice is WRONG. A drunkard who cannot make love to his wife is NOT the right person for you. Or for any woman.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for you not to have sex with him. This will be a giant blow to his ego if the marriage is annulled, no matter how quietly. If he is capable, I wouldn't rule out the possibility of rape - especially since he is a drunk. Keep everything quiet until you are out of the house.

If I could "like" this a thousand times I would. Don't let the male dominated society you probably live in dictate the terms of your happiness. Get out. Move. Emigrate if you have to. Life is easier elsewhere. Think globally.

Get a divorce. <br />
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Wait a few months???? After three years?!??!!!!!!!! What your mother said to you is sooooooooooooo abominable that I honestly believe that you should distance yourself from her. As far as I am concerned, she betrayed you or she does not have the capacity to be a good mother for you now in your most dire and important time of need. <br />
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You are at a turning point in your life today. In a decade from now, you will look at your mothers advice in a very different light. What a pity.

Foreveranamika, it is good you have discovered early on that you have married the wrong person for you. Your spouse has his own demons which are neither of your making nor your responsibility to fix.<br />
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Your sweet dreams of married life are not necessarily "doomed". You are educated, now get out there and find your own life path, not one made for you by others. If you can support yourself, you can find a spouse who will treat you the way you deserve as well. <br />
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I concur with Elkclan below - quietly find out your rights regarding annulment, quietly get one, and quietly get on with your life. <br />
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Your spouse may even be releaved to find out that you are intent on moving on. He can always hire a housekeeper in your stead.

@msfancypants, your comments are inspiring.<br />
@foreveranamika - dear one, I'm sorry that this has happened to you. But people don't change all that much, and only do so if THEY want to. I think the main problem is the alcoholism, and perhaps because of that he is not able to perform sexually. He has no desire, or so it seems - he seems to be happy where he is in his life. I'm concerned that while you are waiting to see if he changes, your life will pass you by. If a man does not want you in his bed, at your age (and I presume he is your age) then there is a problem. He could be gay (nothing wrong with that, just not what you signed up for), and married you as a cover, for all you know!<br />
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I don't know your details, but with what you have said, I would leave. You have a good education and a full life ahead of you. Open up those butterfly wings and fly. Live. Be YOU. Try not to allow anyone to hold you back. I would agree that depending where you live, an annulment would certainly be in order. But you have to plan and make the moves, as someone else said, before he gets the idea that you are going to do. I would fear for you that if he knew, he might bed you in a drunken rage....<br />
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I wish the best for you. You probably don't want children with this man, you are not happy now, and honestly we can't change others, only ourselves. In this case, from what you have told us, you don't need to do the changing.<br />
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And.... it is very telling that nowhere in your story did you mention love.

I know you're worried about finding someone else. Are you in India? If so, it looks like you have grounds for an annulment. But be wary of him having sex with you to prevent you from dissolving the marriage on these grounds. <br />
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Get your ducks in a row first, get a job. Get some support structures in place. Then get out. Go with your mother to talk to a lawyer, but keep it quiet.<br />
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I don't think this situation is likely to improve. Many, many drunks still have plenty of sex. If you get out you have a chance at a normal marriage. If you stay, you have none. Good luck.

~ I believe this is a question that requires a lot of soul searching as well as communication. I follow my heart as well as my intellect.<br />
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~ I do what is best for me, and encourage others to do the same. I cannot answer this question honestly because I do not know all of the factors surrounding your circumstances.<br />
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~ I believe that EVERYTHING in our lives is a learning lesson and maybe there is a valid reason that your husband cannot perform accordingly. I do not believe that it is okay for your husband to withhold physical love from you. Perhaps a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist may be able to help you out with this very serious issue. <br />
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I have more to say but I have to go for now. Be as strong as you can be ! I will talk to you soon.

I would suggest that you are doing the absolute right thing.<br />
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You are going to shed a person and an environment that depletes your life.<br />
You are going to seek an environment that enhances your life.<br />
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If you continue managing your life by the same principle - embracing life enhancing people and environments, and discarding people and environments that deplete your life, you cannot go wrong in any major way.<br />
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As regards your spouse, it is entirely his choice as to what he does with the rest of his life. It is not your concern nor your responsibilty.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Yes, get a job, acquire skills, become independent. Irrespective of how your marriage is going. If your partner has a drinking problem, I guess you might try to see if that can be fixed. Only you can judge how much effort in that direction feels enough for your conscience. After that, leave.

thank you for your kind suggestion.
but still i have no idea whether my hubby will change,is there any other option other than divorce.
as who will marry a divorced woman of 26.

~ 26 is young foreveranamika ! Any man with INTEGRITY will value a woman for who she is and by how well she carries herself, etc.... There are many things a gentleman looks for besides a woman's age.

~ I don't recommend that you should worry about your age quite yet as you are still married and trying to figure out what would be the wisest course of action for you and your husband. Why worry about things that are not issues at the moment, right ?

~ If you love your husband and value your marriage, then do all you can to make it work. After you have done the best possible job to find out what is wrong with your husband and if he is unwilling to take responsibility for his problem.......then you can walk away with a clear conscience.

~ Everyone here has wonderful pieces of advice to offer you,only you know when you've had enough and when that happens you will know instinctively what to do.

~ Hope this helps. Best of luck !

Better 26 than 36, no?