I Married The Wrong ManIt has become increasingly apparent to me that I married the wrong man.
The more time I spend with the new man in my life.....the more I feel this way.
I can't believe the intimacy that I share with him. (And by " intimacy" I am not referring to sex, although that is wonderful too.)
Today we got caught in the rain as we were walking back to his boat from dinner in town. Dinner was enjoyable. The food was yummy. The conversation is always interesting. When we left the restaurant, it was drizzling. Of course, the rain came down harder as we walked. We laughed. We attempted to run, but I was wearing sandals. Even though it is a short walk, by the time we got back to the boat, we were dripping. He got me a towel. And proceeded to dry me off! He dried my arms, my face, my hair. Then he wrapped the towel around my shoulders & hugged me real tight. It was such a thoughtful, simple, intimate experience. I could've just stayed in his arms for hours. Just thinking of it, brings me to tears. I have been STARVING for these kinds of moments for years, for decades. He makes me feel special. Imagine that?! Me?! It feels SO good, yet it hurts at the same time.....The scars from my SM run so deep. I have a hard time convincing myself that I am actually worthy of affection, that it is ok to feel this, that I deserve it. For so long....I told myself that I didn't.
My friend tells me that I make little " sounds" when he hugs me. And I do. I breathe out sighs of relief because I AM BEING TOUCHED! The feel of his arms surrounding me makes me feel safe while we embrace. It is incredible. He has no idea how much I NEED to be hugged, to be touched. And when we kiss....( NOT those f**kin grandma pecks either)...I feel like I've gone to heaven. I could spend hours just kissing. I don't think he realizes this either. In fact, I think he has a hard time grasping the whole concept of "sexlessness", since it is so foreign to him.
Believe it or not, but the " sexless" part of my Sexless marriage hasn't really been the most damaging part, although it has inflicted Plenty of wounds. It IS the most obvious part. It's a physical symptom of all that has been missing. And it DOES damage us. But I find it's ALL the rest of the missing intimacy in my marriage that has inflicted the greater scars. All the years of not feeling loved, the lack of everyday affection, the lack of emotional connection. Those scars run very deep. It will take me a long time to recover. I'm not sure that I will ever fully do so. I know I will never make up for all the time I lost. All the hugs I should've had, needed, the kisses, the touches.....the priceless moments lost.....
All I can do now, is focus on the future & hope that it is better than my past. These last few months have shown me what is possible. And it has been wonderful.....