I Married The Wrong Man

It has become increasingly apparent to me that I married the wrong man.
The more time I spend with the new man in my life.....the more I feel this way.
I can't believe the intimacy that I share with him.  (And by " intimacy" I am not referring to sex, although that is wonderful too.)

Today we got caught in the rain as we were walking back to his boat from dinner in town.  Dinner was enjoyable.  The food was yummy.  The conversation is always interesting.  When we left the restaurant, it was drizzling.  Of course, the rain came down harder as we walked.  We laughed.  We attempted to run, but I was wearing sandals.  Even though it is a short walk, by the time we got back to the boat, we were dripping.  He got me a towel.  And proceeded to dry me off!  He dried my arms, my face, my hair.  Then he wrapped the towel around my shoulders & hugged me real tight.  It was such a thoughtful, simple, intimate experience.  I could've just stayed in his arms for hours.  Just thinking of it, brings me to tears.  I have been STARVING for these kinds of moments for years, for decades.  He makes me feel special.  Imagine that?!  Me?!  It feels SO good, yet it hurts at the same time.....The scars from my SM run so deep.  I have a hard time convincing myself that I am actually worthy of affection, that it is ok to feel this, that I deserve it.  For so long....I told myself that I didn't.  

My friend tells me that I make little " sounds" when he hugs me.  And I do.  I breathe out sighs of relief because I AM BEING TOUCHED!  The feel of his arms surrounding me makes me feel safe while we embrace.  It is incredible.  He has no idea how much I NEED to be hugged, to be touched.  And when we kiss....( NOT those f**kin grandma pecks either)...I feel like I've gone to heaven.  I could spend hours just kissing.  I don't think he realizes this either.  In fact,  I think he has a hard time grasping the whole concept of "sexlessness", since it is so foreign to him.  

Believe it or not, but the " sexless" part of my Sexless marriage hasn't really been the most damaging part, although it has inflicted Plenty of wounds.  It IS the most obvious part.  It's a physical symptom of all that has been missing.  And it DOES damage us.  But I find it's ALL the rest of the missing intimacy in my marriage that has inflicted the greater scars.  All the years of not feeling loved, the lack of everyday affection, the lack of emotional connection. Those scars run very deep.  It will take me a long time to recover.  I'm not sure that I will ever fully do so.  I know I will never make up for all the time I lost.  All the hugs I should've had, needed, the kisses, the touches.....the priceless moments lost.....

All I can do now, is focus on the future & hope that it is better than my past.  These last few months have shown me what is possible.  And it has been wonderful.....
ANewLife4Me ANewLife4Me
46-50, F
31 Responses Sep 12, 2012


congradulations on finally getting some intimacy! enjoy:)

Exact reason why I will never get married. Me thinks marriage is a failing institution, especially in America. People don't have time to love each other anymore. Hell, we barely have time to get to know the other person. This story is amazing though. I actually fell in love with a married woman, only to have her tell me that she did not want nor could be in a relationship with me. This was after we had spent a lot of time together and had great sex together. I just don't get it!

I am in that type of marriage now, the sexless, no compassion, no attention and I ask myself WHY? He has always been like this since the day I married him. I get those grandma pecks instead of a kiss. He has never one time really made love to me. He shows me no respect, he flirts with other women infront of my face, he has never been there for me when I need him. Drugs and others have always came first in his life. Never has he given me anything out of love for my birthday, our anniversary, Christmas nothing he has never made any day special to me special. When confront him on these issues he of course blames me anthing he can pull out of his magic evil hat. He denies any wrong doing nothing is ever his fault. You are lucky you have found someone and I hope your scars heal because i know that pain I live with it everyday.

I had the same kinda thing happen 2 me in 2003, I met n fell in love while still married!! it was brilliant I had come a-live again, so I divorced my husband, sadly 3yrs later we split up my heart broke... 6yrs later I'm glad I did what I did, my husband became like my brother so sex was..? well we did'nt have sex any more cos of how I felt so something had to brake, I was'nt being fair to my husband or myself. Part of me still loves the man I left my husband for, but I now know what I want out of a relationship, will I ever find it? who knows? what I do know is if I was still married to my husband I would'nt be happy and that is 1 thing you gotta grab with both hands....be strong..be happy!

<p>Totally agree with some of what you wrote. It's not just the sex, it's the total lack of intimacy. There is just nothing there at all. It's embarrassing the amount of hugs I give my kids to try and make up for it. I'm happy for you that it sounds like things have improved!</p>

well yes im young but id be so glad to give so much phiscal contact if he does not

Everyone deserves to be happy and great to know that you finally find happiness.

"All the years of not feeling loved, the lack of everyday affection, the lack of emotional connection. Those scars run very deep. It will take me a long time to recover. I'm not sure that I will ever fully do so. I know I will never make up for all the time I lost. All the hugs I should've had, needed, the kisses, the touches.....the priceless moments lost....."


I feel exactly the same with the only person I loved.. 3 years of being emotionally neglected..

However, I can see a brighter future coming towards you.. Enjoy every moment.. :) Wish you all the best..

you just deserve to be happy. and a part of that is being with the one who makes you happy.

You could do everything right and not change your man or woman. In such a case you sacrifice the relationship for the greater good of both of you. I am talking of fleeing and severing the bonds. It is not pain-free but is akin to taking medicine prescribed by a doctor- bitter to swallow and with side effects, but ultimately heal

Sometimes even tho you have sex in your marraige you dont want it. Too much water under the bridge. Too many emotional, mental and psycological scars. These no one can see. Even tho the physical scars heal, the ones of the heart...dont :( Sometimes when you are touched by someone who hasnt spent their life abusing you, you feel safe. Somehow in their arms it just feels right. Sometimes you are "stuck" and theres no way out so you just keep existing til there comes an easier way.

wow. this is exactly how i feel.

I am stuck wondering why you have a sexless marriage. What has changed? Is it an appearance issue. Have you changed in appearance? (IE: gained weight, cut your hair, dress differently, etc.) Do you do anything to let him know you feel this way? Do you do anything to entice his affection? (Dress sexy, cuddle up to him, and come to bed naked even). After a while in marriage, men need a little more enticement. Have you asked him if he still loves you? If you like your marriage for god sake do something to open communication lines.

I am so happy for you! enjoy! thanks for sharing


Like 1000 times......

It is the sum of all that is missing that causes the deepest hurt. And the tender simple touch of someone else that can light our entire world it seems. Enjoy what you can within the moments you have.

Your story is heartbreaking. Indeed you have every right to ditch your husband and most of the comments agree.

Buuuutt....having said that, even though you were robbed of a proper marriage and weren't extended the common courtesies of affection or love, still doesn't give any of us the green light to move on. I know that you feel you've waisted too many years with him and that a lot of healing will still need to take place, but total healing can never be found in another person.

I'm no different than you in that I haven't received love from my spouse for 3 years and as much as I'd love to move on I know that I can't due to personal convictions.

Hang in there girl :)

We can't undo what has been sewn into the fabric of our past, but look forward and enjoy every new moment you are creating. Best of luck to you.

Thank you....I am certainly looking forward.

I completely understand

Sex is a god gift don't miss it enjoy the life...

I'm glad you are happy again and may you live happily ever after.

SO happy to read this!! Everyone who is nervously and anxiously hanging on for fear of what comes after should read this story! And ANLFM, you are SO right. The absent sex is the elephant in the living room. There is so much MORE missing from our sexless marriages that we don't even realise until we are OUT!

Thanks Enna! I am happy too! I am going to read him this story, so he knows how much I appreciate what he has done for me. And he doesn't even realize it..... It is all the "little things" that have been missing for years, for decades. Those missing "little things" grew into a dry, lifeless desert of pain. The affection he gives me &amp; the emotional connection are such a welcome relief from the barren life I lived. He is an oasis in the desert! And boy, did I need a drink! lol

k its not a good one for health dont waste your life if u want contact me 9597684223

Sexless marriages affects you physically also, and this is the most difficult part to deal with. The vagina muscles if not used, makes it difficult to have regular sex after a while. Hence painful sex..

Well I didn't use my vagina in 13+ years. It doesn't hurt when I have sex now. Thank god!!!

Really Marlady7? I don't think so!! I think you might need to see a doctor about your hormones. The vaginal muscles are FINE, believe me!!

This story made me smile,very happy for you .

Thanks Isabella35. I actually do have moments of happiness now in my life. There is still alot of pain &amp; I am still working on my divorce, but I am filled with hope. Hope that there are better days ahead &amp; more "life" to experience!

Yay! ;)

true, true and true!

Good for you. I always knew that you would come out the winner despite your tool of an ex playing hardball.<br />
<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thanks F1978! I still wonder what else my "tool of an ex" is up to!

Probably still stewing that you left him. Anyway thats his problem now!

Thanks misssunnybunny, I am so appreciative of all the little things that were missing

You will find that so much of what you thought and felt really mattered, the reasons you gave yourself for hanging on, the excuses and the stuff you made up to stay in limbo, all no longer matters. This is not to say that there was no relevance, only that they have no relevance now and that perhaps the value we ascribed to them when we were existing on the fumes of hope, was perhaps out of kilter. Be well. Its a new chapter.

Lao....yes, you hang on, even if it's by a thread for much 2 long, because we don't know any different. We can't imagine that it could be better. Well, maybe we can imagine....but the fear of changing paralyzes us.

Not only is it a new chapter, it's a whole new book!!

Hi Baz... I have accepted that I will Never know "why". I' m not sure if my H can even answer "why". I don't think searching for "why" serves any useful purpose if the marriage is ending. Maybe if it is answered early in a sexless marriage. But at some point you reach the point of no return & it just doesn't matter. <br />
<br />
Sure hope this ends soon....

Good stuff sister.<br />
<br />
Can I ask an off topic Q ?<br />
<br />
Do you give a flying **** nowadays about "why" your husband was a refuser ? <br />
Did the agonising over the "why" help / hinder your progress out ?<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I don't think u were notified of my "reply" above. And now that i have reread your comment.....No, I do not give a flying **** about my husband. I just want to be divorced so I can be free! I have SO much living to do!

What hindered my decision to move forward &amp; get out of my marriage, was my children, &amp; my guilt over disrupting thier lives. It paralyzed me.....but eventually I gained the confidence to make the change that I so desperately need. I am still working on reclaiming my life. It is going one excruciating step at a time, but i WILL get there!

And all parties involved (yes, even Cementhead !!) will be the better for it in the longer term. Well done.

Yup, even Cementhead! He doesn't realize it yet. But maybe, one day, he will.